The Fabulous Friday Funnies
Stress Buster No. 32
Bad bosses are bad news.
“Bad bosses are bad news, they can lead to stress and ill health.†Prof. Avni Sali, Gawler Foundation Conference. Some bosses are unaware of their difficult behaviour. Feedback sometimes helps, try the words, “I wonder if you realise that sometimes you….(voice your concern)?â€
Q. What is the Indian word for “lousy hunter?”
A. Vegetarian.
I was testing the children in my Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to Heaven.
I asked them, “If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?”
“NO!” the children answered.
“If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?”
Again, the answer was, “NO!” By now I was starting to smile. Hey, this was fun! “Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven?” I asked them again.
Again, they all answered, “NO!” I was just bursting with pride for them.
Well, I continued, “then how can I get into Heaven?”
A six-year-old boy shouted out, “YOU GOTTA BE DEAD!
I was making love to this girl and she started crying.
I said, “Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?”
She said. “No. I hate myself now.” —Rodney Dangerfield
When I was a child, I remember my Mom telling me, “Son, when you grow up, you can marry any girl you please.”
When I became a young man, I learned the sad fact was that I could not please any of them.
My mother said, “You won’t amount to anything because you procrastinate.”
I said, “Just wait.” —Judy Tenuta
A man goes to the doctor with a swollen foot. After a careful examination, the doctor gives the man a pill big enough to choke a horse.
“I’ll be right back with some water,” the doctor tells him.
The doctor has been gone a while and the man loses patience. He hobbles out to the drinking fountain, forces the pill down his throat and gobbles down water until the pill clears his throat. He hobbles back into the examining room.
The doctor comes back with a bucket of warm water. “Ok, after the tablet dissolves, soak that leg for at least 30 minutes.”
Our young daughter had adopted a stray cat. To my distress, he began to use the back of our new sofa as a scratching post.
“Don’t worry,” my husband reassured me. “I’ll have him trained in no time.”
I watched for several days as my husband patiently “trained” our new pet. Whenever the cat scratched, my husband deposited him outdoors to teach him a lesson.
The cat learned quickly. For the next 16 years, whenever he wanted to go outside, he scratched the back of the sofa.
A new retiree greeter at Wal-Mart just couldn’t seem to get to work on time.
Every day 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, real sharp, so the Boss was in a quandary about how to deal with it.
Finally, one day he called him into the office for a talk.
“Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang up job, but your being late so often is quite bothersome.”
“Yes, I know Boss, and I am working on it.”
“Well good, you are a team player. That’s what I like to hear. It’s odd though, your coming in late. I know you’re retired from the Air Force. wat did they say if you came in late there?”
“They said, “Good morning, General.”
“Maybe every other American movie shouldn’t be based on a comic book. Other countries will think Americans live in an infantile fantasy land where every problem can be solved with violence.” –Bill Maher
A young jackaroo from outback Queensland goes off to university, but halfway through the semester he foolishly has squandered all of his money.
He calls home. “Dad,” he says, “you won’t believe what modern education is developing. They actually have a program here in Brisbane that will teach our dog Ol’ Blue how to talk.”
“That’s amazing!” his Dad says. “How do I get Ol’ Blue in that program?”
“Just send him down here with $2,000,” the young jackaroo says, “I’ll get him in the course.”
So … his father sends the dog and $2,000.
About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home. “So how’s Ol’ Blue doing, son?” his father wants to know.
“Awesome! Dad, he’s talking up a storm. But you just won’t believe this. They’ve had such good results with talking, they’ve begun to teach the animals how to read.”
“Read?!” exclaims his father. “No kidding! How do we get Ol’ Blue in that program?”
“Just send $4,500. I’ll get him in the class.”
The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk nor read. So he shoots the dog. When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.
“Where’s Ol’ Blue? I just can’t wait to talk with him, and see him read something!”
“Dad,” the boy says, “I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol’ Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal. Then he suddenly turned to me and asked, ‘So, is your daddy still messing around with that little redhead barmaid at the pub?’”
The father groans and whispers, “I hope you shot that bas t ard before he talks to your Mother!”
“I sure did, Dad!”
“That’s my boy!”
The kid went on to be a successful lawyer.
An 85-year-old widow went on a blind date with a 90-year-old man. When she returned to her daughter’s house later that night, she seemed upset.
“What happened, Mother?” the daughter asked.
“I had to slap his face three times!”
“You mean he got fresh?”
“No,” she answered, “I thought he was dead.”
A lawyer sent an overdue bill notice to a client who had fired him. A note was attached that stated: “This bill is one year old!”
By return mail the lawyer got his bill back. To it was attached a card which read: “Happy Birthday!”
So the Lawyer sends the bill again with a note: “I meant to say that this bill has been outstanding for a year.
The disenchanted client replies… “Congratulations Bill!”
WARNING… Politically incorrect joke ahead! Do not read if easily offended.
Was depressed last night so I rang Lifeline.
Got a call centre in Pakistan.
Told them I was suicidal,
they got all excited and asked if I could fly a plane!
