A bear walks into a bar and says "Bartender, give me a gin…………………………………….and tonic.
Bartender says, sure buddy but whats up with the long pause?
The bear looks at his hands and say I dunno, my dad had them too.
Did you hear about the look-a-like competition in China ?
Everybody won.
I didn’t know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued.. At last, she headed for the door, saying, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these, yourself!"
A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, "Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep h er cool.. "That’s interesting,"
she said, "how do you make babies?" "It’s simple," replied the girl. "You just change ‘y’ to ‘i’ and add ‘es’."
Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of petrol. As luck would have it, a Shell Petrol station was just a block away.
She walked to the station to borrow a can and buy some petrol. The attendant told her that the only can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned. Since Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car.
She looked for something in her car that she could fill with petrol and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with petrol, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.
As she was pouring the petrol into her tank, two Baptists watched from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said,
‘If it starts, I’m turning Catholic.’
My musical director wasn’t happy with the performance of one of our percussionists. Repeated attempts to get the drummer to improve failed. Finally, in front of the orchestra, the director said in frustration, "When a musician just can’t handle his instrument, they take it away, give him two sticks and make him a drummer!"
A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section: "And if he can’t handle that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor."
"I have to talk to my girlfriend every day on the phone.
My husband says, ‘Why do you have to talk to her again today? You just talked to her yesterday. What could you possibly have to tell her?’
‘Well, for one thing, I have to tell her you just said that.’" –Rita Rudner
True story
A few days after visiting a pet store, my son (6 yrs) said to his mother. "I would really love to get one of those Siberian husky dogs mummy". To try and put him off the idea, his mother said "We already have two dogs and Siberian huskies need walking twice a day". My son’s reply "Gee, that will keep you busy mummy".
A real corny one from a nine year old
Q. Why did the toilet roll roll down the hill?
A. He wanted to reach the bottom!
This is bad, but reading some of the puns in this week’s edition has encouraged me to send this …
Did you hear about the concreter who gave up his job because he found the work too hard?
True story
I had to go with my 62 yr old mum to Prince Charles Hospital emergency department here in Brisbane– she had a minor set of symptoms but the ambos said she should go in for a check.
Mum was a bit disoriented, and this loosened up her sense of humor. While waiting in a cubicle for nearly two hours for a doctor to see her, we were watching the passing parade, which happened to include a very nice looking young male doctor. He was probably a few years older than Doogie Howser. I made several comments like “ He’s a cute looking young doctor” and “have a look when he comes by again” when my silver-haired, usually conservative, mother leans forward and says : ”tell him if he comes over here he can look at acute angina”.
Needless to say, I couldn’t breathe properly for nearly ten minutes due to the hysterical laughter this comment caused.
My mother was no better – convulsed on the examination table with tears of laughter rolling down her face. At one point I had to grab a tissue from my handbag and pretend that I was crying and coughing as I thought the duty nurses were going to come in to see what the hell was going on.
I thought I was going to need to see the doctor.
My sister gets to take her next time.
The Pope and Tiger Woods die on the same day and because of an administrative mix up the Pope went to Hell and Tiger Woods went to Heaven. The Pope explains the situation to the administrative clerk in Hell, and after checking the paperwork admits that there is an error. "However", the clerk explains, "it would be 24 hours before it can be rectified".
Next day the Pope is called and Hell’s staff bids him farewell.
On the way up, the Pope meets Tiger Woods coming down from Heaven and they stop to have a chat. "Sorry about the mix up", apologizes the Pope. "No problem" replied Tiger Woods.
Pope: "I am really anxious to get to Heaven"
Tiger: "Why is that?"
Pope: "All my life I have wanted to meet the V*rgin Mary"
Tiger: "You’re a day late."
"A list has been published of the foods that are most likely to expose you to infectious disease, and surprisingly all of them are healthy foods like leafy greens and fresh fruits. In other words, America is gonna be just fine." -Conan O’Brien
"Yesterday was Groundhog Day. In fact, when the groundhog came out of his hole, he didn’t even look for his shadow, he just said he was walking away from his mortgage." -Jay Leno
10 reasons we know Santa is a man
One of our beloved residents in our aged care facility was sitting in the activities room and a staff member asked her where she would like to go to (being wheelchair bound) – ‘heaven please’ was the response with a smile.
True story
At a recent family function, my uncle sat down to join the group in the lounge room. With all the chairs taken and people already sitting on the floor, my uncle sat against the TV cabinet. As he leant on it, he said "Ow, there’s a knob digging into my back", referring to the door knob on the cabinet. I replied with, "Now you know why women don’t considered that as fore play."
Out of office auto-responses
"I am currently out of the office at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Please be prepared for my mood."
"You are receiving this automatic notification, because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn’t have received anything at all."
"Sorry to have missed you, but I’m at the doctor’s having my brain and heart removed so I can be promoted to our management team."
"I will be unable to delete all the emails you send me until I return from vacation. Please be patient, and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received."
"Hi, I’m thinking about what you’ve just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response."
"I’ve run away to join a different circus."
One evening, in a busy lounge in the deep south, a reindeer walked in the door, bellied up to the bar and ordered a martini. Without batting an eye, the bartender mixed and poured the drink, set it in front of the reindeer, and accepted the twenty-dollar bill from the reindeer’s hoof.
Snowman As he handed the reindeer some coins in change, he said, "You know, I think you’re the first reindeer I’ve ever seen in here."
The reindeer looked hard at the hoofful of change and said, "Hmmmpf. Let me tell you something, buddy. At these prices, I’m the last reindeer you’ll see in here."
"There’s a new product called ‘Texthook’ that lets parents strap phones to strollers so they can text while pushing their children. The most common text message is, ‘OMG, just crashed my baby into another baby!’" -Jimmy Fallon
My aunt’s young family with two boys ages 3 and 4, had attended church one spring morning.
As they left the church the pastor said, "Well, look at you boys, all bright eyed & bushy tailed!"
Joe the older boy loudly announced, "We don’t got tails; we’ve got Dinkys!"
My aunt was mortified.
An oldie but a goodie
A husband and wife go to a counsellor after 15 years of marriage. The counsellor asks them what the problem is and the wife goes into a tirade, listing every problem they have ever had in the 15 years they’ve been married. She goes on and on and on.
Finally, the counsellor gets up, goes around the desk, embraces the woman, and kisses her passionately. The woman shuts up and sits quietly in a daze.
The counsellor turns to the husband and says "That is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do that?"
The husband says, "I can bring her in on Monday and Wednesday, but on Friday I’m fishing."
As a potential juror in an assault-and-battery case, I was sitting in a courtroom, answering questions from both sides. The assistant district attorney asked such questions
as: Had I ever been mugged? Did I know the victim or the defendant?
The defense attorney took a different approach, however. "I see you are a teacher," he said. "What do you teach?"
"English and theater," I responded.
"I guess I better watch my grammar," the defense attorney quipped.
"No," I shot back. "You better watch your acting."
When the laughter in the courtroom died down, I was excused from the case.
"Over the weekend Paris Hilton was arrested for driving under the influence. She’s still a celebrity and you can tell she’s spoiled. For example in the holding room she got one call and she called room service." –Jay Leno
Rules are the means of a girl’s assessing which man she likes well enough to break them for.
"Mommy, Mommy!" said a little boy after coming from playing. "I just saw a man making a horse!"
"Are you sure?" asked his mother.
"Yes," he replied. "He had a horse nearly finished. When I saw him, he was just nailing on his feet."
A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?" "Sixteen," the boy responded. His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly. "How do you know that?"
"Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, like the Bishop said, 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer." = 16.
A blonde decided to redecorate her bedroom. She wasn’t sure how many rolls of wallpaper she would need, but she knew that her friend blonde friend from next door had recently done the same job and the two rooms were identical in size.
"Buffy," she said, "how many rolls of wallpaper did you buy for your bedroom?"
"Ten," said Buffy.
So the blonde bought the ten rolls of paper and did the job, but she had 2 rolls leftover.
"Buffy," she said. "I bought ten rolls of wallpaper for the bedroom, but I’ve got 2 leftover!"
"Yes," said Buffy. "So did I."
The last word on Tiger
"Sources say Tiger has confessed all of his affairs to his wife who has agreed to stay with him if he takes some time off from golf. Tiger said, ‘That’s OK — golf was starting to cut into my time with the ladies.’" -Conan O’Brien
An elderly gentleman…. had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, ‘Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.’
The gentleman replied, ‘Oh, I haven’t told my family yet..
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I’ve changed my will three times!’
Maybe Tiger should change his name to Cheetah?
My infant son and I sat in front of the TV, hostages to my husband’s channel-surfing. He eventually settled on an R-rated movie in which the actress was soon topless.
"Honey, change the channel," I said, shielding my son’s eyes. "He shouldn’t see this."
"It’s okay," my husband replied. "He probably thinks it’s the Food Network."
This happened to me last week. On playground duty I noticed two Year 5 boys who seemed to be fighting or wrestling so I made my way over to them. I noticed that the first of the boys was one with a reputation for losing his cool and lashing out.
Just as I got within range to call out to them, they gave each other a hug. Still not 100% sure if everything was “kosher” I called them over with a light hearted “Come over here cuddly boys”. When they came over I asked them “Now boys, why do you think I called you over here?” The second boy piped up “For acting gay?”
With much difficulty I managed to not laugh and gave them a brief talk about saving the wrestling for outside of school. I quickly sent them on their way so I could burst out with laughter.
I wondered if I could get my husband to address Christmas cards, as I had so much to do. I arranged everything we needed, then hopefully pulled up a chair and said, "Come on, Dear, let’s get these out of the way."
He glanced at the array on the table, turned away and went into the den, only to return moments later with a high stack of cards, stamped, sealed, and addressed.
"They’re last year’s," he said. "I forgot to mail them. Now let’s go out to dinner and relax. You’ve been working too hard."
The symphony musicians had little confidence in the person brought in to be their new conductor. Their fears were realized at the very first rehearsal. The cymbalist, realizing that the conductor did not know what he was doing, angrily clashed his instruments together during a delicate, soft passage. The music stopped. The conductor, highly agitated, looked angrily around the orchestra, demanding, "Who did that? Who did that?"
Sixteen reasons why airplanes are easier to live with than women
"Golden Globe nominations are out today. Third year in a row, Pamela Anderson was nominated for ‘Best Golden Globes.’" -David Letterman
When it comes to wine I’m very particular about what I buy.
There are two things I look for before making my selection.
First, the word "Wine" must appear somewhere on the label.
This is something I insist on.
Second, I look for a sign nearby that says "On Sale."
Follow these two rules and you won’t go far wrong.
A man and his wife are watching a pay-per-view boxing match on TV. After a first round knock-out the husband sighs and says, "What a rip off! It was all over in three minutes!"
The wife replies, "Now you know how I feel."
"Oh, look, yet another Christmas TV special! How touching to have the meaning of Christmas brought to us by cola, fast food, and beer. Who’d have ever guessed that product
con- sumption, popular entertainment, and spirituality would mix so harmoniously?" -Calvin & Hobbes
I went to my friend’s house recently and noticed that his Christmas tree was bare except for a shotgun shell near the top.
I asked, "What’s the deal, no decorations?"
Puzzled, he looked at me and said, "What do you mean? It’s a cartridge in a bare tree."
"A good listener is usually thinking about something else." — Kin Hubbard
My sources are unreliable, but their information is fascinating. — Ashleigh Brilliant
Ever wondered?
"Crouching Tiger, hidden hydrant"
What’s the difference between a car and a golf ball? Tiger can drive a ball 400 yards.
What does Tiger Woods have in common with baby seals? They both get clubbed by Norwegians.
That’s the first time Tiger Woods has failed to drive 300 yards
Tiger Woods crashed into a fire hydrant and a tree…he couldn’t decide between a wood and an iron. Perhaps Tiger should have used a driver
I find it’s a nightmare driving at 2.05am: sometimes you can’t see the Woods for the trees.
Tiger’s wife went for him over a birdie.
Tiger Woods is so rich that he owns lots of expensive cars.
Now he has a hole in one.
What were Tiger Woods and his wife doing out at 2.30 in the morning? They went clubbing.
I was asked to participate in a video for work, so I brought in a couple of outfits and played thespian for a day. At the end of the shoot, the receptionist eyed me suspiciously as I walked around in outfit number two. "Have you changed clothes?" she asked. "Or did I forget to go home?"
A snail was slithering along the street one day when he was attacked by two turtles. Later, the cops asked, "Did you get a good look at the turtles who did this to you?"
"No, it all happened so fast."
The game show contest ant was only 200 points behind the leader and was about to answer the final question — worth 500 points!
"To be today’s champion," the show’s smiling host intoned, "name two of Santa’s reindeer."
The contestant, a man in his early thirties, gave a sigh of relief, gratified that he had drawn such an easy question.
"Rudolph!" he said confidently, "and … Olive!"
The studio audience started to applaud (which the little sign above their heads said to do), but the clapping quickly faded into mumbling. The confused host replied, "Yes, we’ll accept Rudolph, but could you please explain ‘Olive’?"
"You know," the man circled his hand forward impatiently and began to sing,
"Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. And if you ever saw it, you would even say it glows. *Olive,* the other reindeer…
Dear Grim Reaper,
So far this year you have taken away my favourite dancer Michael Jackson, my favourite actor Patrick Swayze, my favourite singer Stephen Gately and my favourite actress Farah Fawcett.
Just so you know, my favourite politician is Kevin Rudd.
"This is little strange. A couple in England named their new daughter Kia because she was delivered in the back seat of a Kia. No one was happier than her older brother — Hospital Bed." -Jimmy Fallon
"Anyone with needs to be prayed over, come forward, to the front at the altar," the Preacher says.
Leroy gets in line, and when it’s his turn, the preacher
asks: "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you."
Leroy replies: "Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing." The preacher puts one finger in Leroy’s ear, and he places the other hand on top of Leroy’s head and prays and prays and prays, and prays for Leroy.
After a few minutes, the Preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks,"Leroy, how is your hearing now?"
Leroy says, "I don’t know, Reverend, it ain’t til next Wednesday!"
One for golfers
One fine day, Jim and Bob are out golfing. Jim slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine. He grabs his 8-iron and proceeds down the embankment into the ravine in search of his ball.
The brush is quite thick, but Jim searches diligently and suddenly he spots something shiny. As he gets closer, he realises that the shiny object is in fact an 8-iron in the hands of a skeleton lying near an old golf ball.
Jim calls out to his golfing partner in excitement, "Hey Bob, come here, I got trouble down here."
Bob comes running over to the edge of the ravine and calls out, "What’s the matter Jim?"
Jim shouts back in a nervous voice, "Throw me my 7-iron!
You can’t get out of here with an 8-iron."
I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and think, "Well, that’s not going to happen."
According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a woman is their eyes. And women say the first thing they notice about men is they’re a bunch of liars.
CHRISTMAS PARTY
FROM: Pauline, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 21st October 2009
RE: Christmas Party
I’m happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We’ll have a small band playing traditional carols…please feel free to sing along. And don’t be surprised if the MD shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1.00p.m.
Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $20.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone’s pockets. This gathering is only for employees! The MD will make a special announcement at the Party.
Merry Christmas to you and your Family.
Pauline
——————————————-
FROM: Pauline, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 22nd October 2009
RE: Holiday Party
In no way was yesterday’s memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we’re calling it our ‘Holiday Party’. The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians.
There will be no Christmas tree or Christmas carols sung.
We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.
Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family.
Pauline.
——————————————-
FROM; Pauline, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 23rd October 2009
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table…you didn’t sign your name. I’m happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, ‘AA Only’, you wouldn’t be anonymous anymore!!!! How am I supposed to handle this?
Somebody? Forget about the gift exchange, no gift exchange allowed now since the Union Officials feel that $20.00 is too much money and Management believe $20.00 is a little cheap. NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
Pauline.
——————————————-
FROM: Pauline, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 24th October 2009
RE: Holiday Party
What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees’
beliefs, perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party – or else package everything up for you to take home in a little foil doggy bag. Will that work? Meanwhile, I’ve arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the toilets, Gays are allowed to sit with each other, L*sbians do not have to sit with gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangements for the gay men’s table too. To the person asking permission to cross dress – no cross dressing allowed. We will have booster seats for short people. Low fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food we suggest those people with high blood pressure taste the food first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics; the restaurant cannot supply ‘No Sugar’
desserts. Sorry! Did I miss anything?!?!
Pauline.
——————————————-
FROM: Pauline, Human Resources Director
TO: All Fuckng Employees
DATE: 25th October 2009
RE: The Fucking Holiday Party.
Vegetarians… I’ve had it with you people !!! We’re going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the ‘grill of death’, as you so quaintly put it, you’ll get your fucking salad bar, including organic tomatoes, But you know tomatoes have feelings too, They scream when you slice them. I’ve heard them scream. I’m hearing the scream right NOW !! I hope you all have a rotten holiday, drink drive and die.
The Witch from HELL!!!
——————————————-
FROM: John Benson.( Acting Human Resources Director )
TO: All Employees
DATE: 26th October 2009
RE: Pauline Lewis and Holiday Party
I’m sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pauline a speedy recovery, and I’ll continue to forward your cards to her.
In the meantime, the Management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and instead, give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd December off with full pay.
John Benson.
Welcome to the personal website of Adrian Hodge. I'm a web designer/developer living in Rotorua, New Zealand. Married with two lovely kids, I have a love of motorcycles and gadgets. I work for Destination Rotorua Tourism Marketing during the day and run Hodgeman Web & Design after hours.
