The Fabulous Friday Funnies

Stress Buster No. 39

Energise with achievements.

As the year draws to a close, make time to reflect on all you’ve achieved this year personally and as a family. Make a list to share, discuss and celebrate.


On a queue in a bookshop yesterday, Patricia decided to have a bit of a grumble with the women next to her. It was about men not understanding the work involved in Christmas. All the women agreed and one of them said “The trouble with Christmas is that it only comes once a year, so you don’t have time to train them up.”


Arthur is 90 years old.

He’s played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago.

One day he arrives home looking downcast.

“That’s it”, he tells his wife. “I’m giving up golf. My eyesight has got so bad… once I’ve hit the ball, I can’t see where it went.”

His wife sympathizes, and makes him a cup of tea.

As they sit down she says, “Why don’t you take my brother with you, and give it one more try”.

“That’s no good” sighs Arthur. “Your brother’s a hundred and three. He can’t help”.

“He may be a hundred and three”, says the wife, “but his eyesight is perfect”.

So the next day Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law.

He tees up, takes an almighty swing and squints down the fairway.

He turns to the brother-in-law.”Did you see the ball?”

“Of course I did!”

“Where did it go?” says Arthur.

“I can’t remember”.


“Men, like nails, lose their usefulness when they lose direction and begin to bend.” —Walter Savage Landor


A prosecuting attorney just could not believe that a jury had found the defendant not guilty.

Astonished, he asked the jury foreman, “How could you possibly have found this man innocent?”

The foreman replied, “Insanity.”

The perplexed prosecutor asked, “All twelve of you?”


The bride came down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side.

She said, “What are you doing with those?”

He looked her in the eye and said, “This isn’t going to take all day, is it?”


Teacher: “What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?”
Student: “A teacher.”


Thought you might appreciate this little woopsie from an email report-back on a recent volcanic conference held in Japan:

  1. Disaster preparedness, well in advance of an emergency situation, was cited as a key point. This is an important addition to creating thrusting relationships among scientists, officials, residents and mass media.

The latest investment news indicates that we’re in for a bumpy ride, now that problems in the sub-prime lending market in America have now spread uncertainty into the Japanese economy.

The trend over the last month adds weight to rumors that the Origami Bank is likely to fold, the Sumo Bank could go belly up, while Bonsai Bank has announced plans to cut some of its branches.

The Karaoke Bank is ripe for a takeover, with analysts predicting that it will go for a song, while overnight reports reveal that trading in Kamikaze Bank has been suspended after shares nose-dived.

Five hundred senior Karate Bank executives have got the chop and analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank, with shareholders likely to get a raw deal.

But in all this concern it’s worth knowing that people who say they don’t care about money will usually be careless with the truth about other things as well.


A Jewish grandmother is watching her grandchild playing on the beach when a huge wave comes and takes him out to sea.

She pleads, “Please God, save my only grandson! I beg of you, bring him back.”

And a big wave comes and washes the boy back onto the beach, good as new. She looks up to heaven and says: “He had a hat!”


“Imagination was given to man to compensate him for what he is not; a sense of humor to console him for what he is.” — Sir Francis Bacon


The tale about the old couple where the lady left her glasses behind at a restaurant reminded me of Denise & I when we go for a drive. On the odd occasion she has left her glasses at home but we must go back and get them as “she needs to wear them for me to drive properly”.


Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. “In honor of this holy season” Saint Peter said,”You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.”

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. “It represents a candle”, he said. “You may pass through the pearly gates” Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, “They’re bells.” Saint Peter said “You may pass through the pearly gates”.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women’s pa n ties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, “And just what do those symbolize??

The man replied, “These are Carols.”


Salesman: This computer will cut your workload by 50%.
Office Manager: That’s great, I’ll take two of them.


Elderly Husband: Whatever happened to our sexual relations?
Elderly Wife: I don’t know. I don’t think we got a card from them this year.


“Be careful of your thoughts; they may become words at any moment.” —Ira Gassen


I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that. ‘Why?’ my daughter asked.’

Because it’s been on the ground, you don’t know where it’s been, it’s dirty and probably has germs’ I replied.

At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, ‘Mummy, how do you know all this stuff? You are so smart.’ I was thinking quickly. ‘All mums know this stuff. It’s on the Mummy Test. You have to know it, or they don’t let you be a Mummy.’

We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information. ‘OH… I get it!’ she beamed, ‘So if you don’t pass the test, you have to be the daddy.’ ‘Exactly,’ I replied back with a big smile on my face.

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

Stress Buster No. 37

Reduce stress at Christmas by reducing your expectations. This can apply to the behaviour of family members, gifts you give and receive, food preparation and expressions of gratitude.


A Christmas Story from James

The three wise men were riding their camels through the desert to Bethlehem. Finally they arrived at the manger containing Joseph, Mary, and their newborn son.

The first wise man, a very short fellow, climbed off his camel and ran inside the manger. After a few minutes he
came running outside and shouted: ‘I have seen him, the son of our lord!’

The second wise man, also a very short fellow, climbed off his camel and ran inside the manger. Soon he also came running outside shouting: ‘I have seen the babe, our savior is born!’

The third wise man, a very tall towering figure of a man, climbed off his camel and ran inside the manger: ‘BOOOM’, he hit his head on a rafter and shouted ‘JESUS CHRIST!’.

Mary looked up and said, ‘Hey, … that sounds a lot better than Claude.’


My neighbour found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian. He found that the problem was hair in its ears. He cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine.

The vet then proceededto tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from recurring she should go to the store and get some “Nair” hair remover and rub it in the dog’s ears once a month.

The lady goes to the pharmacy and gets some “Nair” hair remover. At the register the pharmacist tells her, “If
you’re going to use this under your arms don’t use deodorant for a few days.” The lady says: “I’m not using it
under my arms.”

The pharmacist says: “If you’re using it on your legs don’t shave for a couple of days.”

The lady says: “I’m not using it on my legs either; if you must know, I’m using it on my schnauzer.”

The pharmacist says: “Stay off your bicycle for a week.”


Two dyslexics in the kitchen and one says to the other, “Can you smell gas?”

“Gas? No, I can’t even smell my name!”


“Of course a platonic relationship is possible, but only between husband and wife.” – Unknown.


I bet it was really tough being an Apostle of Jesus. What if you wanted a day off?

You ring up Jesus and say, “Jesus, I’m sick today, running a little fever and feeling congested so I won’t be able to make it to today’s sermon. What…? Say that again..?” I’m cured?”


English Is A Crazy Language

There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.

Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren’t sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted but, if we explore its paradoxes, we find that…. quicksand can work slowly,
boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write, but fingers don’t fing, grocers don’t groce and hammers don’t ham?

Doesn’t it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend?

If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn’t preachers praught?

If a vegetarian eats vegetables what does a humanitarian eat? Humans?

If critically injured means badly injured, does critically acclaimed mean badly acclaimed?


SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE

Q. What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

Q. Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it’s worth it.

Q. What do you call a smart blonde?
A. A golden retriever.

Q. What do lawyers use for birth control?
A. Their personalities.

Q. What’s the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
A. 20 kgs.

Q. What’s the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
A. 45 minutes.

Q. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
A. Because those men already have boyfriends.

Q. What’s the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
A. After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

Q. What’s the difference between a porcupine and a police car?
A. A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.


A Farmer goes to the bank to borrow money to buy a bull so he can increase his stock. The transaction is made and the banker who lent the money comes by a week later to see how his investment is doing. The farmer complains that the bull just eats grass and won’t even look at the cows. The banker suggests that a veterinarian have a look at the bull.

The next week the banker returns to see if the vet helped. The farmer looks very pleased: “The bull has taken care of all my cows, broke through the fence, and has even serviced all my neighbor’s cows!”

“Wow,” says the banker, “what did the vet do to that bull?”

“Just gave him some pills,” replied the farmer.

“What kind of pills?” asked the banker.

“I don’t know, but they sort of taste like peppermint.”


Senior Moments 80 year old woman says to her hubby “Oh Gawd I’m convinced I’m losing my mind” He replies “Im not surprised you’ve been giving me a piece of it every day for over 20 years.

Mid-life is when you go to the Dr and you realise you are now so old you have to pay someone to look at you naked.

You know you’re getting old when you feel bad in the morning without having any fun the night before

Laugh a little every day, it’s better than chicken soup. At least that’s what the chickens say

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

Stress Buster No. 36

“The highest drug in the world is giving”. Patch Adams.

When we do a good deed we feel good, today find a way of
doing something special for someone else. For example…
Praise people, smile at a stranger, make a coffee for
someone busier than you, thank people or let someone into
the traffic.


An oldie, but I love it.

“I see you were last employed by a psychiatrist,” said the
employer to the applicant. “Why did you leave?”

“Well,” she replied, “I just couldn’t win. If I was late to
work, I was hostile. If I was early, I had an anxiety
complex. If I was on time, I was compulsive.”


A secretary, out with appendicitis, was being visited by a
co-worker in the hospital.

“How are things at the office going, Claudia?” she asked.

“Well, they’re all sharing your work. Jody is making the
coffee, Louise is reading all your magazines, and Cathy is
making it with the boss.”


Joke of the Year – 2007

Two women were sitting together, quietly.


The young mother skeptically examined a new educational
toy.

“Isn’t it rather complicated for a small boy?” she asked
the salesclerk.

“It’s designed to ease the tot into living in today’s
world, madam,” the shop assistant replied. “Any way he
tries to put it together is wrong.”


Q. Why is Cinderella such a poor tennis player?

A. She had a pumpkin for a coach.


An Aussie Love Story

An elderly man lay dying in his bed.
While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly
smelled the aroma of his favourite Anzac bikkies wafting up
the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted
himself from the bed.

Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the
bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing
with both hands, he crawled downstairs.

With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame,
gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death’s agony, he
would have thought himself already in heaven, for there,
spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were
literally hundreds of his favourite Anzac biscuits.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his
devoted Aussie wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he
left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards
the table, landing on his knees in rumpled posture. His
aged and withered hand trembled towards a biscuit at the
edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife
with a spatula.

“No!!” she said, “They’re for the funeral.”


“I hope I don’t sound like an old-fashioned
stick-in-the-mud, but when I hear about people making vast
fortunes without doing any productive work or contributing
anything to society, my reaction is: ‘How can I get in on
that?'” –Dave Barry


Some men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One of
the men walked in the office and said, “We need some
four-by-twos.”

The clerk asked, “You mean two-by-fours, don’t you?”

The man said, “I’ll go check,” and went back to the truck.
He returned and said, “Yeah, I meant two-by-four.”

“All right. How long do you need them?”

The customer paused for a minute and said, “I’d better go
check.” After a while, the customer returned to the office
and said, “A long time. We’re gonna build a house.”


Oh! And a first-grader joke for you:

Q. “What’s white and smells like blue paint?”

A. White paint!


“Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are
good is like expecting the bull not to charge because you
are a vegetarian.” –Dennis Wholey


No one is more cautious than a first-time parent. After our
daughter was big enough to ride on the back of my bicycle,
I bought a special carrier with a seat belt and got her a
little helmet.

The day of the first ride I put her in the seat, double-
checked all the equipment, wheeled the bike to the end of
the driveway, carefully looked both ways and, swinging my
leg up over the crossbar, accidentally kicked her right in
the chin.


Q. What did the bartender ask Charles Dickens when he
ordered a martini?

A. Olive or twist?


I guy walks into his Doctors office and he has one ear full
of jelly and the other full of cake.

The Doctor says, “What can I do for you today Mr Jones?”

The man says, “What.”

So the Doctor repests himself, “What can I do for you today
Mr Jones?

Mr Jones, lookling slightly befuddled says, “You will have
to speak up a bit Doctor, I am a trifle deaf.”


Q. “Why did everyone run out of Wendys?”

A. “Because someboyd dropped a Whopper”


The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight,
because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be
really good friends.


“There was this billy goat at a movie studio who found and
ate a can of film. When a nanny asked him how he liked it,
he said, ‘It was all right but I liked the book better.'”
—Johnny Carson


Three tourists climbed up the tower with London’s Big Ben
and decided to throw their watches off the top, run down
the stairs and try to catch them before they hit the
ground. The first tourist threw his watch but heard it
crash before the had taken three steps. the second threw
his watch and made only two steps before hearing his watch
shatter. The third tourist threw his watch off the tower,
went down the stairs, bought a snack at a shop up the
street and walked slowly back to Big Ben in time to catch
the watch.” How did you do that?” asked one of his friends.

“My watch is 20 minutes slow.”


This is a true story, proving how fascinating the mind of a
six year old is. They think so logically.

A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to
her class. She came to the part of the story where first
pig was trying to gather the building materials for his
home. She read … ‘and so the pig went up to the man with
the wheelbarrow full of straw and said: ‘Pardon me sir, but
may I have some of that straw to build my house?’

The teacher paused then asked the class ‘And what do you think the man said?’

One little boy raised his hand and said very
matter-of-factly …’I think the man would have said –
‘Well, me!! A talking pig!’

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.


Things people hate

  • Waiting to go straight ahead at a red light behind someone
    who doesn’t indicate they’re turning right until the light
    goes green
  • How about being told that you’re repeating yourself?
  • I hate is getting hurt by an inanimate object because you
    can’t hurt it back!
  • Having to travel 2 or 3 kilometres out of my way just to do
    a u turn or turn right.
  • People who just walk in on a conversation, interupt it and start talking about other
    things.
  • Anyone who absolutely must have the last word no
    matter what.
  • People who have an art of turning things
    around and reversing things to put blame on the other
    party.
  • People entering my workspace and immediately starting into
    what they want done – regardless of what I might be doing
    at the time
  • Sports speak BS (Still):inevitably during an interview
    Aus/NZ sports folk will say “Yeah-na” What does that mean?
  • At the movies – TEXTERS. I will give them one or two – who
    knows what emergency it might be? After that I say in
    normal conversational tone loud in a theatre (quite) “Please, if you are here for the movie turn off your phone.
    If you want to text go outside so we can enjoy what we paid
    for”.

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

Stress Buster No. 35

Things people hate, part 2.

We’ve included a few more for this week, but we’d love you to send in the favourite things that YOU hate.

  • Being corrected for a mispronounced word.
  • Being pushed into something you don’t want to do.
  • Being corrected for a mispronounced word.
  • People whispering or rustling at the movies or theatre.

A guy goes into the doctor’s office. There is a banana stuck in one of his ears, a carrot stuck in one nostril and a cucumber in the other ear.

The man says, “Doc, this is terrible. What’s wrong with me?”

The doctor says, “Well, first of all, you’re not eating right.”


Our local paper runs a popular column called “10 Questions” that spotlights people who live in our community.

In addition to the usual inquiries about occupation and age, people are asked the questions that give a snapshot look of their personalities.

Recently one woman was asked, “What’s the ‘strangest’ thing you ever bought?”

She answered, “Dog toothpaste.”

Next question, “What is the ‘most common’ thing people say to you?”

Her answer: “Where did you get such white teeth?”


“I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.” —Demetri Martin


These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word , taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

—————-

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

—————-

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh… I was gettin’ laid!

—————-

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?

—————-

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

—————-

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.


Sitting together on a train, travelling through the Swiss Alps, were a Kiwi guy, an Australian bloke, a little old Greek lady, and a young well endowed blonde Swiss girl.

The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap.

When the train emerges from the tunnel, the Kiwi has a bright red hand print on his cheek.

No one speaks.

The old lady thinks: The Kiwi guy must have groped the blonde in the dark, and she slapped his cheek.

The blonde Swiss girl thinks: That Kiwi guy must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped his cheek.

The Kiwi thinks: The Australian bloke must have groped the blonde in the dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.

The Australian thinks: I can’t wait for another tunnel, just so I can smack the Kiwi again.


One Liners

“I still miss my ex – but am getting better with practice”

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke!

I’m not a complete idiot – some of the parts are missing


“I ain’t saying the customer service in my bank is bad, but when I went in the other day and asked the clerk to check my balance she leaned over and pushed me.” –Unknown


A woman meant to call a record store, but dialed the wrong number and got a private home instead. “Do you have ‘Eyes of Blue’ and ‘A Love Supreme?'” she asked.

“Well, no,” answered the puzzled homeowner. “But I have a wife and eleven children.”

“Is that a record?” the caller inquired, puzzled in her turn.

“I don’t think so,” replied the man, “but it’s as close as I want to get.”


My sources are unreliable, but their information is fascinating. —Ashleigh Brilliant


Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris with a gorgeous woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, “You’re really doing great, aren’t you?”

Morris replied, “Just doing what you said, Doc: ‘Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'” The doctor said, “I didn’t say that. I said, ‘You’ve got a heart murmur; be careful.'”


“He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.” Paul Keating


Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too


Then there was the Eskimo girl who spent the night with her boyfriend and the next morning found she was six months pregnant.


I went to a store to buy some insecticide. “Is this good for beetles?” I asked the clerk. “No,” replied. “It’ll kill ’em.”


Concerned about fitness in my middle 40s, I enrolled in an aerobics class. To my dismay I walked into a room filled with much younger women and decided to combat my nervousness with humor.

“I’m here to do my postnatal exercises,”

The instructor gave me an appraising look. “How old is your baby?”

“Twenty-six,” I replied.


A lawyer dies and goes to Heaven. “There must be some mistake,” the lawyer argues. “I’m too young to die. I’m only fifty five.”

“Fifty five?” says Saint Peter. “No, according to our calculations, you’re eighty two.”

“How’d you get that?” the lawyer asks.

Answers St. Peter, “We added up your billable hours.”

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

Stress Buster No. 34.

Things people hate.

Limit difficult behaviour in others by avoiding what people tell us they hate. Examples include:

  • Being told “I told you so.”
  • People pushing in front of a queue.
  • Having chips pinched from their plate.
  • Being coughed on.
  • People who don’t back you at a meeting.
  • Being given advice they don’t want.

Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Shamus, were stumbling home from the pub late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard.

“Come have a look over here,” says Paddy, “it’s Michael O’Grady’s grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87.”

“That’s nothing”, says Sean, “here’s one named Patrick O’Tool, it says here that he was 95 when he died.”

Just then, Shamus yells out, “Good God, here’s a fella that got to be 145 years old!”

“What was his name?” asks Paddy.

Shamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, “Miles, from Dublin.”


Another true school story from Marcia One of my then colleagues had a very disruptive boy in her class of 5 year olds and had ‘words’ with this boy just before the end of the school day. First thing the next morning the boy’s mother arrived at the school principal’s office demanding, in no uncertain terms the teacher should be sacked for calling her son unacceptable names. She raged on for some minutes before the principal could get a word in and offered to summon the teacher concerned. When my colleague arrived the mother accused her of calling her son ‘a scurvy elephant’. The teacher was dumbfounded and maintained she hadn’t and wouldn’t, under any circumstances, call a pupil ‘a scurvy elephant’. The principal promised she would continue to ‘look into’ the matter and the mother, though still irate, left the school. The matter troubled my colleague all day but just on ‘home time’ she remembered the previous day she had referred to the boy as ‘a disturbing element’!


While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant and resumed their trip.

When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table and she didn’t miss them until they had been driving about twenty minutes. By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.

All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn’t let up one minute.

To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. As the woman got out of the car and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her, “While you’re in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card.”


“Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.” -Steven Wright


An old husband was in his back yard is trying to fly a kite. He throws the kite up in the air, the wind catches it for a few seconds, then it comes crashing back down to earth. He tries this a few more times with no success.

All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window, Muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything. She opens the window and yells to her husband, “You need a piece of tail.”

The man turns with a confused look on his face and says, “Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite.”


Q. Where do hamburgers go to dance?
A. The Meat ball!


I went to the cemetery yesterday, there were 4 pall bearers walking around with a coffin. 3 hours later they were still walking around with it.

I thought to myself:

“These idiots have lost the plot”


A true story

In local hospital they have a cabinet of the more expensive gifts for the patients. Any way an old fella stood looking at the display then asked my wife to take 10 presents out for closer inspection. Then he said he’d take them all for the grandchildren and could she take the price tags off and wrap them individually please?

In view of the size of the sale Noreen rushed to oblige. As she finished the last one she watched in horror as the nurse from the dementia ward wandered in and took the old fellow’s arm and guided him out the door. And to make matters worse, she couldn’t remember which price tag went with which present.


“Let’s forget about the six feet and talk about the seven inches.” —Mae West


While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband’s advice.

“What do you think?” I asked. “Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?”

“Better get a bikini,” he replied. “You’d never get it all in one.”

He’s still in intensive care.


This actually happened – I know the people involved: A vicar sat before his typewriter one morning to write his sermon for the following Sunday. “What will you use as your text, my dear?” asked his wife. “Water skiing,” he replied. She expressed some doubts about his choice but he seemed confident so she went off to attend a meeting. In the event he couldn’t make the sermon “jell” so he gave up after a while and attended to more pressing matters.

Later in the week he tried again and felt quite pleased with a sermon he had written on the subject of s e x education. Unfortunately the pair had a busy week so hadn’t had time to communicate about all of their activiteis and on Sunday she missed the service because she was preparing dinner for a group of visiting clergy.

The following week her long time friend and confidant arrived early for Mothers’ Union meeting. She burst into the house saying, “I am so sorry you couldn’t attend on Sunday, Martha, your husband’s sermon was quite the most inspiring one I’ve heard yet – he was brilliant.”

Martha thought back to her enquiry about his text for the week and when she remembered, said “Go on, Edith, it can’t have been. He knows nothing about it. He’s only ever tried twice – once before we were married and once not long afterwards and he fell off both times.”


An elderly clergiman who retired to a country district used to keep himself active and entertained by cycling half a dozen miles of a Sunday to a nearby church to take a service on behalf of the local vicar. One morning his cycle skidded in the gravel and deposited him ignominiously in a ditch, which fortunately was dry.

A few minutes later Mr. and Mrs. B all came along in their car, rescued the old boy and gave him a lift to the church where he thought a few words of public acknowledgement would be appropriate. “I had an unfortunate experience this morning,” he told his congregation, “my cycle skidded and I ended up in the ditch and if I hadn’t been pulled out by the B alls I wouldn’t be here now.” Then wondered why his congregation cracked up.


If you throw a cat out of a car window, is that kitty litter?

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

Stress Buster No. 32

Bad bosses are bad news.

“Bad bosses are bad news, they can lead to stress and ill health.” Prof. Avni Sali, Gawler Foundation Conference. Some bosses are unaware of their difficult behaviour. Feedback sometimes helps, try the words, “I wonder if you realise that sometimes you….(voice your concern)?”


Q. What is the Indian word for “lousy hunter?”
A. Vegetarian.


I was testing the children in my Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to Heaven.

I asked them, “If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?”

“NO!” the children answered.

“If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?”

Again, the answer was, “NO!” By now I was starting to smile. Hey, this was fun! “Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven?” I asked them again.

Again, they all answered, “NO!” I was just bursting with pride for them.

Well, I continued, “then how can I get into Heaven?”

A six-year-old boy shouted out, “YOU GOTTA BE DEAD!


I was making love to this girl and she started crying.

I said, “Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?”

She said. “No. I hate myself now.” —Rodney Dangerfield


When I was a child, I remember my Mom telling me, “Son, when you grow up, you can marry any girl you please.”

When I became a young man, I learned the sad fact was that I could not please any of them.


My mother said, “You won’t amount to anything because you procrastinate.”

I said, “Just wait.” —Judy Tenuta


A man goes to the doctor with a swollen foot. After a careful examination, the doctor gives the man a pill big enough to choke a horse.

“I’ll be right back with some water,” the doctor tells him.

The doctor has been gone a while and the man loses patience. He hobbles out to the drinking fountain, forces the pill down his throat and gobbles down water until the pill clears his throat. He hobbles back into the examining room.

The doctor comes back with a bucket of warm water. “Ok, after the tablet dissolves, soak that leg for at least 30 minutes.”


Our young daughter had adopted a stray cat. To my distress, he began to use the back of our new sofa as a scratching post.

“Don’t worry,” my husband reassured me. “I’ll have him trained in no time.”

I watched for several days as my husband patiently “trained” our new pet. Whenever the cat scratched, my husband deposited him outdoors to teach him a lesson.

The cat learned quickly. For the next 16 years, whenever he wanted to go outside, he scratched the back of the sofa.


A new retiree greeter at Wal-Mart just couldn’t seem to get to work on time.

Every day 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, real sharp, so the Boss was in a quandary about how to deal with it.

Finally, one day he called him into the office for a talk.

“Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang up job, but your being late so often is quite bothersome.”

“Yes, I know Boss, and I am working on it.”

“Well good, you are a team player. That’s what I like to hear. It’s odd though, your coming in late. I know you’re retired from the Air Force. wat did they say if you came in late there?”

“They said, “Good morning, General.”


“Maybe every other American movie shouldn’t be based on a comic book. Other countries will think Americans live in an infantile fantasy land where every problem can be solved with violence.” –Bill Maher


A young jackaroo from outback Queensland goes off to university, but halfway through the semester he foolishly has squandered all of his money.

He calls home. “Dad,” he says, “you won’t believe what modern education is developing. They actually have a program here in Brisbane that will teach our dog Ol’ Blue how to talk.”

“That’s amazing!” his Dad says. “How do I get Ol’ Blue in that program?”

“Just send him down here with $2,000,” the young jackaroo says, “I’ll get him in the course.”

So … his father sends the dog and $2,000.

About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home. “So how’s Ol’ Blue doing, son?” his father wants to know.

“Awesome! Dad, he’s talking up a storm. But you just won’t believe this. They’ve had such good results with talking, they’ve begun to teach the animals how to read.”

“Read?!” exclaims his father. “No kidding! How do we get Ol’ Blue in that program?”

“Just send $4,500. I’ll get him in the class.”

The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk nor read. So he shoots the dog. When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.

“Where’s Ol’ Blue? I just can’t wait to talk with him, and see him read something!”

“Dad,” the boy says, “I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol’ Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal. Then he suddenly turned to me and asked, ‘So, is your daddy still messing around with that little redhead barmaid at the pub?'”

The father groans and whispers, “I hope you shot that bas t ard before he talks to your Mother!”

“I sure did, Dad!”

“That’s my boy!”

The kid went on to be a successful lawyer.


An 85-year-old widow went on a blind date with a 90-year-old man. When she returned to her daughter’s house later that night, she seemed upset.

“What happened, Mother?” the daughter asked.

“I had to slap his face three times!”

“You mean he got fresh?”

“No,” she answered, “I thought he was dead.”


A lawyer sent an overdue bill notice to a client who had fired him. A note was attached that stated: “This bill is one year old!”

By return mail the lawyer got his bill back. To it was attached a card which read: “Happy Birthday!”

So the Lawyer sends the bill again with a note: “I meant to say that this bill has been outstanding for a year.

The disenchanted client replies… “Congratulations Bill!”


WARNING… Politically incorrect joke ahead! Do not read if easily offended.

 

Was depressed last night so I rang Lifeline.

Got a call centre in Pakistan.

Told them I was suicidal,

they got all excited and asked if I could fly a plane!

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

Stress Buster No. 31

Seek out quiet Low level noise such as keyboards, chatting and the hum of photocopiers can lead to raised levels of the stress hormone cortisol. Find ways to retreat from noise in your lunch break… the park, a church or a conference room.


Can I have some Irish Sausages, please?” asked the Irishman, walking up to the counter. The assistant looked at him and asked: “Are you Irish?” “If I had asked you for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?” demanded the Irishman indignantly.

“Or, if I asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?” Then, warming to his theme, he went on: “Or if I asked you for a Kosher hot dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish?”

“Or, if I asked you for a taco, would you ask me if I was Mexican? Would Ya? Would Ya?” The assistant said: “Well, no.”

Suitably encouraged by the success of his logic, the Irishman steps it up a gear. “And if I asked you for frogs legs, would you ask me if I was French?” “What about Danish Bacon, would you ask me if I was Danish?” “Well no, I probably wouldn’t” conceded the assistant.

So, now bursting with righteous indignation, the Irishman says: “Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I’m Irish just because I asked for Irish sausages?”

The assistant replied: “Because you’re in Bunnings”


Ed and Dorothy met while on vacation, and Ed fell head over heels in love with her.

On the last night of his vacation, the two of them went to dinner and had a serious talk about how they would continue the relationship.

“It’s only fair to warn you, I’m a total golf nut,” Ed said to his lady friend.

“I eat, sleep and breathe golf, so if that’s a problem, you’d better say so now.”

Dorothy responded, “If we’re being honest with each other, here goes………. I’m a hooker.”

“I see,” Ed replied, and was quiet for a moment.

Then he added, “You know, it’s probably because you’re not keeping your wrists straight when you tee off.”


True story

Tom and James came into my classroom very annoyed with each other. I asked what the matter was and Tom complained bitterly that James had sworn at him. James, with great indignation, said that he hadn’t. Accusations of, “Did!”, “Didn’t!” flew too and fro.

Finally I asked what had actually been said. Tom replied that James had used the ‘F’ word. They set too again, “No I didn’t!”, “Yes you did!” with increasing animosity, until Tom finally exploded, “Yes you did, you called me ‘Fathead’!”


A lawyer sent an overdue bill notice to a client who had fired him. A note was attached that stated: “This bill is one year old!”

By return mail the lawyer got his bill back. To it was attached a card which read: “Happy Birthday!”


After the birth of my son, a woman from the records depart- ment stopped by my hospital room to get information for his birth certificate.

“Father’s date of birth?” she asked.

When I told her, she said, “Do you realize that his birthday is exactly nine months before your son’s birth?”

“No, I hadn’t thought about it,” I responded, “but now that you mention it, I realize that I have a daughter who turned two a couple of days before the same date.”

After she finished taking down all the data, she patted my hand and said, “Maybe you should start buying your husband a tie for his birthday.”


A blonde was weed-eating her yard and accidentally cut off the tail of her cat which was hiding in the grass. She rushed her cat, along with the tail over to WALMART!

Why WALMART???

WALMART is the largest retailer in the world!!!


“Did you hear about that actress who was stabbed? … Reece, Rhys … reece ??? oh … Witherspoon?? … no, with a knife!


One day Joe decided that he would like to have a dog. Being a modern guy, he looked at e-bay for a bargain and sure enough he found a Belgian guy who offered puppies for sale. He decided to go there and take a look at the puppies. As they were just old enough to be separated from their mother and the prise was right, the sale was made and Joe went home with his new companion. At home he immediately tried to teach the puppy some tricks. The first one was to fetch a stick that he would throw away. The puppy was very quick to learn this trick and Joe took his puppy out to the park to play with it. The puppy was delighted to fetch the stick and Joe was throwing it ever further. One time however, he accidentally threw the stick into the pond. The puppy went after it and – much to Joes surprise – the puppy walked over the water, fetched the stick and brought it back to Joe. Joe could not believe his eyes, so he threw the stick into the pond once more. Sure enough the puppy ran out to the pond, walked over the water, fetched the stick and brought it back to Joe. When Joe returned home, he decided to inform the Belgian seller of the dog about the unusual quality of this puppy. This guy was not surprised at all! What is so special about that, he replied. In a litter of ten dogs, there is always one or two that cannot swim….


I know my company has made a big effort to be family friendly, but I was baffled when I read this holiday an- nouncement posted on the bulletin board: “All employees are invited to the annual Christmas party. All children under the age of ten will receive a gift from Santa.

Employees who have no children may bring grandchildren.”


The government will be requiring new food labels that are more specific. Products will now be labeled, no fat, low fat, reduced fat and fat, but great personality.


There is a website that greatly amuses me… Things My Girlfriend and I Have Argued About by Mil Millington.

Here is an excerpt….

We’re in the car. Margret’s driving. Just up ahead a woman is beginning to walk out onto a zebra crossing. I sense from Margret’s general aura – also from the fact she’s not easing off the accelerator to allow us to dip under the sound barrier – that, though I have, she hasn’t spotted this person. ‘Look out!’ I say, pointing with one hand while preparing the other to meet the airbag. Now realising the situation, Margret pulls up sharply and we come to a neck-rocking halt: ambling across in front of us, entirely unaware of her good fortune, the pedestrian lives. Margret turns to me and, prickly, says, “You’re always looking around at other women aren’t you?”

You can see heaps more at …. mil-millington.com


The first graders were attending their first music lesson. The teacher was trying to begin at the beginning. She drew a musical staff on the blackboard and asked a little girl to come up and write a note on it.

The little girl went to the blackboard, looked thoughtful for a minute and wrote, “Dear Aunt Emma, just a short note to tell you I’m fine.”


Yesterday I went to the doctor for my yearly physical. My blood pressure was high, my cholesterol was high, I’d gained some weight and I didn’t feel so hot. My doctor said that I needed to eat right and that it didn’t have to be complicated. It would solve all my physical problems, he said, if I just think in colors.

He told me to fill my plate with bright colors – greens, yellows, reds, etc. So I went home and did just what he said. I ate a whole bowl full of M & M’s and you know what? He’s was right, I felt better immediately. I never knew eating right could be so easy.

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

Stress Buster No. 30

Humour Days at work

Fun decor, cartoon posters, jokes at meetings, balloons, funny hats, email humour, fun tea breaks, talent competitions, comedy DVDs, fun logos and signs, decorate lifts, award prizes for effort.

Explain to people, we take our work seriously and ourselves a little less seriously.


“Historic day at the White House. President Bush met the Dalai Lama. There was an awkward moment when Bush said, ‘Who’s the bald chick in the dress?'” -Conan O’Brien


I like to buy women a lot of drinks, not so much to lessen their inhibitions as to lower their standards. —Unknown


I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the Super Wal-Mart Shopping Center and rolled down the car windows to make sure my Labrador Retriever Pup had fresh air. She was stretched full-out on the back seat and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there.

I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, “Now you stay. Do you hear me?” “Stay! Stay!”

The driver of a nearby car, a pretty blonde young lady, gave me a strange look and said, “Why don’t you just put it in park?”


At the end of our first date the girl told me I was crazy in the head and I should be committed to a mental institution. Why do women always want us to make a commitment? —Unknown


Drawbacks of working in a cubicle

  • Not being able to check E-mail attachments without first seeing who’s behind you.
  • The walls are too close together for the hammock to work right.
  • Prison cells are not only bigger, they have beds.
  • When you quit and walk out, there’s no door to slam.
  • Being told to “think outside the box” when you’re in a freakin’ box all day long.
  • 23 power cords – 1 outlet.
  • If you talk to yourself it causes all the surrounding cubicle inhabitants to pop their heads over the wall and say “What? I didn’t hear you.”
  • You always have the feeling that someone is watching you, but by the time you turn to look they’ve gone.

Q. What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman?
A. Frostbite.


I don’t know if you know much about a town by the name of Queenstown in Tassie, but it’s ecological history is somewhat bleak. First they logged every single tree from every hill for miles (lots of hills by the way), then they discovered copper and some other useful metals and ripped into the hills.

They also used some pretty potent chemicals in their mining processes and the naked, rocky hills are now permanently stained in shades of purple and pink. It is one of the ugliest places I have ever seen and if the road sign is anything to go by, I’m not the only one. The sign should have read “Welcome to Queenstown” but someone with a sense of humour and a liking for Tolkien scratched out the correct name and wrote “Mordor” instead. I have never seen more apt grafitti.


A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second. In the third everything had just been reduced to a fiver when her mobile phone rang. It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.

The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she’d be there as soon as possible. As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the shops. She decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital. She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful coffee slice complimentary from the last shop She was jubilant.

Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her Husband’s condition. The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, ‘You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn’t you! I hope you’re proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It’s just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will be more than likely the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round the clock care. And you’ll now be his full time carer!’

The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed. The female doctor then chuckled and said, ‘I’m just pulling your leg. He’s dead. What’d you buy?’


A nurse noticed a man in golf attire pacing up and down out- side the operating room where another golfer who had a golf ball driven down his throat, was being treated.

“Is he a relative of yours?” the nurse, stepping outside the room, asked the pacing golfer.

“No,” replied the man, “That’s my ball!”


One morning at church, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyerof the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names with little flags mounted on either side of it.

The six year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, “Good morning Alex.”

“Good morning Pastor,” he replied, still focused on the plaque.

“Pastor, what is this?” he asked the pastor.

The pastor said, “Well, son, it’s a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.”

Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque. Finally, little Alex’s voice, barely audible and trembling with fear, asked,

“Which service, the 9:30 or the 11:15?”


Quotes

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible — George Burns

 

Don’t worry about avoiding temptation as you grow older, it will avoid you. — Winston Churchill

 

Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty … but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out. — Phyllis Diller


Have you heard about the latest Viagra?

It comes in powder form . You can put it in your tea or coffee so that when you dip your biscuit it doesn’t go limp


John Howard Stamp

Australia Post created a stamp with a picture of John Howard to honour his achievements. Unfortunately, the stamp was not sticking to envelopes.

This enraged our Prime Minister, who demanded a full investigation into the matter. After a month of testing, the investigation revealed three findings:

  1. The stamp is in perfect order.
  2. There is nothing wrong with the applied adhesive.
  3. People are spitting on the wrong side.

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

Stress Buster No. 28.

Time together and time apart

Only you can judge this. When you have time apart, you bring new experiences and a freshness back into the relationship. However balance is important, if you have too much time apart, you can start to live separate lives.


"Here’s to woman! Would that we could fall into her arms without falling into her hands." –Ambrose Bierce


A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden. "Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British."

"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They’re n a k e d, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French."

"No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they’re being told this is paradise. They are Russian."


"A candidate is someone who gets money from the rich and votes from the poor to protect them from each other." —Unknown


A woman goes to the local psychic in hopes of contacting her dearly departed grandmother. The psychic’s eyelids begin fluttering, her hands float up above the table, and she begins moaning. Eventually, a coherent voice emanates saying, "Granddaughter? Are you there?"

The woman, wide-eyed and on the edge of her seat, responds, "Grandmother? Is that you?"

"Yes granddaughter, it’s me."

"It’s really, really you, grandmother?", the woman repeats.

"Yes, it’s really me, granddaughter."

The woman looks puzzled, "You’re sure it’s you, grandmother?"

"Yes, granddaughter, I’m sure it’s me." The woman pauses a moment, "Grandmother, I have just one question for you."

"Anything, my child."

"Grandmother, when did you learn to speak English?"


Paddy and his wife were in bed trying to get to sleep when the neighbours dog began to bark. After 15 minutes Of constant barking, Paddy bounds out of bed. "I’m going to go and see about that dog".

Not 5 minutes later Paddy is back in bed, and the dog can still be heard barking. His wife says, "Paddy your back, what did you Do?" Paddy says, "I put him in our yard. Let them put up with it for a while."


She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter as she’d done many times before. After she applied her lipstick and started to Leave, the little one said, "But Gramma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!"


There is a new group established for obsessive speakers, it is called On and On Anon


I don’t understand why Cupid was chosen to represent Valentine’s Day. When I think about romance, the last thing on my mind is a short, chubby toddler coming at me with a weapon.


A surgeon goes to return some books he borrowed from the library… The librarian quips after checking the books…

"Sir your books are always returned with the last page missing in every single book…"

The surgeon replies, "I can’t stop myself from removing an appendix when ever I see one."


True observation

On a recent trip down the Stuart Highway from Katherine to Tennant Creek noted the sign "TICK FREE AREA" – some wag had added "LUNA" prior to the Tick! Some great humour in the Aussie road signs which we appreciated.


Just a quick true story for you: My friend at work has a very cute 3 yr old daughter. After going to kinder for the day the little girl told her mummy about the plays they had been doing that day and now wanted to perform for her mum. She gets ready and sits her mum down and starts off by saying "Ladies and GERMANS……" Her mother tried to tell her that it was actually ladies and gentleman, but the little girl was adamant it was "Ladies and Germans"……..


This is hot of the press from Gai my friend in the U.S. I’m not sure how she got hold of Australia’s new Citizen Questionnaire, but here it is.

Do you know the answers to these:

LANGUAGE

  1. Do you understand the meaning, but are unable to explain the origin of the term "died in the arse"?
  2. What is a mole?
  3. Are these terms related: chuck a sickie; chuck a spaz; chuck a U-ey?
  4. Explain the following passage: "In the arvo last Chrissy the relos rocked up for a barbie, some bevvies and a few snags. After a bit of a Bex and a lie down we opened the pressies, scoffed all the chockies, bickies and lollies. Then we drained a few tinnies and Mum did her block after Dad and Steve had a barney and a bit of biffo."

CUSTOMS

  1. Macca, Chooka and Wanger are driving to Surfers in their Torana. If they are travelling at 100 km/h while listening to Barnsey, Farnsey and Acca Dacca, how many slabs will each person on average consume between flashing a brown eye and having a slash?
  2. Complete the following sentences:
    1. "If the van’s rockin’ don’t bother …
    2. You’re going home in the back of a …
    3. Fair suck of the …
  3. I’ve had a gutful and I can’t be fagged. Discuss
  4. Have you ever been on the giving or receiving end of a wedgie?
  5. Do you have a friend or relative who has a car in their front yard "up on blocks"? Is his name Keith and does he have a wife called Cheryl?

FOOD

  1. Does your family regularly eat a dish involving mincemeat, cabbage, curry powder and a packet of chicken noodle soup called either chow mein, chop suey or kai see ming?
  2. What are the ingredients in a rissole?
  3. Demonstrate the correct procedure for eating a Tim Tam.
  4. When you go to a bring- your-own-meat barbie can you eat other people’s meat or are you only allowed to eat your own?
  5. What purple root vegetable beginning with the letter "b" is required by law to be included in a hamburger with the lot?

CULTURE

  1. Do you own or have you ever owned a lawn mower, a pair of thongs, an Esky or Ugg boots?
  2. Who would you like to crack on to?
  3. Who is the most Australian: Kevin "Bloody" Wilson, John "True Blue" Williamson, Kylie Minogue or Warnie?
  4. Is there someone you are only mates with because they own a trailer or have a pool?
  5. Would you love to have a beer with Duncan?

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

Stress Buster No. 28.

Ask nicely

You hear it all the time ”It’s not what they said, it was the way they said it!” Consider saying ‘Have you thought of putting the rubbish out?’ This gives the person the chance to say ‘Yes’ even if they haven’t.


“My uncle’s dying wish was that he wanted me on his lap–He was in the electric chair.” —Rodney Dangerfield


A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. “Good morning,” said the young man. “If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.” “Go away!” said the old lady. “I’m broke and haven’t got any money!” and she proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. “Don’t be too hasty!” he said. “Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.” And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. “If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.”

The old lady stepped back and said, “Well let me get you a fork, ’cause they cut off my electricity this morning.”


“My parents told me, ‘Finish your dinner. People in China and India are starving.’ I tell my daughters, ‘Finish your homework. People in India and China are starving for your job.'” -Thomas Friedman


A Priest was about to finish his tour of duty, and was leaving his Mission in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives when he realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English. So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest.

He points to a tree and says to the chief, “This is a tree.” The chief looks at the tree and grunts, “Tree.” The Priest is pleased with the response. They walk a little further and he points to a rock and says, “This is a rock.” Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, “Rock.”

The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity.

The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, “Man riding a bike.” The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them. The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and be kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way?

The chief replied, “My bike.”


A secretary walked into her boss’s office and said, “I’m afraid I’ve got some bad news for you.”

“Why do you always have to give me bad news?” he complained. “Tell me some good news for once.”

“Alright, here’s some good news,” said the secretary. “You’re not sterile.”


A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee’s home phone number and was greeted with a child’s whisper ” Hello ? ”

“Is your daddy home?” he asked. ” Yes”, whispered the small voice. “May I talk with him?” The child whispered, ” No “.

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, “Is your Mommy there?” ” Yes ” “May I talk with her?” Again the small voice whispered, ” No ” Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, “Is anybody else there?”

” Yes ” whispered the child, ” a policeman “. Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee’s home, the boss asked, “May I speak with the policeman?” ” No, he’s busy “, whispered the child. “Busy doing what?”

” Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman ,” came the whispered answer. Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, “What is that noise?”

” A helicopter ” answered the whispering voice. “What is going on there?” demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.. Again, whispering, the child answered, ” The search team just landed a helicopter ”

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, “What are they searching for?” Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle… ” ME ”


Frank was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him ‘Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from to 200 in less then 6 seconds – AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!

The next morning Frank got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough, there was a box, gift-wrapped, in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Frank has been missing since Friday.


A young man excitedly tells his mother he’s fallen in love and is going to get married. He says, “Just for fun, Ma, I’m going to bring over 2 other female friends in addition to my fiancee and you try and guess which one I’m going to marry”. The next day, he brings 3 beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, “Okay, Ma.guess which one I’m going to marry.” She immediately replies, “The red-head in the middle.” “That’s amazing, Ma. You’re right, how did you know?” “I don’t like her.”


“A word to the wise isn’t necessary. It’s the stupid ones who need the advice.” —Bill Cosby


“Well, Ted, you’re certainly coming up in the world. What’s the idea of playing golf with not one, but two caddies!” “Oh, it was my wife’s idea.” “Your wife?” “Yeah,” answers Ted, “She thought I should spend more time with the kids.”


Another true Italian traffic story

We were holidaying in Tuscany and drove into a very sweet ancient walled town – with only the enthusiasm (and naivety) of an Australian traveler in Italy for the first time, we were rapt to find so much parking available in the centre of the town…locked our little rental car “Junior” and you guessed it, came back to a fine for parking in the Piazza. (town square)


My niece’s class assignment was to interview a senior citizen about his or her life, so she asked me, “What was the biggest historical event that happened during your childhood?” “I’d have to say the moonwalk,” I replied. She looked disappointed. “That dance was so important to you?”


Pauly walks into a bar and says “Bartender, one round for everyone, on me!” The bartender says, “Well, Pauly, seems you’re in a really good mood tonight, eh?”

Pauly says, “Oh, you can bet on it! I just got hired by the city to go around and remove all the money from parking meters. I start on Monday!”

The bartender congratulates the man and proceeds to pour the round.

Monday evening arrives. Pauly comes back into the bar and says “Bartender, TWO rounds for everyone, on me!”

The bartender says, “Well now! If you’re so happy just over having this new job, I can just imagine how happy you’ll be when you get your paycheck!”

Pauly looks at the bartender with a confused look on his face, pulls out quite a handful of quarters from his pocket, and says “You mean they’ll PAY me on top of it?”