The Fabulous Friday Funnies

"A new study found that eating healthy adds $380 to your grocery bill every year. Or as Americans put it, ‘Cool, I saved $380 this year!’" -Jimmy Fallon


It’s just dawned on me….

My dog sleeps about 20 hours a day.

He has his food prepared for him. He can eat whenever he wants.

His meals are provided at no cost to him.

He visits the doctor once a year for his checkup, and again during the year if any medical needs arise. Continue reading The Fabulous Friday Funnies

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

I love to read those advice columns in the newspaper. I read one this morning. It said, "What’s the worst thing a wife can get on her twenty fifth wedding anniversary?"

"Morning Sickness."


Paddy asks Murphy "Murphy, why do scuba divers fall off their boats backwards?"

Says Murphy " You bloody pillock paddy, if they fell forwards they’d still be in the damn boat"!!!


Two Kiwis, Ian and Craig are walking down a street in Bondi.

Ian happens to look in one of the shop windows and sees a sign that catches his eye.

The sign said ‘Suits $10.00 each, Shirts $4.00 each, Trousers $5.00 per pair’

Ian says to his pal, ‘ Craig, look! We could buy a whole lot of those, and whin we get beck to InZid, we could make a fortune.

Now whin we go unto the shop, you be quiet, okay? Just lit me do all the talking cause uf they hear our accint, they might not be nice to us. I’ll speak in my bist Aussie accint.’

‘No worries, smiled Craig, I’ll keep my mouth shut.’

They go in and Ian says, ‘I’ll take fufty suits et $10.00 each, 100 shirts et $4.00 each, and fufty pairs of trousers et $5.00 each. I’ll beck up my truck and…’

The owner of the shop interrupts, ‘You’re from New Zealand , aren’t you?’

‘Well… Yis,’ says a surprised Ian. ‘How the hill dud you know thet?’

The owner says, ‘This is a dry cleaners’.


Don’t know if this is just a coincidence but….

2007 – Chinese year of the Chicken – Bird Flu Pandemic devastates parts of Asia

2008 – Chinese year of the Horse – Equine Influenza decimates Australian racing

2009 – Chinese year of the Pig – Swine Flu Pandemic kills hundreds of pigs around the globe.

Has any one else noticed this?

It gets worse……..

next year……

2010 – Chinese year of the Co*k – what could possibly go wrong?


Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.

Husband gets up in a rage and says, ‘And you are no good in bed either,’ and storms out of the house.

After some time he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up.

She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, ‘What took you so long to answer to the phone?’

She says, ‘I was in bed.’

‘In bed this early, doing what?’

‘Getting a second opinion!’


If you think nobody cares whether you’re alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.


An economist is someone who can tell you tomorrow why what he predicted yesterday didn’t happen today.

Why is it that a girl with the least principle gets the most interest?


As a staff nurse doing a shift on an orthopedic ward I was looking over the student nurses documentation to counter sign. She has been looking after a man who had knee replacement surgery and an operation on both wrists for carpel tunnel syndrome. Prior to his op the man had difficulty in eating his dinner and cutting up his food.
His mobility was greatly affected and he have severe difficulty in bending his knees.

Students are encouraged to write concise reports rather than big long stories. Her report read as follows.

Mr Brown 6th post op day was able to mobilize to the toilet independently, bend at the knees and eat himself!!!

She did explain later he had managed his lunch without assistance.


The NYPD, the FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. President Obama decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit in a forest and each organisation has a go at catching it.

The FBI goes in first. They place animal informants throughout the forest and question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three weeks of extensive investigations, the FBI concludes that the rabbit does not exist.

The CIA goes in next. After two weeks with no leads they burn down the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit. They make no apologies, stating the rabbit had it coming. The NYPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay!
I’m a rabbit ! I ‘m a rabbit !"


Today, I checked my Facebook, and my wife of five years was listed as single. I then write on her wall that it is okay to announce to be married. She writes back that we have to talk.


An actuary is like an accountant but without the personality.


A little known fact…

The first t**cular guard (Box) was used in cricket in 1874 and the first cricket helmet was used in 1974. It took 100 years for men to realise that the brain is also important !


A neutron walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?" The bartender replies, "There’s no charge."


We were helping customers when the store optometrist walked by and flirted with a co-worker. Of course, we all had to stop what we were doing to tease her. But she quickly dismissed the notion of a budding romance.

"Can you imagine making out with an optometrist?" she asked. "It would always be, ‘Better like this…or like this?’"

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

What’s the difference between Australia Post and an elephant?

Dunno! Well I won’t ask you to go and post a letter!!

 

Q. Why did the boy take toilet paper to the party?

A. He was a real party pooper!!!!!

 

Q. What did they call winnie the poo when he got run over.

A. A Dead Shi_!!!


Girl: You remind me of the sea.

Boy: Why? Because I’m so wild, romantic and unpredictable?

Girl: No. Because you make me sick.


"Marriages don’t last. When I meet a guy, the first question I ask myself is: is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?" –Rita Rudner


Quasimodo saw an advert for a bell-ringer at Notre Dame Cathedral, applied and got it. The sexton said as a joke, ‘You have to strike the bell with your head to make it ring.’ Quasimodo did so, even though it made his head ring. But when he hit it 12 times at noon, he was so concussed he staggered around the belfry and fell out, hitting the ground below with a splat. Two citizens were walking past, and one said ‘Who on earth is that?’

The other said ‘I don’t know, but his face rings a bell.’

The next week, Quasimodo’s brother sees the advert for a replacement bell-ringer, applies and gets the job. Again, the sexton conned him into ringing the bell with his head.
Again at noon, he gets concussed and falls out, hitting the ground with a splat, as the same two citizens come along.
‘Who on earth is that?’ said the first.

The other said, ‘I don’t know, but he’s the dead ringer of the guy who was here last week.’


Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and oil, the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off. We apologize for the inconvenience.


When a man gets married he has 3 rings

  1. An engagement ring
  2. A wedding ring and
  3. Suffering

"The U.N has evidence of global warming. And right now they are working hard, around the clock to do nothing about it."–Dave Letterman


A guy with three eyes, no arms, and one leg is hitchhiking.
A British gent pulls over, rolls down the window, and says, "Aye, aye, aye! You look ‘armless! ‘op in!"


DIARY OF A BLONDE

JAN : Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight

FEB : Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.
Helllloooo!!! Bottles won’t fit in typewriter !!!

MAR : Got really excited – finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months – box said “2-4 years”!

APR : Trapped on escalator for hours – power went out!

MAY : Tried to make Kool-Aid – wrong instructions – 8 cups of water won’t fit into those tiny packets!!!!

JUN : Tried to water-ski – couldn’t find a lake with a slope

JUL : Lost breast stroke swimming contest – learned later the other swimmers cheated – they used their arms

AUG : Got locked out of my car in rain storm – car swamped because soft-top was open

SEP : The capital of California is “C” – isn’t it???

OCT : Hate Smarties – they are so hard to peel!

NOV : Baked turkey for 41/2 days – instructions said 1 hour per pound – and I weigh 108!!!

DEC : Couldn’t call 911 – duh – there’s no “eleven” button on the stupid phone!!!


This morning. the math teacher singled me out to ask me, "If you have $200, and you give $60 to Mary, $60 to Sally and $60 to Susan, what would you have?"

Turned out that "an orgy" was not the correct answer.


A fisherman’s wife was sitting by a tent in a clearing on the bank of a river when along came the park ranger and said, "Excuse me ma’am but I need to speak to your husband.
Can you tell me where he is?"

She replied, pointing to a clump of reeds. "Go over there and look for the pole with a worm on both ends."


Answering Machine Recording: You have reached the breast self-examination hot line. Please press 1 now… Now press the other one."


"The Olympics have started and the skies over Beijing are very smoggy. The government says the pollution is just a harmless mist. They made a similar statement about the treatment of prisoners — it’s not torture, it’s Pilates."-Craig Ferguson


For those who love the philosophy of ambiguity… (as well as the idiosyncrasies of English)

  • One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor…
  • One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
  • Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
  • What if there were no hypothetical questions?
  • If a deaf person signs swear words, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
  • Is there another word for synonym?
  • If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
  • What was the best thing before sliced bread?
  • How is it possible to have a civil war?
  • Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have "s" in it?
  • Can an atheist get insurance against acts of god?

Lost Sky Remote? Photo

So, after returning home from a couple of open homes today, we put Joshua in his walker while Kim and I prepared lunch for us all. After a few minutes Joshua was playing in the toilet and we didn’t think anything of it. We then sat down and had lunch while watching some SKY TV. After a few minutes during the next ad break, we wanted to change channels to see what else was on. Perplexed as to the where abouts of the sky remote, I went hunting around the lounge. Kim mentioned in passing that Joshua had it while in his walker a mere 5 minutes earlier. I then (dreading the possibility that the remote could be in the toilet) went to the toilet to check the bowl, and was surprised to discover the following…

Thanks Joshski!, first of many ‘OMG’ moments, I’m sure…