The Fabulous Friday Funnies

"Don’t worry, I can stay out late tonight," Joe told his friend Bob. "My wife’s gone for a two-week vacation in the Caribbean."

"Jamaica?" Bob asked.

"No, it was her idea."


A blind rabbit and a blind snake meet each other. Neither one remembers what kind of animal they are, so they decide to feel each other. Continue reading The Fabulous Friday Funnies

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

Mick walks into Paddy’s barn and catches him doing a sexy striptease to a large piece of red machinery.

Mick says "What the hell are you doing Paddy?"

Paddy replies "Well me and Mary haven’t been getting on lately and the therapist recommended that I do something sexy to a tractor." Continue reading The Fabulous Friday Funnies

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

My nine-year-old daughter walked in while I was getting ready for work. "What are you doing?" she asked.

"Putting on my wrinkle cream," I answered.

"Oh," she said, walking away. "I thought they were natural."


An Arab Sheikh’s son goes to Germany to study. A month later, he sends a letter to his dad saying: "Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here, but I’m a bit ashamed to arrive to school in my gold Mercedes when all my friends arrive by train."

Sometime later he gets a letter from his dad with a million dollar cheque saying: "Stop embarrassing us any more, go and get yourself a train too"


"I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself." –Johnny Carson


Two skeletons used by the professor of anatomy found themselves stowed away in a dusty closet. After several weeks of boredom one turned to the other and asked, "What are we doing shut up in here anyway?"

"Got me," admitted his companion. "If we had any guts we’d bust out of here."


Barbara Walters, of 20/20, did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict.

She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands.

She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind their husbands. Despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem to, and are happy to, maintain the old custom.

Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, ‘Why do you now seem happy with an old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?’

The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation said, ‘Land Mines.’


When a toothpaste company got into trouble because of the amount of fluoride that their product contained, they decided to hold an open house at their factory to reduce public concern. Unfortunately, one of the touring groups accidentally became locked in the refrigerated storeroom, where they all died.

The following day, the local newspaper headline exclaimed, "Tooth Company Freeze a Crowd."


Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly: ‘I have something I must confess.’
‘There’s no need to, ‘his wife replied. ‘No,’ he insisted, ‘I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!’ ‘I know,’
she replied, ‘now just rest and let the poison work.’


A bloke is wandering through the desert. Deprived of water for many days on end, he is dying of thirst. To his amazement, he stumbles across three market stalls set up in the middle of the sandy dunes.

He crawls up to the first stall. "Water, water! Please give me water!" He begs.

"I’m sorry," says the first stallholder, "I sell nothing but jelly and custard."

The bloke crawls up to the second stall. "Water, water!
Give me water!" He cries.

"I’m sorry," says the second stallholder, "I sell nothing but cream and sponge."

The man crawls up to the third stall. "Water, water!
Please, please! Give me water!" He yells.

"I’m so sorry," says the third stallholder, "I sell nothing but hundreds and thousands."

"I can’t believe none of you has any water," gasps the bloke.

"I know," says the third stallholder, "it is a trifle bazaar."


As we were preparing for communion I explained to my son the symbolism of the bread and wine as the body and blood of Christ. In the Uniting Church the wine is served in individual thimble sized glasses brought around on a tray.

Having returned to our seats after our communion my son noticed someone walking from the church kitchen with another tray of wine prepared for those still waiting for communion. At the top of his voice he says: "Gee they must have a lot of blood out in the kitchen!"


Various sayings over the years.

  • Nobody yet as ever started a serious fight while he was laughing.
  • The door to happiness opens outwards.
  • The first duty of love is to listen.
  • Every minute you are angry you lose 60 seconds of happiness.
  • Make peace with ourselves.
  • A man is never so tall as when he stoops to help a child.

A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant

Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table.

She said, ‘For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.’

The wife answered, ‘Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband.’

The fairy waved her magic wand and – poof! – two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.

The husband thought for a moment: ‘Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again..

I’m sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.’

The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.

So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!..the husband became 92 years old…

The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful rats should remember….fairies are female..


"America is the only nation in history which miraculously has gone directly from barbarism to degeneration without the usual interval of civilization." – George Clemenceau,
1841-1921


Q: What would you name a dog with no legs?
A: Marlboro since, every nite, you have to take him out for a drag!

Q: How do you catch a squirrel?
A: Climb up and tree and act like a nut!

Q: What’s the difference between the Sun & a loaf of bread?
A: One rises from the East & the other from yeast!

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and think, "Well, that’s not going to happen."


If you’re playing a poker game and you look around the table and can’t tell who the sucker is— it’s you.


According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a woman is their eyes. And women say the first thing they notice about men is they’re a bunch of liars.


A guy was driving around Dublin when he saw a sign in front of a house,

‘Talking Dog for Sale.’

He rang the bell and the owner told him the dog was in the backyard. The guy went into the backyard and saw a Labrador sitting there..’ You talk?’ he asked.’Yes,’ the Lab replied. ‘So, what’s the story?’

The Lab looked up and said, ‘Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the Police about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.

I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running.’ ‘But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a load of puppies, and now I’m just retired.’

The guy was amazed. He goes back in and asked the owner what he wanted for the dog. ‘Ten euros.’ the man said. ‘Ten euros? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?’

‘Because he’s a liar. He never did any of that rubbish.’


They’re Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:

  • The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
  • The sermon this morning: ‘Jesus Walks on the Water.’ The sermon tonight: ‘Searching for Jesus.’
  • Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
  • At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be ‘What Is Hell?’ Come early and listen to our choir practice.
  • Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
  • Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM – prayer and medication to follow.
  • The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
  • Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

A man owned a small farm in Aberdeenshire. The Department of wages claimed he was not paying proper wages to his staff and sent a representative out to interview him. ‘I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,’
demanded the rep.

‘Well,’ replied the farmer, ‘there’s my farm hand who’s been with me for 3 years. I pay him £200 a week plus free room and board. The cook/housekeeper has been here for 18 months, and I pay her £150 per week plus free room and board .

Then there’s the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about £10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of whisky every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.’ ‘That’s the guy I want to talk to…the half-wit,’ says the agent. ‘That would be me,’ replied the farmer…


My wife was fascinated by the elegant calligraphy on the hand-written menu in a Chinese restaurant. She took it home and spent months knitting a sweater with Chinese characters down the front. She was wearing it at a cocktail party when a Chinese physician asked where she got the symbols. "From a menu," she admitted.

"Do you know what they say?"

"I’m afraid to ask," my wife said, "but tell me anyway."

"Cheap, but good." — Mike Goodell, Apopka, Fla.


Everyone knows I’m a stickler for good spelling. So, when an associate e-mailed technical documents asking me to "decifer" them, I had to set him straight.

I wrote, "Decipher is spelled with a ph, not an f. In case you’ve forgotten, spell checker comes free with your soft- ware."

A minute later, I got this reply, "Mine must be dephective."


IQ test ALL MY INTELLIGENT FRIENDS: I could not figure it out and had to look at the answer. See if you can figure out what these words have in common.

  1. Banana
  2. Dresser
  3. Grammar
  4. Potato
  5. Revive
  6. Uneven
  7. Assess

Are you peeking or have you already given up? Give it another try…. Look at each word carefully. This is so cool…..

 

 

Answer: No, it is not that they all have at least 2
double letters..

 

 

Answer: In all of the words listed, if you take the first letter, place it at the end of the word, and then spell the word backwards, it will be the same word. Did you figure it out? No? Then send to more people and stump them as well.


A year 4 student came up to me and asked " Mr Harmer, what is a shi tzu? I replied, " well it’s a little dog that is usually white and fluffy." She replied, " my mum told me it was a zoo with no animals!"


Further to the kids’ riddles:

Q. What do you call a blind dinosaur’s dog?
A. Do you think he saw us, Rex?


A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter. Johnny’s mother says, "Let’s not be too harsh on them…. they are bound to be curious about sex at that age." "Curious about sex?"
replies Mary’s mother. "He’s taken her appendix out!"


I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pickpocketed. How could anyone stoop so low?

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

You can’t read this and stay in a bad mood!

  1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
    Unique Up On It.
  2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
    Tame Way.
  3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest ?
    They Take The Psychopath
  4. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
    Dam!
  5. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
    Polaroids
  6. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn’t work?
    A Stick

A woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church services, when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled: ‘Stop! Acts 2:38! (Repent and be Baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ, so that your sins may be forgiven.)

The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.

As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar: ‘Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you.’

‘Scripture?’ replied the burglar. ‘She said she had an Ax and Two 38s!


Q: Where can men over the age of 50 find younger, sexy women who are interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore under fiction.

Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly wrinkles?
A: Take off your glasses.

Q: What is the most common remark made by 50+ year olds when they enter antique stores?
A: ‘Gosh, I remember these!’


Arcelor-Mittal Steel, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy just standing around and leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He asked the guy, “How much money do you make a week?”

A little surprised, the young man looked at him and replied, “I make $400 a week. Why?”

The CEO told him, “Wait right here.” He then walked back to his office, came back in two minutes and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and screamed, “Here’s four weeks’ pay, now GET OUT and don’t come back.”

Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, “Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?”

From across the room came a voice, “Pizza delivery guy from Domino’s.”


Vegetarian – ancient word for poor hunting skills


Panicking when her toddler swallowed a tiny magnet; my sister, Betty, rushed him to the emergency room.

“He’ll be fine,” the doctor promised her. “The magnet should pass through his system in a day or two.”

“How will I be sure?” she pressed.

“Well,” the doctor suggested, “you could stick him on the refrigerator. When he falls off, you’ll know.”


An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over. “So,” says the cop to the driver, “where have ya been?” “Why, I’ve been to the pub of course, “slurs the drunk. “Well,” says the cop, “it looks like you’ve had quite a few to drink this evening.” “I did all right,” the drunk says with a smile. “Did you know,” says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, “that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?” “Oh, thank heavens,” sighs the drunk. “For a minute there, I thought I’d gone deaf!”


“A tabloid published a picture of Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps at a party taking a huge hit from a bong. I think there’s an important lesson to be learned here: Kids, never share your pot with someone who has the lung capacity of a dolphin.” -Conan O’Brien


“That’s a great place to work!” shouted my 16-year-old brother after coming home from the first day at his first job. “I get two weeks’ paid holiday.”

“I’m so glad,” said my mother.

“Yeah,” added John. “I can’t wait to find out where they send me.”


As I was dropping my son off at daycare the other day, I over heard some of the children talking about their siblings.

“My brother takes karate lessons,” bragged one.

“My sister takes gymnastics,” said another.

Not to be outdone, the youngest piped up, “My sister takes antibiotics!”


A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he’s doing a show in a small town in Essex … With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blond jokes when a blond woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting:-

‘I’ve heard enough of your stupid blond jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the colour of a person’s hair have to do with her worth as a human being? Its men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general… and all in the name of humour!’

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, ‘You stay out of this mate! I’m talking to that little rat on your lap!’

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

As a veterinarian, I was called at home in the middle of the night by a woman in distress. She had swallowed her dog’s heart worm pill by mistake. I knew it wouldn’t harm her, but by law, I’m forbidden to give medical advice. “If your dog had swallowed your pill, then you’d call me,” I explained. “In this case, you really should consult with your own physician.”

“But it’s one in the morning!” she exclaimed. “I can’t wake my doctor.”


“An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex.” –Edgar Wallace


Joke of the year.
Two women were sitting together, quietly.


One evening, two girlfriends and I went to a nightclub, only to find the place packed with young people. At 40, we felt old, but before we could make a dignified exit, a tall, handsome man approached us.

“Perhaps we were being a little hasty in leaving,” I thought.

Then with a big smile, the man extended his hand to one of my friends and said, “Hello. Remember me? You were my third grade teacher.”


A woman and a baby were in the doctor’s examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby’s first exam.

The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

‘Breast-fed,’ she replied. ‘Well, strip down to your waist,’ the doctor ordered. She did. He pinched her nip p les, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both Br easts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, ‘No wonder this baby is underweight.

You don’t have any milk.’

I know,’ she said, ‘I’m his Grandma, but I’m glad I came


A man goes into a cocktail lounge and approaches Maxine sitting by herself : Man: ‘May I buy you a cocktail?”

Maxine: ‘No thank you, alcohol is bad for my legs.’ Man: ‘Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?’ Maxine: ‘No, they spread.’


“You moon the wrong person at an office party and suddenly you’re not ‘professional’ any more.” –Jeff Foxworthy


An adorable little girl walked into my pet shop and asked, “Excuse me, do you have any rabbits here?”

“I do,” I answered, and leaning down to her eye level I asked, “Did you want a white rabbit or would you rather have a soft, fuzzy black rabbit?”

She shrugged. “I don’t think my python really cares.”


I was supposed to go out with this guy on Friday night. On Friday afternoon he called and said that he didn’t think it was a good idea, because he just wanted to be friends. So I hung up and called him back. He was like, “Hello?”

I said, “Hey, buddy, it’s me. Want to hear what this jerk just did?”


Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing. One lady turns and asks, “Do you still get horny?”

The other replies, “Oh sure I do.”

The first old lady asks, “What do you do about it?”

The second old lady replies, “I suck a lifesaver.”

After a few moments, the first old lady asks, “Who drives you to the beach?”


“I have good news and bad news,” the defense attorney told his client. “First the bad news. The blood test came back, and your DNA is an exact match with that found at the crime scene.”

“Oh, no!” cried the client. “What’s the good news?”

“Your cholesterol is only 140.”


A woman said to her friend, “I don’t know what to do. My husband is such a mess maker that you can’t imagine. He doesn’t put anything in its place, I am always going around the house organizing things.”

The friend says, “Take a tip from me. The first week after we were married I told my husband firmly, ‘Every glass and plate that you take, wash when you are done and put back in its place.'”

The first woman asked, “Did it help?”

Her friend said, “I don’t know. I haven’t seen him since.”


Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House in DC: One is from New York, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Florida All three go with a White House official to examine the fence.

The Florida contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. “Well,” he says, “I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me.”

The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, “I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me.”

The New York contractor doesn’t measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, “$2,700.”

The official, incredulous, says, “You didn’t even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?”

The New York contractor whispers back, “$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence.”

“Done!” replies the government official. And that, my friends, is how government contracting works!


3 pieces of string were walking along the street and decided to sit in a beer garden and have a few beers. String #1 walks in and orders 3 beers but the barman told him in no uncertain terms that they do not serve pieces of string.

Disappointed he goes out to tell his mates that they have to move on. String #2 says that he’ll try reasoning with the barman and will be back in a jiffy with the beers. But alas, he too came back empty handed. “You’re right – he simply won’t serve pieces of string here”.

String #3 is dying for a beer and stands up, twists himself into a big knot, messes up his hair and goes in and demands 3 beers. The barman eyes him suspiciously and asks “Are you a piece of string?”

To which the reply came “I’m a-fraid-not”

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

A father and son went hunting together for the first time.
The father said: "Stay here and be very QUIET. I’ll be across the field."

A few minutes later the father heard a blood curdling scream and ran back to his on. "What’s wrong?" the father asked. "I told you to be quiet."

The boy, …bless his heart, answered: "Look, I was quiet when the snake slithered across my feet. I was quiet when the bear breathed down my neck. I didn’t move a muscle when the skunk climbed over my shoulder. I closed my eyes and held my breath when the wasp stung me. I didn’t cough when I swallowed the gnat. I didn’t cuss or scratch when the poison oak started itching.

But, …when the two squirrels crawled up my pant legs and said, "Should we eat them here or take them with us?"

Well, I guess I just panicked!"


Email from a friend: "CanYouFixTheSpaceBarOnMyKeyboard?"


"May I take your order, Sir?" the waiter asked.

"Yes, how do you prepare your chickens?"

"Nothing special, Sir," he replied. "We just tell them straight out that they’re going to die."


The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough Frequent Flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things.
Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc. Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex. ‘Just how do you guys do it?’ asks Maureen. The Martian responds, ‘Pretty much the way you do.’ A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another.

Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He’s got only a teeny, weenie member about half an inch long and just a quarter-inch thick. I don’t think this is going to work,’ says Maureen. Why?’ he asks.
‘What’s the matter?’ ‘Well,’ she replies, ‘it’s just not long enough to reach me!’ ‘No problem,’ he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm.

With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it’s quite impressively long. ‘Well,’ she says, ‘that’s quite impressive, but it is still narrow.’ ‘No problem,’ he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman. Wow!’ she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad passionate love.

The next day the couples rejoin their other partners and go their separate ways. As they walked along, Mike asks, ‘Well, was it any good?’ ‘I hate to say it,’ says Maureen, ‘but it was wonderful. How about you?’ ‘It was horrible,’
he replies. ‘All I got was a headache . She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears.


The company my brother worked for had a phone system that rerouted after-hours calls. If any calls came in on a certain line while he was working late, Dave knew it would be a wrong number. It got to the point where as soon as the phone rang, Dave would pick up and say, "Psychic Hotline.
I’m sorry, but you’ve dialed the wrong number."

The caller would often reply with something like, "But I didn’t even ask to speak to anyone yet. How did you know I dialed the wrong…. Oh!" (Click.)


"I have never made but one prayer to God, a very short one:
Oh Lord, make my enemies ridiculous. And God granted it."
–Voltaire


The recently married young woman was weeping and pouring out her heart and troubles to the church’s appointed marriage counselor.

"Isn’t there some way, without turning into a nag, that I can keep my husband in line?"

The counselor scowled. "Well young lady," he said, "maybe that’s the problem, Your husband shouldn’t have to wait in line."


A friend and her husband were participating in a blood drive, and as part of the prescreening process, an elderly volunteer was asking some questions. "Have you ever paid for sex?" the woman asked my friend’s husband sweetly.

Glancing wearily over at his wife, trying to calm a new baby and tend to the other children milling around her, he sighed, "Every time."


Question for Geography students: What’s the capital of Iceland? Answer: About three pounds fifty…

 

I had a cheque returned earlier, marked "insufficient funds." Mine or the banks?

 

Latest news, the Isle of Dogs Building Society has collapsed. They’ve called in the retrievers.


One of the first things you learn on your honeymoon is, when you’re carrying your bride over the threshold, always go in sideways — unless of course two broken ankles and a concussion turn you on.


The young wife hasn’t spoken to her husband since the baby was born, all because of a little misunderstanding… She called him at work and said her water had broken, and he called the plumber.


1. Teaching Maths In 1970

A logger sells a truck load of timber for $1000. His cost of production is 4/5 of the selling price. What is his profit?

 

2. Teaching Maths In 1980

A logger sells a truck load of timber for $1000. His cost of production is 4/5 of the selling price, or $800. What is his profit?

 

3. Teaching Maths In 1990

A logger sells a truck load of timber for $1000. His cost of production is $800. Did he make a profit

 

4. Teaching Maths In 2000

A logger sells a truck load of timber for $1000. His cost of production is $800 and his profit is $200. Your
assignment: Underline the number 200.

 

5. Teaching Maths In 2008

A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is totally selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands.

He does this so he can make a profit of $200. What do you think of this way of making a living?

Topic for class participation after answering the question:
How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers. If you are upset about the plight of the animals in question counseling will be available.)


"New York City is going green. All the cabs are converting to hybrids. I was in a low-emission cab this morning. I wish I could say the same for my driver." -Dave Letterman


I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where’s the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.


A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."


A scientist finds evidence of an actual dinosaur, alive and living in the rainforests of South America. He campaigns several universities and succeeds in getting a grant to launch an expedition. Several weeks pass and the expedition party stumble upon a 3 foot tall pigmy standing near a 150 foot long dead dinosaur.

The scientist approaches the pigmy and exclaims, "Dear Lord! Did you kill this dinosaur?"

"Yep!" replied the pigmy.

"But, it’s so big and you’re so small!"

"Yep!", replied the pigmy.

"How the hell did you kill it?" inquired the scientist.

"With my club," replied the pigmy.

"How big is your club?" demanded the scientist.

The pigmy replied, "Well, there’re about 50 of us!"

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

My mother always said we were put on this earth to help others. My question is, what are the others here for?


My father was a dentist and my mother was a manicurist…
for most of their married life they fought tooth and nail.


"The honeymoon is over when he phones to say he’ll be late for dinner and she’s already left a note that it’s in the refrigerator." –Bill Lawrence


Morris returns from a long business trip and finds out that his wife has been unfaithful during his time away.

"Who was it?" he yells. "That alta kakker Goldstein?"

"No," replied his wife. "It wasn’t Goldstein."

"Was it Feldman, that dirty old man?"

"No, not him."

"Aha! Then it must have been that idiot Rabinovich!"

"No, it wasn’t Rabinovich either…"

Morris was now fuming. "What’s the matter?" he cried. "None of my friends are good enough for you?"


Customer: I’d like to try on that dress in the window.

Saleslady: I’m sorry, madam, you’ll have to use the fitting room like everyone else.


A True Story from the Jacksonville , Florida, Police Department

A man goes to a party and has too much to drink. His friends plead with him to let them take him home. He says no he only lives a mile away.

About five blocks from party, the police pull him over for weaving and ask him to get out of the car and walk the line. Just as he starts, the police radio blares out a notice of a robbery taking place in a house just a block away. The police tell the man to stay put, they will be right back and they hop a fence and rundown the street to the robbery.

The guy waits and waits and finally decides to drive home.
When he gets there, he tells his wife he is going to bed, and to tell anyone who might come looking for him that he has the flu and has been in bed all day.

A few hours later the police knock on the door. They ask if Mr. Joe is there and his wife says yes. They ask to see him and she replies that he is in bed with the flu and has been so all day.

The police have his driver’s license. They ask to see his car and she asks why. They insist on seeing his car, so she takes them to the garage. She opens the door. There sitting in the garage is the police car, with all its lights still flashing.

True story: Told by the driver at his first AA meeting


I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.


A man enters a bar and orders a drink. The bar has a robot barman. The robot serves him a perfectly prepared cocktail, and then asks him, "What’s your IQ?" The man replies "150"
and the robot proceeds to make conversation about global warming factors, Quantum physics and spirituality, bio-mimicry, environmental interconnectedness, string theory, nanotechnology, and sexual proclivities. The customer is very impressed and thinks, "This is really cool."

He walks out of the bar, turns around, and comes back in for another drink Again, the robot serves him the perfectly prepared drink and asks him, "What’s your IQ?" The man responds, "About 100." Immediately the robot starts talking, but this time about league, Holdens, racing, the new BIG Mac, tattoos, Nicky Watson and women in general.

Really impressed, the man leaves the bar and decides to give the robot one more test. He heads out and returns, the robot serves him and asks, "What’s your IQ?" The man replies, "Err, 50, I think." And the robot says…real slowly.

. "So……………ya gonna vote for Kevin again?"


A Pole, and Italian, and a Jew, all first-time fathers, are pacing nervously in the maternity ward waiting room when a nurse rushes out of the delivery room holding a black baby.

"Is it yours?" she asks the Italian.

"Certainly not," he replies.

"Yours?" she asks the Pole, who vigorously denies paternity.

"How about you?" she asks the Jew.

"Maybe," he says glumly. "My wife burns everything."


Some wife one-liners

  • My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way. — Henny Youngman
  • My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. — Rodney Dangerfield
  • A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong. — Milton Berle
  • I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. — George Burns
  • What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
    About 30 pounds. — Cindy Garner
  • I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There was water in the carburetor." I said, "Where’s the car?" She said, "In the lake." — Henny Youngman
  • Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. — Phyllis Diller
  • The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. — Henny Youngman
  • After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn’t notice."
  • I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months – I don’t like to interrupt her.
  • My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So now I have two girlfriends.

An Israeli doctor says, ‘Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks.

A German doctor says, ‘That is nothing; we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks.’

A Russian doctor says, ‘In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks.’

The Texas doctor, not to be outdone, says, ‘You guys are way behind, we recently took a man with no brains out of Texas, put him in the White House for eight years, and now half the country is looking for work.’

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

A big mining company recently hired several cannibals. ‘You are all part of our team now’, said the HR manager during the welcoming briefing. ‘You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don’t eat any of the other employees’.

The cannibals promised they would not.

Four weeks later their boss remarked, ‘You’re all working very hard, and I’m satisfied with you. However, one of our Admin girls has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?’

The cannibals all shook their heads indicating ‘no’.

After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, ‘Which one of you idiots ate the Admin chick?’

A hand rose hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals continued, ‘You fool!!!!! For four weeks we’ve been eating Managers and Supervisors and no one noticed anything, but noooooo, you had to go and eat someone important!!!!


My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, ‘Do you want to have sex?’

‘No!’ she answered. I then said, ‘Is that your final answer?’ ‘Yes!’ she replied. Then I said, ‘I’d like to phone a friend.’ That’s the last thing I remember.


A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor’s office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left chest and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more.
She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, "You’re not really a redhead, are you?

"Well, no" she said, "I’m actually a blonde."

"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken"


"Be alert…the world needs more lerts." — Anonymous

"Be aloof – the world has enough lerts." – Denise


Two Kiwis, Ian and Craig, are walking down a street in Bondi. Ian happens to look in one of the shop windows and sees a sign that catches his eye.

The sign said ‘Suits $10.00 each, Shirts $4.00 each, Trousers $5.00 per pair.’

Ian says to his pal, ‘Craig, look! We could buy a whole lot of those, and whin we get beck to InZid, we could make a fortune.’

Now whin we go unto the shop, you be quiet, okay? Just lit me do all the talking cause uf they hear our accint, they might not be nice to us. I’ll speak in my bist Aussie accint.’

‘No worries,’ smiled Craig, ‘I’ll keep my mouth shut.’

They go in and Ian says, ‘I’ll take fufty suits et $10.00 each, 100 shirts et $4.00 each, and fufty pairs of trousers et $5.00 each. I’ll beck up my truck and…’

The owner of the shop interrupts, ‘You’re from New Zealand, aren’t you?’

‘Well… Yis,’ says a surprised Ian. ‘How the hill dud you know thet?’

The owner says, ‘This is a dry cleaners’.


An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, ‘What is this Father?’ The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, ‘Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don’t know what it is’.

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, an ugly, fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button.

The walls opened and the lady rolled between them Into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the Numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out.

The father said quietly to his son…..’Go get your mother.’


"I’m not a fatalist. But even if I were, what could I do about it?" –Emo Philips


You know what they call the guy who finishes last in medical school? They call him "Doctor". –Abe Lemons


"The French have launched their own version of Google, called Quaero. You just type in the subject you’re interested in, and Quaero refuses to look it up for you."–Amy Poehler


"According to a new survey, 11 percent of all Americans be- tween the ages of 18 and 24 could not find the United States on a map of the world. How pathetic is that?
President Bush commented on this today, he said, ‘Why do we need our kids to find the U.S. on a map? They’re already here.’" -Jay Leno


Paddy met Mick in the street and said,’Paddy, in future you should draw your bedroom curtains before making love to your wife !’

‘And why would I be doing that?’ Paddy asked. ‘Because,’
said Mick, ‘all the street was Sniggering when they saw you two making love all yesterday.’

Mick said, ‘Nosey bug gers, anyway, the laugh’s on them. I wasn’t home yesterday.’


A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a rifle.
"It’s for my husband," she tells the clerk.

"Did he tell you what gauge to get?" asked the clerk.

"Are you kidding?" she says. "He doesn’t even know that I’m going to shoot him!"


"British scientists are now seeking permission to fuse human cells with rabbit eggs. Their goal is to create a human with a lucky foot." –Jay Leno


Bella was terribly upset. Her fiance, Marvin, had been to a clinical psychologist, and the results were not entirely consoling.

She said to her mother, "I’m not sure the marriage would be happy, Ma. The psychologist says Marvin tests out to have a pronounced Oedipus complex."

Her mother shrugged and said, "Don’t listen to that fancy talk. I’ve watched Marvin and I tell you he’s all right.
Just look how much he loves his mother."

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

What’s the difference between Australia Post and an elephant?

Dunno! Well I won’t ask you to go and post a letter!!

 

Q. Why did the boy take toilet paper to the party?

A. He was a real party pooper!!!!!

 

Q. What did they call winnie the poo when he got run over.

A. A Dead Shi_!!!


Girl: You remind me of the sea.

Boy: Why? Because I’m so wild, romantic and unpredictable?

Girl: No. Because you make me sick.


"Marriages don’t last. When I meet a guy, the first question I ask myself is: is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?" –Rita Rudner


Quasimodo saw an advert for a bell-ringer at Notre Dame Cathedral, applied and got it. The sexton said as a joke, ‘You have to strike the bell with your head to make it ring.’ Quasimodo did so, even though it made his head ring. But when he hit it 12 times at noon, he was so concussed he staggered around the belfry and fell out, hitting the ground below with a splat. Two citizens were walking past, and one said ‘Who on earth is that?’

The other said ‘I don’t know, but his face rings a bell.’

The next week, Quasimodo’s brother sees the advert for a replacement bell-ringer, applies and gets the job. Again, the sexton conned him into ringing the bell with his head.
Again at noon, he gets concussed and falls out, hitting the ground with a splat, as the same two citizens come along.
‘Who on earth is that?’ said the first.

The other said, ‘I don’t know, but he’s the dead ringer of the guy who was here last week.’


Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and oil, the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off. We apologize for the inconvenience.


When a man gets married he has 3 rings

  1. An engagement ring
  2. A wedding ring and
  3. Suffering

"The U.N has evidence of global warming. And right now they are working hard, around the clock to do nothing about it."–Dave Letterman


A guy with three eyes, no arms, and one leg is hitchhiking.
A British gent pulls over, rolls down the window, and says, "Aye, aye, aye! You look ‘armless! ‘op in!"


DIARY OF A BLONDE

JAN : Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight

FEB : Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.
Helllloooo!!! Bottles won’t fit in typewriter !!!

MAR : Got really excited – finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months – box said “2-4 years”!

APR : Trapped on escalator for hours – power went out!

MAY : Tried to make Kool-Aid – wrong instructions – 8 cups of water won’t fit into those tiny packets!!!!

JUN : Tried to water-ski – couldn’t find a lake with a slope

JUL : Lost breast stroke swimming contest – learned later the other swimmers cheated – they used their arms

AUG : Got locked out of my car in rain storm – car swamped because soft-top was open

SEP : The capital of California is “C” – isn’t it???

OCT : Hate Smarties – they are so hard to peel!

NOV : Baked turkey for 41/2 days – instructions said 1 hour per pound – and I weigh 108!!!

DEC : Couldn’t call 911 – duh – there’s no “eleven” button on the stupid phone!!!


This morning. the math teacher singled me out to ask me, "If you have $200, and you give $60 to Mary, $60 to Sally and $60 to Susan, what would you have?"

Turned out that "an orgy" was not the correct answer.


A fisherman’s wife was sitting by a tent in a clearing on the bank of a river when along came the park ranger and said, "Excuse me ma’am but I need to speak to your husband.
Can you tell me where he is?"

She replied, pointing to a clump of reeds. "Go over there and look for the pole with a worm on both ends."


Answering Machine Recording: You have reached the breast self-examination hot line. Please press 1 now… Now press the other one."


"The Olympics have started and the skies over Beijing are very smoggy. The government says the pollution is just a harmless mist. They made a similar statement about the treatment of prisoners — it’s not torture, it’s Pilates."-Craig Ferguson


For those who love the philosophy of ambiguity… (as well as the idiosyncrasies of English)

  • One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor…
  • One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
  • Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
  • What if there were no hypothetical questions?
  • If a deaf person signs swear words, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
  • Is there another word for synonym?
  • If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
  • What was the best thing before sliced bread?
  • How is it possible to have a civil war?
  • Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have "s" in it?
  • Can an atheist get insurance against acts of god?