The Fabulous Friday Funnie

True story

I was teaching my class a Christmas song when all their eyes suddenly looked under the table behind me. I couldn’t believe I was looking at two identical lizards about 30cm ( 1 foot) long. One appeared to be doing push-ups and the other was walking in circles.
"Look, they’re dancing to the music!" one boy yelled. Everyone laughed.

I chased the lizards out carefully with a book and attempted to continue my lesson but noticed that one little boy seemed really upset.
"Now they have to find somewhere else to finish their date," he wailed. Continue reading The Fabulous Friday Funnie

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

On the last day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher.

The florist’s son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers.

The candy-store owner’s daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy.

Then the liquor-store owner’s son brought up a big, heavy box.

The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit.

Continue reading The Fabulous Friday Funnies

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

"Miami was voted the worst road rage city. You have 20-year- olds doing 95, and 95-year-olds doing 20, that’s why."
-Craig Ferguson


The first time I met my wife, she was an intense aerobics instructor at my health club and I was an out-of-shape new member. After one grueling workout, I gasped, "This is really helping me get toned." She looked me up and down. Feeling self-conscious, I added, "Big men run in my family." Continue reading The Fabulous Friday Funnies

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

Thought I would share this story from a class at a Secondary College.

The Science Teacher brought the school goldfish back to the science room after the holidays. He told his Year 11 Biology Class that the fish “Amnesia” and “Dementia” were quite unhappy in the small aquarium in his shed during the holidays and were glad to be back in their larger tank in the science room. One student quickly replied “They obviously prefer swimming around in schools”. Continue reading The Fabulous Friday Funnies

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

Blond on a cruise ship

DEAR DIARY: DAY 1 All packed for the cruise ship – all my best dresses and make-up… Really excited.

DEAR DIARY: DAY 2 Entire day at sea, beautiful and saw whales and dolphins. Met the Captain today – seems a very nice man.

DEAR DIARY: DAY 3 At the pool today. Also some shuffle boarding and hit golf balls off the deck. Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. Felt honored and had a wonderful time. He is very attractive and attentive.

DEAR DIARY: DAY 4 Won $800.00 in the ship’s casino. Captain asked me to have dinner with him in his own cabin. Had a luxurious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night but I declined. Told him I could not be unfaithful to my husband.

DEAR DIARY: DAY 5 Pool again today, got sun burnt, and went inside to drink at piano bar for rest of day. Captain saw me, bought me several large drinks. He really is charming.
Again asked me to visit his cabin for the night. Again I declined. He told me if I did not let him have his way with me he would sink the ship. I was shocked.

DEAR DIARY: DAY 6 Today I saved 2,600 lives. Twice.


I teach Kindergarten and my class went to music last week.
The teacher stood up and hurt her back. One of the kids in my class said "my mum can fix your back". She asked how come. He said "She’s a Chirocractor". So cute.


Ethyl was talking to her hair stylist. "It’s silly," she said, "but my daughter has some sort of crazy idea about losing her hair."

"What do you mean?" the beautician asked.

"Well, I overheard her on the phone the other day telling her best friend that she hoped she’d be balled soon."


A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, ‘I don’t like the looks of your wife at all.’

‘Me neither doc,’ said the husband. ‘But she’s a great cook and really good with the kids.’


Two guys were discussing popular family trends on marriage and family values. Bill said, ‘I didn’t sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?’ Larry replied, ‘I’m not sure, what was her maiden name?’


After being married for 48 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, ‘Honey, 48 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 24-year-old gal. Now I have a $900,000.00 home, two cars, nice big bed and flat screen TV, but I’m sleeping with a 71-year-old woman. It seems to me that you’re not holding up your side of things.’

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 24-year-old gal, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

Aren’t older women great? They really know how to solve a mid-life crisis…


"I think I mentioned to Bob [Geldof] I could make love for eight hours. What I didn’t say was that this included four hours of begging and then dinner and a movie." –Sting


"Egotism is the anesthetic that dulls the pain of stupidity." –Frank Leahy


"What the world needs is more geniuses with humility, there are so few of us left." –Oscar Levy


"It is only possible to live happily ever after on a day-to- day basis." –Margaret Bonnano


Two old men meet while tottering around the park on their morning constitutional.

"Irving, how are you?" asks one, patting his friend on the arm.

"Terrible, terrible," mutters Irving. "My memory’s going.
For instance, I can’t remember whether it was you or your brother who died."


After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn’t in quite some time. It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back.

He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down over her brea-ts, stopping just over her lower stomach. He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg.
He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and started to watch the tv.

As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, ‘That was wonderful. Why did you stop?’

 

He said, ‘I found the remote’.


An Irish woman goes to her solicitor to ask about getting a divorce.

The solicitor asks, "Does he beat you?"

"No, sorr."

"Does he keep you short of money?"

"No, sorr."

"Is he a perpetual drunkard?"

"No, sorr."

"Is he unfaithful to you?"

"Ah, we’ve got him there, sorr. He was not the father of me last child."


A secretary, out with appendicitis, was being visited by a co-worker in the hospital.

"How are things at the office going, Claudia?" she asked.

"Well, they’re all sharing your work. Jody is making the coffee, Louise is reading all your magazines, and Cathy is making it with the boss."


Q: Why was the amoeba prison so small?
A: Because it only had one cell.

Q: How is a cat drinking milk like a track star?
A: They both enjoy taking a few laps.

Q: What do you call a man with a car on his head?
A: Jack.

Q: What do you call a butler with no teeth?
A: An in-dentured servant.

Q.What’s the difference between snowmen and snowwomen?
A.Snowballs

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

These two girlfriends are very close, allowing them to be totally honest with each other.

As one fidgeted in front of the mirror one evening before a date, she remarked, "I’m fat."

"No, you’re not," the other scolded.

"My hair is awful."

"It looks just fine."

"I’ve never looked worse," she whined.

"Yes, you have," her friend replied.


3 on Grandparents

My grandson was visiting one day when he said "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo and I said, "No, how are we alike?” "You’re both old," he replied.

 

A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived. "Oh," he said, "she lives at the airport, and when we want her, we just go get her. Then, when we’re done having her visit, we take her back to the airport."

 

Grandpa is the smartest man on earth! He teaches me good things, but I don’t get to see him enough to get as smart as him!


A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing.

The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, "Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing? "The farmer replies, "I’m trying to win a Nobel Prize. "How?" asks the man, puzzled.

"Well, I heard they give the Nobel Prize . . .. to people who are out standing in their field."


Guy goes into the doctor’s. ‘Doc, I’ve got a cricket ball stuck up my backside.’ ‘How’s that ?’ ‘Don’t you start.’*


What’s the difference a bad golfer and a bad skydiver? One goes "Thwack! …Darn" ……………..

while the other goes "Darn! …Thwack."


Paddy, the electrician, got sacked from the U.S. prison service for not servicing the electric chair. He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap!


Some true ‘nurse’ events

Nurse Meg, noticed in friend’s property a man working in a large digger doing a very spectacular excavation job, while smoking a cigarette. So asked the digger "are you digging your own grave?" … with a few choice comments on smoking cessation!

The staff at the local After Hours Medical Centre were wearing dancing piggy stickers attached to their name
badges- great for camaraderie during the Swine Flu epidemic, and put a few smiles on the patients faces.


A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor’s office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me." The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, "You’re not really a redhead, are you?
"Well, no" she said, "I’m actually a blonde.." "I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."


A chicken crossed the road and met James Bond, ‘What’s your name?’ asked the chicken.

‘Bond, James Bond. What’s yours?’

‘Ken, Chick Ken.’


We have a teacher at our school who is a genius at fixing computers. When a student complains that their computer isn’t working, he just says "That’s okay, you can use the encyclopedias instead". Instantly the kid has no problems.


A very loud Texan Engineer was visiting Australia, and talking big about all of the large civil works in the USA that he was involved in. To be polite his Australian counterpart took him on a tour of some of Sydney’s larger constructions.

First he took him to Gladesville Bridge. The Texan exclaimed, "What’s that!" In reply the Australian said, "Thats the Gladesville Bridge". "Hmmph" said the Texan, "How long and how many men did it take to build?" The Australian replied, "About 5 years with 1000 men." The Texan replied, "Well in Texas we would’ve done it in 2 years with 500 men." Next they went to the Sydney Opera House. "What’s that" said the Texan. "That’s the Sydney Opera House" was the reply.

"Hmmph" said the Texan, "How long and how many men did it take to build?" The Australian replied, "About 10 years with 200 men". The Texan replied "Well in Texas we would’ve done it in 4 years with 200 men."

By this stage the Australian was a little put out by the Texan’s attitude so he decided to get some revenge, they walked around the Sydney Opera House and as they did the Sydney Harbor Bridge came into view.

Immediately the Texan exclaimed, "Wow! What’s that?" The Australian Engineer replied, "I don’t know, it wasn’t there yesterday."

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

A primary school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past.
Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children fell to debating the dog’s duties. “They use him to keep crowds back,” said one youngster. “No,”
said another, “he’s just for good luck.” A third child brought the argument to a close. “They use the dogs,” she said firmly, “to find the fire hydrant.”


"Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away"


Two guys are in a bar talking.

"I fought over a girl last night."

"Oh, yeah? With whom?"

"With my wife."


Marvin found the following ransom note slipped under his front door. "Bring $50,000 to the 17th hole of your country club tomorrow at 10:00 AM if you ever want to see your wife alive again."

But it was well after 1:00 PM by the time he arrived at the designated meeting spot. A masked man stepped from behind a bush and demanded, "You’re three hours late. What took you so long?"

"Give me a break!" said Marvin, pointing to his scorecard.
"I’m a 27 handicap."


What is the difference between Bird ‘flu and Swine ‘flu?
For bird ‘flu you need tweetment and for swine ‘flu you need oinkment.


Some Harry Potter riddles

Q: What do you call a boy wizard with a really bad case of the runs?
A: Harry Plopper.

Q: What do you call a boy wizard who is really good at absorbing ink?
A: Harry Blotter.

Q: What is the name of the author who has made billions and billions and billions of dollars out of Harry Potter?
A: J.K. Rowling-In-It.

Q: What do you call a film about a boy wizard who is deeply unhappy with the level of service he has received from a one-hour photo lab?
A: Harry Potter and the Half-Dark Prints.

Q: What do you call a boy wizard who is planning the overthrow of the government?
A: Harry Plotter.

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Harry Potter.
Harry Potter who?
(pause) What, are you kidding?

Q: Why is Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry the cleanest campus in the world?
A: Everybody has a broom.


"People are going on dates now to coffee bars. This is the worst idea. Four cappuccinos later, your date doesn’t look any better." –Margot Black


So what have we learned in 2,063 years?

"The budget should be balanced, the Treasury should be refilled, public debt should be reduced, the arrogance of officialdom should be tempered and controlled, and the assistance to foreign lands should be curtailed lest Rome become bankrupt. People must again learn to work, instead of living on public assistance." – Cicero – 55 BC

Evidently nothing…


Two guys are at the bar staring into their drinks, when one says, "Hey Harry, have you ever suspected your wife of leading a double life?"

Harry says, "Yeah, all the time–her own and mine."


I called the local newspaper’s classified section to complain about an ad I’d placed.

It was obvious the person who took my information had never spent any time on a farm.

"I said ‘ewes,’" I argued.

"Pardon?" replied the operator.

"Ewes. It makes a difference to some people."

The ad that was placed read: "Sheep for sale – USED."


Thanks very much for the ongoing humour. I take them to read to my 82 year old mother in the nursing home to cheer her up. She has been a source of a few stories in the past and I have now one more to add.

My mother was having a dream and was yelling out loud "
mother where are you" The women in the next bed to her in the nursing home answered in her sleep " I am here"

The nurse came in hearing voices and asked what’s the matter? Where’s my mother she asked, I just heard her call out to me?


A father and son went fishing one day. After a couple hours in the boat, the boy suddenly became curious about the world around him.

He asked his father, "How does this boat float?"

The father thought for a moment, then replied, "Don’t rightly know, son."

The boy returned to his contemplation, then turned back to his father, "How do fish breathe underwater?"

Once again the father replied, "Don’t rightly know, son."

A little later the boy asked his father, "Why is the sky blue?"

Again, the father replied. "Don’t rightly know, son."

Worried he was going to annoy his father, he says, "Dad, do you mind my asking you all of these questions?"

"Of course not, son. If you don’t ask questions, you’ll never learn anything!"

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. ‘Please allow me to help. I’m a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you’d allow me, she told him. ‘Oh, no, I’ll be all right. I’ll be fine in a few minutes,’ the man replied.

He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.

She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.

She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, ‘How does that feel’? He replied: It feels great, but I still think my thumb’s broken!


"Today marks 100 days for Barack Obama. President Obama has accomplished a lot. If you compare the last two presidents, President Bush spent his first 100 days in the Oval Office looking for the corner." -David Letterman


Tony was attending his 4wd club’s monthly meeting and had just told them he couldn’t make the upcoming Innamincka little place way outback (a) trip because his missus wouldn’t let him go.

After copping the under the thumb remarks and other derisive remarks Tony left to go back home to the missus.

When Tony’s mates started arriving to set up camp at Innamincka common the following week who should be there but Tony sitting up in front of the Cruiser , swag rolled out , fishing rod in hand, camp oven roast stewing away in a hot bed of Coolabah coals.

"How did ya talk ya missus into letting you go Tony ?"

"I didn’t have to", was Tony’s reply.

"When I left the meeting I went home and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows. Then the missus snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said, " Surprise ".

When I peeled her hands back she was standing there in a beautiful see through negligee and she said , ‘ Carry me into the bedroom and tie me to the bed and you can do what ever you want .’

SO HERE I AM !


A young son asked, "Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad replied, "That happens in every country, son."


If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say — talk in your sleep.


At a cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren’t you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" "Yes, I am.
I married the wrong man."


The visiting Texan farmer, trying to outdo his Australian host made the remark, "you know what? If I get on my tractor at my homestead at 6 o’clock in the morning, drive to the other side of my ranch and back to the homestead, I wouldn’t get back until 10 o’clock that night! What do you think of that?"

To which the Australian replies, "yeah, I had a tractor like that once."


On a train from London to Manchester, an American tourist was berating the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment.

"You English are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. You think your stiff upper lips make your above the rest of us. Look at me … I have Italian blood, French blood, a little Indian blood and some Swedish blood. What do you say to that?"

The Englishman replied, "Very sporting of your mother."


One doctor asked a patient: "If I were to cut one of your ear off, what will happen to you?"

Patient: "Then I will not be able to hear…"

Doctor: "Hmm.. that’s normal… So if I were to cut your other ear off, what will happen to you?"

Patient: "Then I will not be able to see…" The doctor became nervous and asked: "Why would you not see then???"

Patient: "Because my spectacles will drop off."


As a child my mother would always tell me not to sit so close to the TV, that it was bad for my eyes. Now, as an adult I spend 8+ hours a day within 2 feet of a computer screen.


A young couple were kissing passionately when, suddenly, the young man pulled back, smiled and said, "Honey, I have your gum."

She looked puzzled as she said, "But I wasn’t chewing gum."
Then the light dawned as she said, "But I have a cold."


A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.
"Human beings are the only animals that stutter," she says.
A little girl raises her hand.. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered." The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

"Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard"!!

"That must’ve been scary," said the teacher.

"It sure was," said the little girl. "My kitty raised her back, went Sssss, Sssss, Sssss but before she could say "Shit", the Rottweiler ate her!!!! The teacher had to leave the room….


A man walks into a Chinese restaurant and is told by the maitre’d that there will be at least a twenty minute wait, would he like to wait in the bar. So he goes and has a seat at the bar.

The bartender walks up and says with a heavy accent, "What you rike dlink?"

The man replies, "Give me a Stoli with a twist."

The bartender squints at him for a few seconds, then smiles and says, "Once upon time were FOUR rittle pigs…"


According to a news story, if global warming continues, in 20 years the only chance we’ll have to see a polar bear is in a zoo. So in other words, nothing is going to change. — Arthur Carlson

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

As a veterinarian, I was called at home in the middle of the night by a woman in distress. She had swallowed her dog’s heart worm pill by mistake. I knew it wouldn’t harm her, but by law, I’m forbidden to give medical advice. “If your dog had swallowed your pill, then you’d call me,” I explained. “In this case, you really should consult with your own physician.”

“But it’s one in the morning!” she exclaimed. “I can’t wake my doctor.”


“An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex.” –Edgar Wallace


Joke of the year.
Two women were sitting together, quietly.


One evening, two girlfriends and I went to a nightclub, only to find the place packed with young people. At 40, we felt old, but before we could make a dignified exit, a tall, handsome man approached us.

“Perhaps we were being a little hasty in leaving,” I thought.

Then with a big smile, the man extended his hand to one of my friends and said, “Hello. Remember me? You were my third grade teacher.”


A woman and a baby were in the doctor’s examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby’s first exam.

The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

‘Breast-fed,’ she replied. ‘Well, strip down to your waist,’ the doctor ordered. She did. He pinched her nip p les, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both Br easts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, ‘No wonder this baby is underweight.

You don’t have any milk.’

I know,’ she said, ‘I’m his Grandma, but I’m glad I came


A man goes into a cocktail lounge and approaches Maxine sitting by herself : Man: ‘May I buy you a cocktail?”

Maxine: ‘No thank you, alcohol is bad for my legs.’ Man: ‘Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?’ Maxine: ‘No, they spread.’


“You moon the wrong person at an office party and suddenly you’re not ‘professional’ any more.” –Jeff Foxworthy


An adorable little girl walked into my pet shop and asked, “Excuse me, do you have any rabbits here?”

“I do,” I answered, and leaning down to her eye level I asked, “Did you want a white rabbit or would you rather have a soft, fuzzy black rabbit?”

She shrugged. “I don’t think my python really cares.”


I was supposed to go out with this guy on Friday night. On Friday afternoon he called and said that he didn’t think it was a good idea, because he just wanted to be friends. So I hung up and called him back. He was like, “Hello?”

I said, “Hey, buddy, it’s me. Want to hear what this jerk just did?”


Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing. One lady turns and asks, “Do you still get horny?”

The other replies, “Oh sure I do.”

The first old lady asks, “What do you do about it?”

The second old lady replies, “I suck a lifesaver.”

After a few moments, the first old lady asks, “Who drives you to the beach?”


“I have good news and bad news,” the defense attorney told his client. “First the bad news. The blood test came back, and your DNA is an exact match with that found at the crime scene.”

“Oh, no!” cried the client. “What’s the good news?”

“Your cholesterol is only 140.”


A woman said to her friend, “I don’t know what to do. My husband is such a mess maker that you can’t imagine. He doesn’t put anything in its place, I am always going around the house organizing things.”

The friend says, “Take a tip from me. The first week after we were married I told my husband firmly, ‘Every glass and plate that you take, wash when you are done and put back in its place.'”

The first woman asked, “Did it help?”

Her friend said, “I don’t know. I haven’t seen him since.”


Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House in DC: One is from New York, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Florida All three go with a White House official to examine the fence.

The Florida contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. “Well,” he says, “I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me.”

The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, “I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me.”

The New York contractor doesn’t measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, “$2,700.”

The official, incredulous, says, “You didn’t even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?”

The New York contractor whispers back, “$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence.”

“Done!” replies the government official. And that, my friends, is how government contracting works!


3 pieces of string were walking along the street and decided to sit in a beer garden and have a few beers. String #1 walks in and orders 3 beers but the barman told him in no uncertain terms that they do not serve pieces of string.

Disappointed he goes out to tell his mates that they have to move on. String #2 says that he’ll try reasoning with the barman and will be back in a jiffy with the beers. But alas, he too came back empty handed. “You’re right – he simply won’t serve pieces of string here”.

String #3 is dying for a beer and stands up, twists himself into a big knot, messes up his hair and goes in and demands 3 beers. The barman eyes him suspiciously and asks “Are you a piece of string?”

To which the reply came “I’m a-fraid-not”