Mick walks into Paddy’s barn and catches him doing a sexy striptease to a large piece of red machinery.
Mick says "What the hell are you doing Paddy?"
Paddy replies "Well me and Mary haven’t been getting on lately and the therapist recommended that I do something sexy to a tractor."
My nine-year-old daughter walked in while I was getting ready for work. "What are you doing?" she asked.
"Putting on my wrinkle cream," I answered.
"Oh," she said, walking away. "I thought they were natural."
An Arab Sheikh’s son goes to Germany to study. A month later, he sends a letter to his dad saying: "Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here, but I’m a bit ashamed to arrive to school in my gold Mercedes when all my friends arrive by train."
Sometime later he gets a letter from his dad with a million dollar cheque saying: "Stop embarrassing us any more, go and get yourself a train too"
"I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself." –Johnny Carson
Two skeletons used by the professor of anatomy found themselves stowed away in a dusty closet. After several weeks of boredom one turned to the other and asked, "What are we doing shut up in here anyway?"
"Got me," admitted his companion. "If we had any guts we’d bust out of here."
Barbara Walters, of 20/20, did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict.
She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands.
She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind their husbands. Despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem to, and are happy to, maintain the old custom.
Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, ‘Why do you now seem happy with an old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?’
The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation said, ‘Land Mines.’
When a toothpaste company got into trouble because of the amount of fluoride that their product contained, they decided to hold an open house at their factory to reduce public concern. Unfortunately, one of the touring groups accidentally became locked in the refrigerated storeroom, where they all died.
The following day, the local newspaper headline exclaimed, "Tooth Company Freeze a Crowd."
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly: ‘I have something I must confess.’
‘There’s no need to, ‘his wife replied. ‘No,’ he insisted, ‘I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!’ ‘I know,’
she replied, ‘now just rest and let the poison work.’
A bloke is wandering through the desert. Deprived of water for many days on end, he is dying of thirst. To his amazement, he stumbles across three market stalls set up in the middle of the sandy dunes.
He crawls up to the first stall. "Water, water! Please give me water!" He begs.
"I’m sorry," says the first stallholder, "I sell nothing but jelly and custard."
The bloke crawls up to the second stall. "Water, water!
Give me water!" He cries.
"I’m sorry," says the second stallholder, "I sell nothing but cream and sponge."
The man crawls up to the third stall. "Water, water!
Please, please! Give me water!" He yells.
"I’m so sorry," says the third stallholder, "I sell nothing but hundreds and thousands."
"I can’t believe none of you has any water," gasps the bloke.
"I know," says the third stallholder, "it is a trifle bazaar."
As we were preparing for communion I explained to my son the symbolism of the bread and wine as the body and blood of Christ. In the Uniting Church the wine is served in individual thimble sized glasses brought around on a tray.
Having returned to our seats after our communion my son noticed someone walking from the church kitchen with another tray of wine prepared for those still waiting for communion. At the top of his voice he says: "Gee they must have a lot of blood out in the kitchen!"
Various sayings over the years.
A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant
Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table.
She said, ‘For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.’
The wife answered, ‘Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband.’
The fairy waved her magic wand and – poof! – two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.
The husband thought for a moment: ‘Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again..
I’m sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.’
The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.
So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!..the husband became 92 years old…
The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful rats should remember….fairies are female..
"America is the only nation in history which miraculously has gone directly from barbarism to degeneration without the usual interval of civilization." – George Clemenceau,
1841-1921
Q: What would you name a dog with no legs?
A: Marlboro since, every nite, you have to take him out for a drag!
Q: How do you catch a squirrel?
A: Climb up and tree and act like a nut!
Q: What’s the difference between the Sun & a loaf of bread?
A: One rises from the East & the other from yeast!
I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and think, "Well, that’s not going to happen."
If you’re playing a poker game and you look around the table and can’t tell who the sucker is— it’s you.
According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a woman is their eyes. And women say the first thing they notice about men is they’re a bunch of liars.
A guy was driving around Dublin when he saw a sign in front of a house,
‘Talking Dog for Sale.’
He rang the bell and the owner told him the dog was in the backyard. The guy went into the backyard and saw a Labrador sitting there..’ You talk?’ he asked.’Yes,’ the Lab replied. ‘So, what’s the story?’
The Lab looked up and said, ‘Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the Police about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.
I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running.’ ‘But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a load of puppies, and now I’m just retired.’
The guy was amazed. He goes back in and asked the owner what he wanted for the dog. ‘Ten euros.’ the man said. ‘Ten euros? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?’
‘Because he’s a liar. He never did any of that rubbish.’
They’re Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:
A man owned a small farm in Aberdeenshire. The Department of wages claimed he was not paying proper wages to his staff and sent a representative out to interview him. ‘I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,’
demanded the rep.
‘Well,’ replied the farmer, ‘there’s my farm hand who’s been with me for 3 years. I pay him £200 a week plus free room and board. The cook/housekeeper has been here for 18 months, and I pay her £150 per week plus free room and board .
Then there’s the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about £10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of whisky every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.’ ‘That’s the guy I want to talk to…the half-wit,’ says the agent. ‘That would be me,’ replied the farmer…
My wife was fascinated by the elegant calligraphy on the hand-written menu in a Chinese restaurant. She took it home and spent months knitting a sweater with Chinese characters down the front. She was wearing it at a cocktail party when a Chinese physician asked where she got the symbols. "From a menu," she admitted.
"Do you know what they say?"
"I’m afraid to ask," my wife said, "but tell me anyway."
"Cheap, but good." — Mike Goodell, Apopka, Fla.
Everyone knows I’m a stickler for good spelling. So, when an associate e-mailed technical documents asking me to "decifer" them, I had to set him straight.
I wrote, "Decipher is spelled with a ph, not an f. In case you’ve forgotten, spell checker comes free with your soft- ware."
A minute later, I got this reply, "Mine must be dephective."
IQ test ALL MY INTELLIGENT FRIENDS: I could not figure it out and had to look at the answer. See if you can figure out what these words have in common.
Are you peeking or have you already given up? Give it another try…. Look at each word carefully. This is so cool…..
Answer: No, it is not that they all have at least 2
double letters..
Answer: In all of the words listed, if you take the first letter, place it at the end of the word, and then spell the word backwards, it will be the same word. Did you figure it out? No? Then send to more people and stump them as well.
A year 4 student came up to me and asked " Mr Harmer, what is a shi tzu? I replied, " well it’s a little dog that is usually white and fluffy." She replied, " my mum told me it was a zoo with no animals!"
Further to the kids’ riddles:
Q. What do you call a blind dinosaur’s dog?
A. Do you think he saw us, Rex?
A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter. Johnny’s mother says, "Let’s not be too harsh on them…. they are bound to be curious about sex at that age." "Curious about sex?"
replies Mary’s mother. "He’s taken her appendix out!"
I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pickpocketed. How could anyone stoop so low?
You can’t read this and stay in a bad mood!
A woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church services, when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled: ‘Stop! Acts 2:38! (Repent and be Baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ, so that your sins may be forgiven.)
The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.
As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar: ‘Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you.’
‘Scripture?’ replied the burglar. ‘She said she had an Ax and Two 38s!
Q: Where can men over the age of 50 find younger, sexy women who are interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore under fiction.
Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly wrinkles?
A: Take off your glasses.
Q: What is the most common remark made by 50+ year olds when they enter antique stores?
A: ‘Gosh, I remember these!’
Arcelor-Mittal Steel, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy just standing around and leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He asked the guy, “How much money do you make a week?”
A little surprised, the young man looked at him and replied, “I make $400 a week. Why?”
The CEO told him, “Wait right here.” He then walked back to his office, came back in two minutes and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and screamed, “Here’s four weeks’ pay, now GET OUT and don’t come back.”
Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, “Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?”
From across the room came a voice, “Pizza delivery guy from Domino’s.”
Vegetarian – ancient word for poor hunting skills
Panicking when her toddler swallowed a tiny magnet; my sister, Betty, rushed him to the emergency room.
“He’ll be fine,” the doctor promised her. “The magnet should pass through his system in a day or two.”
“How will I be sure?” she pressed.
“Well,” the doctor suggested, “you could stick him on the refrigerator. When he falls off, you’ll know.”
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over. “So,” says the cop to the driver, “where have ya been?” “Why, I’ve been to the pub of course, “slurs the drunk. “Well,” says the cop, “it looks like you’ve had quite a few to drink this evening.” “I did all right,” the drunk says with a smile. “Did you know,” says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, “that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?” “Oh, thank heavens,” sighs the drunk. “For a minute there, I thought I’d gone deaf!”
“A tabloid published a picture of Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps at a party taking a huge hit from a bong. I think there’s an important lesson to be learned here: Kids, never share your pot with someone who has the lung capacity of a dolphin.” -Conan O’Brien
“That’s a great place to work!” shouted my 16-year-old brother after coming home from the first day at his first job. “I get two weeks’ paid holiday.”
“I’m so glad,” said my mother.
“Yeah,” added John. “I can’t wait to find out where they send me.”
As I was dropping my son off at daycare the other day, I over heard some of the children talking about their siblings.
“My brother takes karate lessons,” bragged one.
“My sister takes gymnastics,” said another.
Not to be outdone, the youngest piped up, “My sister takes antibiotics!”
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he’s doing a show in a small town in Essex … With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blond jokes when a blond woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting:-
‘I’ve heard enough of your stupid blond jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the colour of a person’s hair have to do with her worth as a human being? Its men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general… and all in the name of humour!’
The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, ‘You stay out of this mate! I’m talking to that little rat on your lap!’
As a veterinarian, I was called at home in the middle of the night by a woman in distress. She had swallowed her dog’s heart worm pill by mistake. I knew it wouldn’t harm her, but by law, I’m forbidden to give medical advice. “If your dog had swallowed your pill, then you’d call me,” I explained. “In this case, you really should consult with your own physician.”
“But it’s one in the morning!” she exclaimed. “I can’t wake my doctor.”
“An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex.” –Edgar Wallace
Joke of the year.
Two women were sitting together, quietly.
One evening, two girlfriends and I went to a nightclub, only to find the place packed with young people. At 40, we felt old, but before we could make a dignified exit, a tall, handsome man approached us.
“Perhaps we were being a little hasty in leaving,” I thought.
Then with a big smile, the man extended his hand to one of my friends and said, “Hello. Remember me? You were my third grade teacher.”
A woman and a baby were in the doctor’s examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby’s first exam.
The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
‘Breast-fed,’ she replied. ‘Well, strip down to your waist,’ the doctor ordered. She did. He pinched her nip p les, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both Br easts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, ‘No wonder this baby is underweight.
You don’t have any milk.’
I know,’ she said, ‘I’m his Grandma, but I’m glad I came
A man goes into a cocktail lounge and approaches Maxine sitting by herself : Man: ‘May I buy you a cocktail?”
Maxine: ‘No thank you, alcohol is bad for my legs.’ Man: ‘Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?’ Maxine: ‘No, they spread.’
“You moon the wrong person at an office party and suddenly you’re not ‘professional’ any more.” –Jeff Foxworthy
An adorable little girl walked into my pet shop and asked, “Excuse me, do you have any rabbits here?”
“I do,” I answered, and leaning down to her eye level I asked, “Did you want a white rabbit or would you rather have a soft, fuzzy black rabbit?”
She shrugged. “I don’t think my python really cares.”
I was supposed to go out with this guy on Friday night. On Friday afternoon he called and said that he didn’t think it was a good idea, because he just wanted to be friends. So I hung up and called him back. He was like, “Hello?”
I said, “Hey, buddy, it’s me. Want to hear what this jerk just did?”
Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing. One lady turns and asks, “Do you still get horny?”
The other replies, “Oh sure I do.”
The first old lady asks, “What do you do about it?”
The second old lady replies, “I suck a lifesaver.”
After a few moments, the first old lady asks, “Who drives you to the beach?”
“I have good news and bad news,” the defense attorney told his client. “First the bad news. The blood test came back, and your DNA is an exact match with that found at the crime scene.”
“Oh, no!” cried the client. “What’s the good news?”
“Your cholesterol is only 140.”
A woman said to her friend, “I don’t know what to do. My husband is such a mess maker that you can’t imagine. He doesn’t put anything in its place, I am always going around the house organizing things.”
The friend says, “Take a tip from me. The first week after we were married I told my husband firmly, ‘Every glass and plate that you take, wash when you are done and put back in its place.’”
The first woman asked, “Did it help?”
Her friend said, “I don’t know. I haven’t seen him since.”
Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House in DC: One is from New York, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Florida All three go with a White House official to examine the fence.
The Florida contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. “Well,” he says, “I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me.”
The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, “I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me.”
The New York contractor doesn’t measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, “$2,700.”
The official, incredulous, says, “You didn’t even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?”
The New York contractor whispers back, “$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence.”
“Done!” replies the government official. And that, my friends, is how government contracting works!
3 pieces of string were walking along the street and decided to sit in a beer garden and have a few beers. String #1 walks in and orders 3 beers but the barman told him in no uncertain terms that they do not serve pieces of string.
Disappointed he goes out to tell his mates that they have to move on. String #2 says that he’ll try reasoning with the barman and will be back in a jiffy with the beers. But alas, he too came back empty handed. “You’re right – he simply won’t serve pieces of string here”.
String #3 is dying for a beer and stands up, twists himself into a big knot, messes up his hair and goes in and demands 3 beers. The barman eyes him suspiciously and asks “Are you a piece of string?”
To which the reply came “I’m a-fraid-not”
