The Fabulous Friday Funnies

Swine flu, however, is not a problem for the pigs because they’re all going to be cured anyway. News Flash …. this just in. The world’s religious leaders have issued a joint declaration that the Swine Flu pandemic is the start of the aporkalypse.

Swine flu has now mixed with bird flu. Scientists say they will find a cure when pigs fly.

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The Fabulous Friday Funnies

On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator: ‘I haven’t got a pen, so I’m steaming up the window to write the number on’.


Tech Support: ‘I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop’. Customer: ‘OK’. Tech Support: ‘Did you get a pop-up menu?’. Customer: ‘No’. Tech Support: ‘OK.
Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?’ Customer:
‘No’. Tech Support: ‘OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?’. Customer: ‘Sure. You told me to write ‘click’ and I wrote ‘click”.


Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven. Operator: ‘Woven? Are you sure?’ Caller: ‘Yes.
That’s what it says on the label; Woven in Scotland ‘.


Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. ‘Why do you do that, mommy?’ he asked. ‘To make myself beautiful,’ said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. ‘What’s the matter?’ asked Little Johnny. ‘Giving up?’


What do you call a Woolworths that has burnt down?

Coals.


If you receive an email from the Department of Health telling you not to eat tinned pork because of swine flu, ignore it …………it’s just spam


Three hicks were working on a telephone tower – Steve, Bruce and Jed. Steve falls off and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, "Someone should go and tell his wife."

Jed says, "OK, I’m pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I’ll do it."

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of beer.

Bruce says, "Where did you get that, Jed?"

"Steve’s wife gave it to me," Jed replies.

"That’s unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?"

"Well, not exactly", Jed says. "When she answered the door, I said to her, ‘You must be Steve’s widow’."

She said, "No, I’m not a widow!"

And I said, "I bet you a case of beer you are."


A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young Mothers and their small children. You all have obsessions,’ he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, ‘You are obsessed with eating. You’ve even named your daughter Candy.’

He turned to the second Mom, Ann: ‘Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child’s name, Penny.’

He turned to the third Mom, Kathy: ‘Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child’s name, Brandy.’

At this point, the fourth mother, Joyce, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, ‘Come on Dick, this guy has no idea what he’s talking about. Lets pick Willy up from school and go home.


‘There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage


One morning a crippled man came into the church on crutches. He stopped in front of the holy water, put some on both legs, and then threw away his crutches.

An alter boy witnessed the scene and then ran into the rectory to tell the priest what he’d just seen.

"Son, you’ve just witnessed a miracle!" the priest said.
"Tell me where is this man now?"

"Flat on his back over by the holy water," the boy informed him.


"At the White House the other night, President Obama and First Lady Michelle Obama hosted a night of poetry and music featuring musicians, authors and poets, to which President Bush said, ‘Now, that’s torture.’" –Jay Leno


Although desperate to find work, I passed up a job I found on an employment website. It was for a wastewater plant operator. Among the job requirements: "Must be able to swim."


A child’s prayer

Dear God, Please send clothes for all those poor ladies in Daddy’s computer…… Amen


"As an adolescent I aspired to lasting fame, I craved factual certainty, and I thirsted for a meaningful vision of human life–so I became a scientist. This is like becoming an archbishop so you can meet girls." –Matt Cartmill


An echidna trained to scuttle from guest to guest makes an unusual mobile cheese, kabana and pineapple cube nibble dispenser at cocktail parties.


Knowledge is power. Power corrupts. Corruption is a crime.
Crime doesn’t pay. So if you keep studying you’ll go broke!


A man was telling his neighbour, ‘I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand pounds, but it’s state of the art. It’s perfect.’ ‘Really,’ answered the neighbour . ‘What kind is it?’ ‘Twelve thirty.’


A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool..
After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, ‘Crushed nuts?’ ‘No,’ he replied, ‘Arthritis.’

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

I love to read those advice columns in the newspaper. I read one this morning. It said, "What’s the worst thing a wife can get on her twenty fifth wedding anniversary?"

"Morning Sickness."


Paddy asks Murphy "Murphy, why do scuba divers fall off their boats backwards?"

Says Murphy " You bloody pillock paddy, if they fell forwards they’d still be in the damn boat"!!!


Two Kiwis, Ian and Craig are walking down a street in Bondi.

Ian happens to look in one of the shop windows and sees a sign that catches his eye.

The sign said ‘Suits $10.00 each, Shirts $4.00 each, Trousers $5.00 per pair’

Ian says to his pal, ‘ Craig, look! We could buy a whole lot of those, and whin we get beck to InZid, we could make a fortune.

Now whin we go unto the shop, you be quiet, okay? Just lit me do all the talking cause uf they hear our accint, they might not be nice to us. I’ll speak in my bist Aussie accint.’

‘No worries, smiled Craig, I’ll keep my mouth shut.’

They go in and Ian says, ‘I’ll take fufty suits et $10.00 each, 100 shirts et $4.00 each, and fufty pairs of trousers et $5.00 each. I’ll beck up my truck and…’

The owner of the shop interrupts, ‘You’re from New Zealand , aren’t you?’

‘Well… Yis,’ says a surprised Ian. ‘How the hill dud you know thet?’

The owner says, ‘This is a dry cleaners’.


Don’t know if this is just a coincidence but….

2007 – Chinese year of the Chicken – Bird Flu Pandemic devastates parts of Asia

2008 – Chinese year of the Horse – Equine Influenza decimates Australian racing

2009 – Chinese year of the Pig – Swine Flu Pandemic kills hundreds of pigs around the globe.

Has any one else noticed this?

It gets worse……..

next year……

2010 – Chinese year of the Co*k – what could possibly go wrong?


Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.

Husband gets up in a rage and says, ‘And you are no good in bed either,’ and storms out of the house.

After some time he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up.

She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, ‘What took you so long to answer to the phone?’

She says, ‘I was in bed.’

‘In bed this early, doing what?’

‘Getting a second opinion!’


If you think nobody cares whether you’re alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.


An economist is someone who can tell you tomorrow why what he predicted yesterday didn’t happen today.

Why is it that a girl with the least principle gets the most interest?


As a staff nurse doing a shift on an orthopedic ward I was looking over the student nurses documentation to counter sign. She has been looking after a man who had knee replacement surgery and an operation on both wrists for carpel tunnel syndrome. Prior to his op the man had difficulty in eating his dinner and cutting up his food.
His mobility was greatly affected and he have severe difficulty in bending his knees.

Students are encouraged to write concise reports rather than big long stories. Her report read as follows.

Mr Brown 6th post op day was able to mobilize to the toilet independently, bend at the knees and eat himself!!!

She did explain later he had managed his lunch without assistance.


The NYPD, the FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. President Obama decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit in a forest and each organisation has a go at catching it.

The FBI goes in first. They place animal informants throughout the forest and question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three weeks of extensive investigations, the FBI concludes that the rabbit does not exist.

The CIA goes in next. After two weeks with no leads they burn down the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit. They make no apologies, stating the rabbit had it coming. The NYPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay!
I’m a rabbit ! I ‘m a rabbit !"


Today, I checked my Facebook, and my wife of five years was listed as single. I then write on her wall that it is okay to announce to be married. She writes back that we have to talk.


An actuary is like an accountant but without the personality.


A little known fact…

The first t**cular guard (Box) was used in cricket in 1874 and the first cricket helmet was used in 1974. It took 100 years for men to realise that the brain is also important !


A neutron walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?" The bartender replies, "There’s no charge."


We were helping customers when the store optometrist walked by and flirted with a co-worker. Of course, we all had to stop what we were doing to tease her. But she quickly dismissed the notion of a budding romance.

"Can you imagine making out with an optometrist?" she asked. "It would always be, ‘Better like this…or like this?’"

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

So many Swine Flu jokes already….

The swine flu pundemic

SYMPTOMS:

Look out for any unusual blemishes or rashers.

Unusual behaviour: doing things you would normally find a complete boar.

Bad temper: things start to easily rind you up.

Overheating: Feeling that you are absolutely bacon hot.

Chills: Feeling like you need to hog the duvet or curl up in front of a crackling fire.

Developing a sty in either or both eyes.

Urgent cravings: for a large glass of swine or stuffing yourself on apples.

Wanting to fight: Shouting things like "Gammon, have a go if you think you’re hard enough".

If any of these symptoms show, then immediately call a hambulance, and go to the hogspital for treatment. Smokers please note it is a non-smoking facility, so you won’t be able to have a snout. This could be a false alarm, in which case you can trotter off home, but if the symptoms return, you may need to go to your local farmacy for some oinkment.

Treatment for Swine Flu: Spend the night in a smoky room and in the morning you will be cured

I woke up this morning thinking I had swine flu I had broken out in rashers! So I rang the swine flu hotline. But all I got was crackling…….

FIFA has banned Mexican Waves to prevent the spread of infection. With Swine Flu spreading fast, I bet Kermit the Frog is panicking. Doctor, Doctor. I’ve just eaten a bacon sandwich, am I going to die? Depends if the bacon was cured or not.

Swine flu has been reported in Israel. Oh the irony!


When life hands you Lemons, ask for Tequila and Salt and call me over!


There are women whose thoughtful husbands buy them flowers for no reason. And then there’s me. One day I couldn’t stand it any longer. "Why don’t you ever bring me flowers?"
I asked.

"What’s the point?" my husband said. "They die after about a week."

"So could you," I shot back, "but I still like having you around."


One day, long, long ago, there lived a woman who did not whine, nag, or b*tch.

But it was a long time ago, and it was just that one day…

The End


ACCOUNTING CONVENTION

The host of the convention says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that Accountants are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?" One Accountant steps up. The host says to him, "What is 15 plus 15?" After 15 or 20 seconds he says "Eighteen."

Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then 80,000 Accountants start cheering, "Give him another chance, give him another chance." The host says, "Well since we have gone to the trouble of getting 80,000 of you here and the world wide press, I guess we can give him another chance."

So he says, "What is 5 plus 5?" After nearly 30 seconds he eventually says, "Ninety?" The host sighs – everyone is crestfallen and the Accountants starts crying and 80,000 accountants start yelling "Give him another chance, give him another chance."

The host, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than damage, eventually says, "Ok! One more chance. What is 2 plus 2?" The accountant closes his eyes and after a whole minute eventually says "Four."

Around the stadium 80,000 accountants start yelling "Give him another chance, give him another chance."


As a potential juror in an assault-and-battery case, I was sitting in a courtroom, answering questions from both sides. The assistant district attorney asked such questions
as: Had I ever been mugged? Did I know the victim or the defendant?

The defense attorney took a different approach, however. "I see you are a teacher," he said. "What do you teach?"

"English and theater," I responded.

"I guess I better watch my grammar," the defense attorney quipped.

"No," I shot back. "You better watch your acting."

When the laughter in the courtroom died down, I was excused from the case.


"Egotism is the anesthetic that dulls the pain of stupidity." –Frank Leahy


"What the world needs is more geniuses with humility, there are so few of us left." –Oscar Levant


A fellow is getting ready to tee-off on the first hole when a second fellow approaches and asks if he can join him. The first says that he usually plays alone but agrees to let the second guy join him.

Both are even after the first couple of holes. The second guy says, "Say, we’re about evenly matched, how about we play for five bucks a hole?"

The first fellow says that he usually plays alone and doesn’t like to bet but agrees to the terms. Well, the second guy wins the rest of the holes and as they’re walking off of the eighteenth hole, and while counting his $80.00, he confesses that he’s the pro at a neighboring course and likes to pick on suckers.

The first fellow reveals that he’s the Parish Priest at the local Catholic Church to which the second fellow gets all flustered and apologetic and offers to give the Priest back his money. The Priest says, "No, no. You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."

The pro says, "Well, is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"

The Priest says, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation. Then, if you bring your mother and father by after Mass, I’ll marry them for you."