Thought I would share this story from a class at a Secondary College.
The Science Teacher brought the school goldfish back to the science room after the holidays. He told his Year 11 Biology Class that the fish “Amnesia” and “Dementia” were quite unhappy in the small aquarium in his shed during the holidays and were glad to be back in their larger tank in the science room. One student quickly replied “They obviously prefer swimming around in schools”.
Once upon a time in their marriage, my Dad did something really stupid. My Mom chewed him out for it. He apologized, they made up.
However, from time to time, my mom mentions what he had done. "Honey," my Dad finally said one day, "why do you keep bringing that up? I thought your policy was ‘forgive and forget.’"
"I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them." -Unknown
"Politicians are interested in people. Not that this is always a virtue. Fleas are interested in dogs." –P. J.
O’Rourke
At a wedding I recently attended, the priest called for a moment of silence to remember the faithful dead…
As the church grew quiet, a little boy sitting in front of me turned to his father and said excitedly, "Dad, you have some of their albums!"
Never argue with an idiot; because people watching may not be able to tell the difference.
True story
My seven year old grandson was telling me he was tha fastest runner in school , the best football kicker, the best at playing tiggy etc at a number of activities in the school. I said ‘ i would like to hear you are the best reader in school or the best at maths"’ He looked very plaintive and said ‘there are thousands of kids at my school!!!
A young man confided to his mother that he proposed taking himself a bride.
"Whatsa dees?" screamed Mother. "Who’s a gonna love you like a Momma? Who’s a gonna starch-a you socks? Who’s a gonna make-a you lasagna?"
"Please, Mom, calm down," pleaded the son. "Any why are you talking like that? We aren’t even Italian."
"I married a younger man. Ten years younger than I am. I figure it like this: If you can’t find a good man, raise one." –Unknown
An Irishman is cleaning his rifle and accidentally shoots his wife. He immediately dials 999.
Irishman: ”It’s my fooken wife! I’ve accidentally shot her, I’ve fooken killed her!”
Operator: ”Please calm down Sir. Can you first make sure she is actually dead!”
*click* … *BANG*
Irishman: ”Okay, I’ve fooken done that. What next?”
If you have ever testified in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial.
The lawyer was trying to undermine the police officer’s credibility.
Q: ‘Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?’
A: ‘No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.’
Q: ‘Officer, who provided this description?’
A: ‘The officer who responded to the scene.’
Q: ‘A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?’
A: ‘Yes, sir. With my life.’
Q: ‘With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?’
A: ‘Yes sir, we do!’
Q: ‘And do you have a locker in the room?’
A: ‘Yes sir, I do.’
Q: ‘And do you have a lock on your locker?’
A: ‘Yes sir.’
Q: ‘Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share withthe same officers?’
A: ‘You see, sir, we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.’
A woman picked up a few items in the supermarket, then headed for the express line. The clerk had his back turned to her, so she said, "Excuse me young man, I’m in a hurry.
Could you check me out, please?"
The clerk turned around, looked her up and down and said, "Nice tits lady."
As I serviced an alarm system at a jewelry store recently, the saleswoman let me know that the store was having a 20 percent off sale.
"I bet your girlfriend would love it if you bought her something." she suggested.
"I don’t have a girlfriend," I answered.
"No girlfriend? Why not?"
"My wife won’t let me."
Dear Abby,
I’ve never written to you before, but I really need advice.
I’ve suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs… phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently, and when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don’t know them."
I stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she always walks down the drive. Although I can hear a car driving off, it seems she has gotten out of a car round the corner. Maybe she wasn’t in a taxi?
Deep down I probably don’t want to know the truth, but last night when she went out I decided to really check on her. I parked my Harley next to the garage and then hid behind it so I could get a good view of the whole street when she came home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my Harley, that I noticed that the valve covers on the engine were leaking a little oil.
Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the dealer?
If Sondra Locke married Elliott Ness, then divorced him to marry Herman Munster, she’d become Sondra Locke Ness Munster.
I love to read those advice columns in the newspaper. I read one this morning. It said, "What’s the worst thing a wife can get on her twenty fifth wedding anniversary?"
"Morning Sickness."
Paddy asks Murphy "Murphy, why do scuba divers fall off their boats backwards?"
Says Murphy " You bloody pillock paddy, if they fell forwards they’d still be in the damn boat"!!!
Two Kiwis, Ian and Craig are walking down a street in Bondi.
Ian happens to look in one of the shop windows and sees a sign that catches his eye.
The sign said ‘Suits $10.00 each, Shirts $4.00 each, Trousers $5.00 per pair’
Ian says to his pal, ‘ Craig, look! We could buy a whole lot of those, and whin we get beck to InZid, we could make a fortune.
Now whin we go unto the shop, you be quiet, okay? Just lit me do all the talking cause uf they hear our accint, they might not be nice to us. I’ll speak in my bist Aussie accint.’
‘No worries, smiled Craig, I’ll keep my mouth shut.’
They go in and Ian says, ‘I’ll take fufty suits et $10.00 each, 100 shirts et $4.00 each, and fufty pairs of trousers et $5.00 each. I’ll beck up my truck and…’
The owner of the shop interrupts, ‘You’re from New Zealand , aren’t you?’
‘Well… Yis,’ says a surprised Ian. ‘How the hill dud you know thet?’
The owner says, ‘This is a dry cleaners’.
Don’t know if this is just a coincidence but….
2007 – Chinese year of the Chicken – Bird Flu Pandemic devastates parts of Asia
2008 – Chinese year of the Horse – Equine Influenza decimates Australian racing
2009 – Chinese year of the Pig – Swine Flu Pandemic kills hundreds of pigs around the globe.
Has any one else noticed this?
It gets worse……..
next year……
2010 – Chinese year of the Co*k – what could possibly go wrong?
Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.
Husband gets up in a rage and says, ‘And you are no good in bed either,’ and storms out of the house.
After some time he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up.
She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, ‘What took you so long to answer to the phone?’
She says, ‘I was in bed.’
‘In bed this early, doing what?’
‘Getting a second opinion!’
If you think nobody cares whether you’re alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.
An economist is someone who can tell you tomorrow why what he predicted yesterday didn’t happen today.
Why is it that a girl with the least principle gets the most interest?
As a staff nurse doing a shift on an orthopedic ward I was looking over the student nurses documentation to counter sign. She has been looking after a man who had knee replacement surgery and an operation on both wrists for carpel tunnel syndrome. Prior to his op the man had difficulty in eating his dinner and cutting up his food.
His mobility was greatly affected and he have severe difficulty in bending his knees.
Students are encouraged to write concise reports rather than big long stories. Her report read as follows.
Mr Brown 6th post op day was able to mobilize to the toilet independently, bend at the knees and eat himself!!!
She did explain later he had managed his lunch without assistance.
The NYPD, the FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. President Obama decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit in a forest and each organisation has a go at catching it.
The FBI goes in first. They place animal informants throughout the forest and question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three weeks of extensive investigations, the FBI concludes that the rabbit does not exist.
The CIA goes in next. After two weeks with no leads they burn down the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit. They make no apologies, stating the rabbit had it coming. The NYPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay!
I’m a rabbit ! I ‘m a rabbit !"
Today, I checked my Facebook, and my wife of five years was listed as single. I then write on her wall that it is okay to announce to be married. She writes back that we have to talk.
An actuary is like an accountant but without the personality.
A little known fact…
The first t**cular guard (Box) was used in cricket in 1874 and the first cricket helmet was used in 1974. It took 100 years for men to realise that the brain is also important !
A neutron walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?" The bartender replies, "There’s no charge."
We were helping customers when the store optometrist walked by and flirted with a co-worker. Of course, we all had to stop what we were doing to tease her. But she quickly dismissed the notion of a budding romance.
"Can you imagine making out with an optometrist?" she asked. "It would always be, ‘Better like this…or like this?’"
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. ‘Please allow me to help. I’m a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you’d allow me, she told him. ‘Oh, no, I’ll be all right. I’ll be fine in a few minutes,’ the man replied.
He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.
She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.
She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, ‘How does that feel’? He replied: It feels great, but I still think my thumb’s broken!
"Today marks 100 days for Barack Obama. President Obama has accomplished a lot. If you compare the last two presidents, President Bush spent his first 100 days in the Oval Office looking for the corner." -David Letterman
Tony was attending his 4wd club’s monthly meeting and had just told them he couldn’t make the upcoming Innamincka little place way outback (a) trip because his missus wouldn’t let him go.
After copping the under the thumb remarks and other derisive remarks Tony left to go back home to the missus.
When Tony’s mates started arriving to set up camp at Innamincka common the following week who should be there but Tony sitting up in front of the Cruiser , swag rolled out , fishing rod in hand, camp oven roast stewing away in a hot bed of Coolabah coals.
"How did ya talk ya missus into letting you go Tony ?"
"I didn’t have to", was Tony’s reply.
"When I left the meeting I went home and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows. Then the missus snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said, " Surprise ".
When I peeled her hands back she was standing there in a beautiful see through negligee and she said , ‘ Carry me into the bedroom and tie me to the bed and you can do what ever you want .’
SO HERE I AM !
A young son asked, "Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad replied, "That happens in every country, son."
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say — talk in your sleep.
At a cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren’t you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" "Yes, I am.
I married the wrong man."
The visiting Texan farmer, trying to outdo his Australian host made the remark, "you know what? If I get on my tractor at my homestead at 6 o’clock in the morning, drive to the other side of my ranch and back to the homestead, I wouldn’t get back until 10 o’clock that night! What do you think of that?"
To which the Australian replies, "yeah, I had a tractor like that once."
On a train from London to Manchester, an American tourist was berating the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment.
"You English are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. You think your stiff upper lips make your above the rest of us. Look at me … I have Italian blood, French blood, a little Indian blood and some Swedish blood. What do you say to that?"
The Englishman replied, "Very sporting of your mother."
One doctor asked a patient: "If I were to cut one of your ear off, what will happen to you?"
Patient: "Then I will not be able to hear…"
Doctor: "Hmm.. that’s normal… So if I were to cut your other ear off, what will happen to you?"
Patient: "Then I will not be able to see…" The doctor became nervous and asked: "Why would you not see then???"
Patient: "Because my spectacles will drop off."
As a child my mother would always tell me not to sit so close to the TV, that it was bad for my eyes. Now, as an adult I spend 8+ hours a day within 2 feet of a computer screen.
A young couple were kissing passionately when, suddenly, the young man pulled back, smiled and said, "Honey, I have your gum."
She looked puzzled as she said, "But I wasn’t chewing gum."
Then the light dawned as she said, "But I have a cold."
A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.
"Human beings are the only animals that stutter," she says.
A little girl raises her hand.. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered." The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.
"Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard"!!
"That must’ve been scary," said the teacher.
"It sure was," said the little girl. "My kitty raised her back, went Sssss, Sssss, Sssss but before she could say "Shit", the Rottweiler ate her!!!! The teacher had to leave the room….
A man walks into a Chinese restaurant and is told by the maitre’d that there will be at least a twenty minute wait, would he like to wait in the bar. So he goes and has a seat at the bar.
The bartender walks up and says with a heavy accent, "What you rike dlink?"
The man replies, "Give me a Stoli with a twist."
The bartender squints at him for a few seconds, then smiles and says, "Once upon time were FOUR rittle pigs…"
According to a news story, if global warming continues, in 20 years the only chance we’ll have to see a polar bear is in a zoo. So in other words, nothing is going to change. — Arthur Carlson
Welcome to the personal website of Adrian Hodge. I'm a web designer/developer living in Rotorua, New Zealand. Married with two lovely kids, I have a love of motorcycles and gadgets. I work for Destination Rotorua Tourism Marketing during the day and run Hodgeman Web & Design after hours.
