Finding a woman sobbing that she had locked her keys in her car, a passing soldier assures her that he can help.
She looks on amazed as he removes his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door.
Magically it opens.
"That’s so clever," the woman gasps. "How did you do it?"
"Easy," replies the man. "These are my khakis".
A busload of politicians were driving down a country road when, all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer’s field. The old farmer, after seeing what happened, went over to investigate.
He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians. A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.
The old farmer said, "I buried ’em."
The sheriff asked the old farmer, "They were ALL dead?"
The old farmer replied, "Well, some of them said they weren’t, but you know how them politicians lie."
I was out shopping in a new outfit and was feeling great after having had my hair done. As I stepped into a shop a little boy was in the way, but he moved quickly when he saw me. I thanked him with a huge smile for being so polite.
"That’s O.K.," he said. "Mum told me I have to move for old people."
Friendship among Women
A woman didn’t come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend’s house. The man called his wife’s 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.
Friendship among Men
A man didn’t come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend’s house. The woman called her husband’s 10 best friends. Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there.
I asked my parents how come Jesus had only been born at Christmas and now he was dead at Easter. My Mum quietly explained that he wasn’t a baby when he died but a man. "Oh, THAT explains how he got so much done!" was my relieved reply.
A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.
‘Quick,’ said the woman to the lover, ‘into the closet!’
and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.
The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet.
‘Who are you?’ he asked him.
‘I’m an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,’ said the exterminator.
‘What are you doing in there?’ the husband asked.
‘I’m investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,’ the man replied.
‘And where are your clothes?’ asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said, ‘Those little bastards!’
It was a typically busy day at the bank. After a glance at the line of waiting customers, a harried-looking man came up to the side counter and demanded, "What do I have to do to change the address on my account?" Without missing a beat, the clerk replied, "Move." — Karen Lee
Upon reaching 65, Bob decided to retire. After having him under foot for a few months, his wife became very agitated with him. She suggested he go and do something to occupy his time, like join a club or get a hobby. Bob obliged and went out for a couple of hours…
When he got home his wife asked about his day and he replied, "Oh, I just went down to the park and hung out with the guys. And, oh yeah, I joined a parachute club.
"What? Are you nuts? You’re 65 years old and you’re going to start jumping out of airplanes?"
"Yeah, look I even got a membership card."
"You crazy old man, where’s your glasses! This is a membership to a Pro*titute Club, not a Parachute Club!"
"Oh, great! Now what am I going to do? I signed up for 5 jumps a week!"
Couples who have lived together a long time have their own way of communicating.
A woman overheard her aunt and uncle one day, "What are you looking for in that closet?" she asked.
"Nothing," he answered.
"Well, it’s not in there. Look under the bed."
An oldie but a goodie
A big corporation recently hired several cannibals. "You are all part of our team now” said the HR rep during the welcoming briefing.
"You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don’t eat any of the other employees." The cannibals promised they would not.
Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You’re all working very hard, and I’m satisfied with you. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?" The cannibals all shook their heads no.
After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, "Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?"
A hand rose hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals continued, "You fool! For four weeks we’ve been eating managers and no one noticed anything, but noooooo, you had to go and eat someone important!"
‘Of course I won’t laugh, said the nurse. I’m a professional. In over twenty years I’ve never laughed at a patient.’
‘Okay then,’ said Fred, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest ‘man thingy’ the nurse had ever seen. Length and width, it couldn’t have been bigger than a AAA battery. Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling.
After a few minutes she was able to regain her composure. ‘I am so sorry,’ she said. ‘I don’t know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won’t happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?’
…’It’s swollen,’ Fred replied.
She ran out of the room…..