The Fabulous Friday Funnies

A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl’s grandmother. On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?"

"Of course not, dear." replied the mother, "Why would you think that?"

"The tombstone back there said, ‘Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.’" Continue reading The Fabulous Friday Funnies

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

A primary school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past.
Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children fell to debating the dog’s duties. “They use him to keep crowds back,” said one youngster. “No,”
said another, “he’s just for good luck.” A third child brought the argument to a close. “They use the dogs,” she said firmly, “to find the fire hydrant.”


"Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away"


Two guys are in a bar talking.

"I fought over a girl last night."

"Oh, yeah? With whom?"

"With my wife."


Marvin found the following ransom note slipped under his front door. "Bring $50,000 to the 17th hole of your country club tomorrow at 10:00 AM if you ever want to see your wife alive again."

But it was well after 1:00 PM by the time he arrived at the designated meeting spot. A masked man stepped from behind a bush and demanded, "You’re three hours late. What took you so long?"

"Give me a break!" said Marvin, pointing to his scorecard.
"I’m a 27 handicap."


What is the difference between Bird ‘flu and Swine ‘flu?
For bird ‘flu you need tweetment and for swine ‘flu you need oinkment.


Some Harry Potter riddles

Q: What do you call a boy wizard with a really bad case of the runs?
A: Harry Plopper.

Q: What do you call a boy wizard who is really good at absorbing ink?
A: Harry Blotter.

Q: What is the name of the author who has made billions and billions and billions of dollars out of Harry Potter?
A: J.K. Rowling-In-It.

Q: What do you call a film about a boy wizard who is deeply unhappy with the level of service he has received from a one-hour photo lab?
A: Harry Potter and the Half-Dark Prints.

Q: What do you call a boy wizard who is planning the overthrow of the government?
A: Harry Plotter.

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Harry Potter.
Harry Potter who?
(pause) What, are you kidding?

Q: Why is Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry the cleanest campus in the world?
A: Everybody has a broom.


"People are going on dates now to coffee bars. This is the worst idea. Four cappuccinos later, your date doesn’t look any better." –Margot Black


So what have we learned in 2,063 years?

"The budget should be balanced, the Treasury should be refilled, public debt should be reduced, the arrogance of officialdom should be tempered and controlled, and the assistance to foreign lands should be curtailed lest Rome become bankrupt. People must again learn to work, instead of living on public assistance." – Cicero – 55 BC

Evidently nothing…


Two guys are at the bar staring into their drinks, when one says, "Hey Harry, have you ever suspected your wife of leading a double life?"

Harry says, "Yeah, all the time–her own and mine."


I called the local newspaper’s classified section to complain about an ad I’d placed.

It was obvious the person who took my information had never spent any time on a farm.

"I said ‘ewes,’" I argued.

"Pardon?" replied the operator.

"Ewes. It makes a difference to some people."

The ad that was placed read: "Sheep for sale – USED."


Thanks very much for the ongoing humour. I take them to read to my 82 year old mother in the nursing home to cheer her up. She has been a source of a few stories in the past and I have now one more to add.

My mother was having a dream and was yelling out loud "
mother where are you" The women in the next bed to her in the nursing home answered in her sleep " I am here"

The nurse came in hearing voices and asked what’s the matter? Where’s my mother she asked, I just heard her call out to me?


A father and son went fishing one day. After a couple hours in the boat, the boy suddenly became curious about the world around him.

He asked his father, "How does this boat float?"

The father thought for a moment, then replied, "Don’t rightly know, son."

The boy returned to his contemplation, then turned back to his father, "How do fish breathe underwater?"

Once again the father replied, "Don’t rightly know, son."

A little later the boy asked his father, "Why is the sky blue?"

Again, the father replied. "Don’t rightly know, son."

Worried he was going to annoy his father, he says, "Dad, do you mind my asking you all of these questions?"

"Of course not, son. If you don’t ask questions, you’ll never learn anything!"

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and think, "Well, that’s not going to happen."


If you’re playing a poker game and you look around the table and can’t tell who the sucker is— it’s you.


According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a woman is their eyes. And women say the first thing they notice about men is they’re a bunch of liars.


A guy was driving around Dublin when he saw a sign in front of a house,

‘Talking Dog for Sale.’

He rang the bell and the owner told him the dog was in the backyard. The guy went into the backyard and saw a Labrador sitting there..’ You talk?’ he asked.’Yes,’ the Lab replied. ‘So, what’s the story?’

The Lab looked up and said, ‘Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the Police about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.

I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running.’ ‘But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a load of puppies, and now I’m just retired.’

The guy was amazed. He goes back in and asked the owner what he wanted for the dog. ‘Ten euros.’ the man said. ‘Ten euros? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?’

‘Because he’s a liar. He never did any of that rubbish.’


They’re Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:

  • The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
  • The sermon this morning: ‘Jesus Walks on the Water.’ The sermon tonight: ‘Searching for Jesus.’
  • Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
  • At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be ‘What Is Hell?’ Come early and listen to our choir practice.
  • Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
  • Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM – prayer and medication to follow.
  • The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
  • Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

A man owned a small farm in Aberdeenshire. The Department of wages claimed he was not paying proper wages to his staff and sent a representative out to interview him. ‘I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,’
demanded the rep.

‘Well,’ replied the farmer, ‘there’s my farm hand who’s been with me for 3 years. I pay him £200 a week plus free room and board. The cook/housekeeper has been here for 18 months, and I pay her £150 per week plus free room and board .

Then there’s the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about £10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of whisky every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.’ ‘That’s the guy I want to talk to…the half-wit,’ says the agent. ‘That would be me,’ replied the farmer…


My wife was fascinated by the elegant calligraphy on the hand-written menu in a Chinese restaurant. She took it home and spent months knitting a sweater with Chinese characters down the front. She was wearing it at a cocktail party when a Chinese physician asked where she got the symbols. "From a menu," she admitted.

"Do you know what they say?"

"I’m afraid to ask," my wife said, "but tell me anyway."

"Cheap, but good." — Mike Goodell, Apopka, Fla.


Everyone knows I’m a stickler for good spelling. So, when an associate e-mailed technical documents asking me to "decifer" them, I had to set him straight.

I wrote, "Decipher is spelled with a ph, not an f. In case you’ve forgotten, spell checker comes free with your soft- ware."

A minute later, I got this reply, "Mine must be dephective."


IQ test ALL MY INTELLIGENT FRIENDS: I could not figure it out and had to look at the answer. See if you can figure out what these words have in common.

  1. Banana
  2. Dresser
  3. Grammar
  4. Potato
  5. Revive
  6. Uneven
  7. Assess

Are you peeking or have you already given up? Give it another try…. Look at each word carefully. This is so cool…..

 

 

Answer: No, it is not that they all have at least 2
double letters..

 

 

Answer: In all of the words listed, if you take the first letter, place it at the end of the word, and then spell the word backwards, it will be the same word. Did you figure it out? No? Then send to more people and stump them as well.


A year 4 student came up to me and asked " Mr Harmer, what is a shi tzu? I replied, " well it’s a little dog that is usually white and fluffy." She replied, " my mum told me it was a zoo with no animals!"


Further to the kids’ riddles:

Q. What do you call a blind dinosaur’s dog?
A. Do you think he saw us, Rex?


A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter. Johnny’s mother says, "Let’s not be too harsh on them…. they are bound to be curious about sex at that age." "Curious about sex?"
replies Mary’s mother. "He’s taken her appendix out!"


I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pickpocketed. How could anyone stoop so low?

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

"Don’t worry about tomorrow. After all, today is the tomor- row you worried about yesterday."


My mother taught for 11 years at a day-care center. One winter afternoon she was trying to show a young boy how to zip up his coat. "The secret," Mom said, "is to get this piece of the zipper to fit in the other side before you try to zip it up."

After struggling with the zipper for several minutes, the boy sighed and said, "Why does it have to be a secret?" — Elizabeth C. Boulter


During rehearsal, the high school Music Director was beside himself. The cymbal player in the band was constantly coming in at the wrong time with his cymbal clash. The young man maintained that his entry point gave a much better effect and that he wouldn’t play it as written.

When the Music Director was asked by the Principal why he kicked the young musician out of the band, he replied, "It was a simple case of cymbal disobedience."


My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last:
Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little wine, some good food and companionship. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.


A little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink when a large, trouble-making bikie steps up next to him, grabs his drink,gulps it down in one swig and then turns to him with a menacing stare as if to say

‘Well, – whatcha gonna do about it?’

The little guy starts crying.

‘Come on man I was just giving you a hard time’,the bikie says, ‘I didn’t think you’d CRY. – I can’t stand to see a man crying.’

‘This is the worst day of my life’, says the little guy between sobs.

‘I’ve got to admit it – I’m a complete failure -I just can’t do anything right.’

‘I overslept and was late to an important meeting,- so my boss fired me.

When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I don’t have any insurance.

I left my wallet in the cab I took home.

I found my wife in bed with the gardener – and then my own dog bit me.

So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all.

I buy a drink – I drop my capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve – then you show up and drink the lot! ‘


"We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office." –Aesop


"Don’t worry, I can stay out late tonight," Joe told his friend Bob. "My wife’s gone for a two-week vacation in the Caribbean."

"Jamaica?" Bob asked.

"No, it was her idea."


Some bad one-liners

  • I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
  • Suicidal Siamese twin kills sister by mistake!
  • My short-term memory is not as sharp as it used to be.
    Also, my short-term memory’s not as sharp as it used to be.
  • In just two days from now, tomorrow will be yesterday.
  • I am having an out-of-money experience.
  • Corduroy pillows are making headlines!

Yesterday I was collecting in my local area for the Guide Dogs for the Blind, Paw Knock Appeal.

I now know why you don’t say you are a volunteer collecting for the Paw Knock Appeal. An elderly deaf neighbour looked at me aghast and wanted to know why I was wanting to collect pornography. From then on I said I was collecting for Guide Dogs for the Blind.


Little Johnny’s kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. ‘Yes,’ said the policeman. ‘The detectives want very badly to capture him.’Little Johnny asked, ‘Why didn’t you keep him when you took his picture ?’


Quasimodo goes to a doctor for his annual checkup.

"I think something is wrong with your back," the doctor says.

"What makes you say that?" Quasimodo asks.

"I don’t know," the doctor replies. "It’s just a hunch."


‘Health is just the slowest way to die.’


Some riddles for the kids

Q. What do you call a blind dinosaur?
A. Do you think he saw us!

Q. Why did the turkey join in the band?
A. Because it had the drumsticks!

Q. How do you start a teddy bear race?
A. Ready teddy go!

Q. What do you call a lazy skeleton?
A. Bone idle!

Q. What do you call a fairy who hasn’t had a wash for a week?
A. Stinkerbell!