The Fabulous Friday Funnies

Thought I would share this story from a class at a Secondary College.

The Science Teacher brought the school goldfish back to the science room after the holidays. He told his Year 11 Biology Class that the fish “Amnesia” and “Dementia” were quite unhappy in the small aquarium in his shed during the holidays and were glad to be back in their larger tank in the science room. One student quickly replied “They obviously prefer swimming around in schools”. Continue reading The Fabulous Friday Funnies

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

Once upon a time in their marriage, my Dad did something really stupid. My Mom chewed him out for it. He apologized, they made up.

However, from time to time, my mom mentions what he had done. "Honey," my Dad finally said one day, "why do you keep bringing that up? I thought your policy was ‘forgive and forget.’" Continue reading The Fabulous Friday Funnies

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

"I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them." -Unknown

"Politicians are interested in people. Not that this is always a virtue. Fleas are interested in dogs." –P. J.

At a wedding I recently attended, the priest called for a moment of silence to remember the faithful dead…

As the church grew quiet, a little boy sitting in front of me turned to his father and said excitedly, "Dad, you have some of their albums!"

Never argue with an idiot; because people watching may not be able to tell the difference.

True story

My seven year old grandson was telling me he was tha fastest runner in school , the best football kicker, the best at playing tiggy etc at a number of activities in the school. I said ‘ i would like to hear you are the best reader in school or the best at maths"’ He looked very plaintive and said ‘there are thousands of kids at my school!!!

A young man confided to his mother that he proposed taking himself a bride.

"Whatsa dees?" screamed Mother. "Who’s a gonna love you like a Momma? Who’s a gonna starch-a you socks? Who’s a gonna make-a you lasagna?"

"Please, Mom, calm down," pleaded the son. "Any why are you talking like that? We aren’t even Italian."

"I married a younger man. Ten years younger than I am. I figure it like this: If you can’t find a good man, raise one." –Unknown

An Irishman is cleaning his rifle and accidentally shoots his wife. He immediately dials 999.

Irishman: ”It’s my fooken wife! I’ve accidentally shot her, I’ve fooken killed her!”

Operator: ”Please calm down Sir. Can you first make sure she is actually dead!”

*click* … *BANG*

Irishman: ”Okay, I’ve fooken done that. What next?”

If you have ever testified in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial.
The lawyer was trying to undermine the police officer’s credibility.

Q: ‘Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?’
A: ‘No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.’
Q: ‘Officer, who provided this description?’
A: ‘The officer who responded to the scene.’
Q: ‘A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?’
A: ‘Yes, sir. With my life.’
Q: ‘With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?’
A: ‘Yes sir, we do!’
Q: ‘And do you have a locker in the room?’
A: ‘Yes sir, I do.’
Q: ‘And do you have a lock on your locker?’
A: ‘Yes sir.’
Q: ‘Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share withthe same officers?’
A: ‘You see, sir, we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.’

A woman picked up a few items in the supermarket, then headed for the express line. The clerk had his back turned to her, so she said, "Excuse me young man, I’m in a hurry.
Could you check me out, please?"

The clerk turned around, looked her up and down and said, "Nice tits lady."

As I serviced an alarm system at a jewelry store recently, the saleswoman let me know that the store was having a 20 percent off sale.

"I bet your girlfriend would love it if you bought her something." she suggested.

"I don’t have a girlfriend," I answered.

"No girlfriend? Why not?"

"My wife won’t let me."

Dear Abby,

I’ve never written to you before, but I really need advice.
I’ve suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs… phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently, and when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don’t know them."

I stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she always walks down the drive. Although I can hear a car driving off, it seems she has gotten out of a car round the corner. Maybe she wasn’t in a taxi?

Deep down I probably don’t want to know the truth, but last night when she went out I decided to really check on her. I parked my Harley next to the garage and then hid behind it so I could get a good view of the whole street when she came home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my Harley, that I noticed that the valve covers on the engine were leaking a little oil.

Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the dealer?

If Sondra Locke married Elliott Ness, then divorced him to marry Herman Munster, she’d become Sondra Locke Ness Munster.

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

I love to read those advice columns in the newspaper. I read one this morning. It said, "What’s the worst thing a wife can get on her twenty fifth wedding anniversary?"

"Morning Sickness."

Paddy asks Murphy "Murphy, why do scuba divers fall off their boats backwards?"

Says Murphy " You bloody pillock paddy, if they fell forwards they’d still be in the damn boat"!!!

Two Kiwis, Ian and Craig are walking down a street in Bondi.

Ian happens to look in one of the shop windows and sees a sign that catches his eye.

The sign said ‘Suits $10.00 each, Shirts $4.00 each, Trousers $5.00 per pair’

Ian says to his pal, ‘ Craig, look! We could buy a whole lot of those, and whin we get beck to InZid, we could make a fortune.

Now whin we go unto the shop, you be quiet, okay? Just lit me do all the talking cause uf they hear our accint, they might not be nice to us. I’ll speak in my bist Aussie accint.’

‘No worries, smiled Craig, I’ll keep my mouth shut.’

They go in and Ian says, ‘I’ll take fufty suits et $10.00 each, 100 shirts et $4.00 each, and fufty pairs of trousers et $5.00 each. I’ll beck up my truck and…’

The owner of the shop interrupts, ‘You’re from New Zealand , aren’t you?’

‘Well… Yis,’ says a surprised Ian. ‘How the hill dud you know thet?’

The owner says, ‘This is a dry cleaners’.

Don’t know if this is just a coincidence but….

2007 – Chinese year of the Chicken – Bird Flu Pandemic devastates parts of Asia

2008 – Chinese year of the Horse – Equine Influenza decimates Australian racing

2009 – Chinese year of the Pig – Swine Flu Pandemic kills hundreds of pigs around the globe.

Has any one else noticed this?

It gets worse……..

next year……

2010 – Chinese year of the Co*k – what could possibly go wrong?

Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.

Husband gets up in a rage and says, ‘And you are no good in bed either,’ and storms out of the house.

After some time he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up.

She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, ‘What took you so long to answer to the phone?’

She says, ‘I was in bed.’

‘In bed this early, doing what?’

‘Getting a second opinion!’

If you think nobody cares whether you’re alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.

An economist is someone who can tell you tomorrow why what he predicted yesterday didn’t happen today.

Why is it that a girl with the least principle gets the most interest?

As a staff nurse doing a shift on an orthopedic ward I was looking over the student nurses documentation to counter sign. She has been looking after a man who had knee replacement surgery and an operation on both wrists for carpel tunnel syndrome. Prior to his op the man had difficulty in eating his dinner and cutting up his food.
His mobility was greatly affected and he have severe difficulty in bending his knees.

Students are encouraged to write concise reports rather than big long stories. Her report read as follows.

Mr Brown 6th post op day was able to mobilize to the toilet independently, bend at the knees and eat himself!!!

She did explain later he had managed his lunch without assistance.

The NYPD, the FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. President Obama decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit in a forest and each organisation has a go at catching it.

The FBI goes in first. They place animal informants throughout the forest and question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three weeks of extensive investigations, the FBI concludes that the rabbit does not exist.

The CIA goes in next. After two weeks with no leads they burn down the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit. They make no apologies, stating the rabbit had it coming. The NYPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay!
I’m a rabbit ! I ‘m a rabbit !"

Today, I checked my Facebook, and my wife of five years was listed as single. I then write on her wall that it is okay to announce to be married. She writes back that we have to talk.

An actuary is like an accountant but without the personality.

A little known fact…

The first t**cular guard (Box) was used in cricket in 1874 and the first cricket helmet was used in 1974. It took 100 years for men to realise that the brain is also important !

A neutron walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?" The bartender replies, "There’s no charge."

We were helping customers when the store optometrist walked by and flirted with a co-worker. Of course, we all had to stop what we were doing to tease her. But she quickly dismissed the notion of a budding romance.

"Can you imagine making out with an optometrist?" she asked. "It would always be, ‘Better like this…or like this?’"

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. ‘Please allow me to help. I’m a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you’d allow me, she told him. ‘Oh, no, I’ll be all right. I’ll be fine in a few minutes,’ the man replied.

He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.

She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.

She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, ‘How does that feel’? He replied: It feels great, but I still think my thumb’s broken!

"Today marks 100 days for Barack Obama. President Obama has accomplished a lot. If you compare the last two presidents, President Bush spent his first 100 days in the Oval Office looking for the corner." -David Letterman

Tony was attending his 4wd club’s monthly meeting and had just told them he couldn’t make the upcoming Innamincka little place way outback (a) trip because his missus wouldn’t let him go.

After copping the under the thumb remarks and other derisive remarks Tony left to go back home to the missus.

When Tony’s mates started arriving to set up camp at Innamincka common the following week who should be there but Tony sitting up in front of the Cruiser , swag rolled out , fishing rod in hand, camp oven roast stewing away in a hot bed of Coolabah coals.

"How did ya talk ya missus into letting you go Tony ?"

"I didn’t have to", was Tony’s reply.

"When I left the meeting I went home and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows. Then the missus snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said, " Surprise ".

When I peeled her hands back she was standing there in a beautiful see through negligee and she said , ‘ Carry me into the bedroom and tie me to the bed and you can do what ever you want .’


A young son asked, "Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad replied, "That happens in every country, son."

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say — talk in your sleep.

At a cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren’t you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" "Yes, I am.
I married the wrong man."

The visiting Texan farmer, trying to outdo his Australian host made the remark, "you know what? If I get on my tractor at my homestead at 6 o’clock in the morning, drive to the other side of my ranch and back to the homestead, I wouldn’t get back until 10 o’clock that night! What do you think of that?"

To which the Australian replies, "yeah, I had a tractor like that once."

On a train from London to Manchester, an American tourist was berating the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment.

"You English are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. You think your stiff upper lips make your above the rest of us. Look at me … I have Italian blood, French blood, a little Indian blood and some Swedish blood. What do you say to that?"

The Englishman replied, "Very sporting of your mother."

One doctor asked a patient: "If I were to cut one of your ear off, what will happen to you?"

Patient: "Then I will not be able to hear…"

Doctor: "Hmm.. that’s normal… So if I were to cut your other ear off, what will happen to you?"

Patient: "Then I will not be able to see…" The doctor became nervous and asked: "Why would you not see then???"

Patient: "Because my spectacles will drop off."

As a child my mother would always tell me not to sit so close to the TV, that it was bad for my eyes. Now, as an adult I spend 8+ hours a day within 2 feet of a computer screen.

A young couple were kissing passionately when, suddenly, the young man pulled back, smiled and said, "Honey, I have your gum."

She looked puzzled as she said, "But I wasn’t chewing gum."
Then the light dawned as she said, "But I have a cold."

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.
"Human beings are the only animals that stutter," she says.
A little girl raises her hand.. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered." The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

"Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard"!!

"That must’ve been scary," said the teacher.

"It sure was," said the little girl. "My kitty raised her back, went Sssss, Sssss, Sssss but before she could say "Shit", the Rottweiler ate her!!!! The teacher had to leave the room….

A man walks into a Chinese restaurant and is told by the maitre’d that there will be at least a twenty minute wait, would he like to wait in the bar. So he goes and has a seat at the bar.

The bartender walks up and says with a heavy accent, "What you rike dlink?"

The man replies, "Give me a Stoli with a twist."

The bartender squints at him for a few seconds, then smiles and says, "Once upon time were FOUR rittle pigs…"

According to a news story, if global warming continues, in 20 years the only chance we’ll have to see a polar bear is in a zoo. So in other words, nothing is going to change. — Arthur Carlson

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

Diane’s story about the Chinese calligraphy on her sweater reminded me of the T-shirt which I purchased from a clothes chain. I thought it very smart with Chinese characters across the front, cinched in at the waist, except that when I walked through Melbourne’s Chinatown I noticed folk looking at me with a little smile then quickly averting their gaze.

Wondering, I took my fashion item down to the local fish and chip shop where the Chinese guy who spoke English took it out the back to his mother who could read Chinese. He came back with a big smile on his face and told me that my T-shirt said ‘These mountains are beautiful’.

Artifacts are a major portion of an American-Indian reservation’s economy. Annually, thousands of tourists visit reservations and most will not leave without purchasing at least one memento of the traditional Indian culture.

One enterprising Indian was able to outsell his competitors in the sale of wooden dolls by selling them at only a fraction of the cost others had to charge. On examination of his dolls they found that where traditionally hard wood was used, this Indian would use cheap pine on which he glued thin pieces of fine mahogany, thus being able to produce the dolls at only a fraction of the cost.

While he claimed his dolls were still authentic, his competitors complained that it was only a cheap Sioux Veneer.

What time does the library open? The voice on the phone asked. "Nine A.M." came the reply. "And what is the idea of calling me at home in the middle of the night to ask such a question?" Asked the librarian.

"Not until nine A.M.?" the man asked in a disappointed voice. "No, not till nine A.M..!" the librarian said, "Why do you want to get in before nine A.M." "Who said I wanted to get in?", the man sighed sadly. "I want to get out."

"Just the other day I sent the girlfriend a huge pile of snow…I rang her up and said, ‘Did you get my drift?’"
–Peter Kay

"Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use." –Wendell Johnson

Some of the artists of the 60’s are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers. They

Herman’s Hermits — Mrs. Brown, You’ve Got a Lovely Walker ..

The Bee Gees — – How Can You Mend a Broken Hip.

Roberta Flack— The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face.

Johnny Nash — I Can’t See Clearly Now.

Paul Simon— Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver

The Commodores — Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom.

Leo Sayer — You Make Me Feel Like Napping.

Abba— Denture Queen.

Tony Orlando — Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall.

Helen Reddy— I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore.

Leslie Gore— It’s My Procedure, and I’ll Cry If I Want To.

And Last but NOT least: Willie Nelson — On the Commode Again

‘I became a member of The Secret Seven. It’s so secret, I don’t even know who the other six are… ‘


I went to the doctors with a jelly stuck in one ear and custard in the other. The doctor asked, ‘what seems to be the problem?’ I said ‘you have to speak up, I’m a trifle deaf.’


Two fish in a tank, one says to the other – you drive I’ll man the guns.


A guy walks into a pub with a lump of asphalt on his shoulder, He says to the bar man give us a pint and one for the road.

Heard this joke this morning, though you might wish to use it:

Q. How do you kill a circus?
A. Go for the Juggler!!!!

"My father spent the last 20 years of his life writing letters. If someone thanked him for a wedding present, he thanked them for thanking him and there was no end to the exchange but death." -Evelyn Waugh

"A new study from the Centers for Disease Control says that tripping over your pets causes over 86,000 serious injuries each year. Worse — only 30 percent of those make it to YouTube." -Jimmy Fallon

"You’ve got a good lawyer to take care of the estate?"
asked her mother.

"Oh, don’t talk to me about lawyers," said the recent widow angrily. "I’ve had so much trouble over the property.
Sometimes I wish Frank had never died."

This would be funny if it wasn’t true!!!!! It actually happened last week.

We have a small hotel in South West country Victoria and were requested by the Local Council fire officer to clear our block in mid March.(Fire orders usually go out in
November) We were surprised as it was potentially dangerous to do it at that time. We asked if the order could be waived as the fire period was nearly over and it would rain soon anyway.

We were told "no the block had to be cleared."

We then approached the CFA back burn for us. Unfortunately they told us that the block had to have ploughed earth for a distance of 5 metres around the boundary.

It is not possible to do this as the block is very rocky and very steep where it runs down to a creek. To do so would be unsafe.

In the interim it rained holding us up from mowing as it was too wet.

We went back to Council and informed them that it was unsafe to mow the block due to the slope and that the rocky terrain could cause a fire if sparks were created by hitting a rock with the mower.

We were told to do the best you can!!!.

So we did …..To avoid a fine we pulled out the mower on the last day and started to mow the block.

As expected, the mower hit a rock, caused a spark and set alight to the block.

The first thing to catch alight was the mower which is now a write off. However the sight of me trying to reverse a flaming mower out of the inferno screaming "Fire" "Fire"
raised some mirth from the locals.

Naturally the fire brigade was called and the fire was put out. We are now considering putting the charred remnants of the mower in front of the property to promote a new business with a sign saying "Lawn mowing services. Hot prices available."

Next year we are going to commission the council to clear the site for us and sell tickets to the pending entertainment.

The toasted marshmallows should be a hit.

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

Q. What’s the most popular gardening magazine in the world?
A. Weeders Digest.


Q. What do ghosts like about tall buildings?
A. They have got lots of scare cases.


Q. What do you call a blind dinosaur?
A. Do you think he saw us!


Q. What lies in a pram and wobbles?
A. A jelly baby.


Q. Why did the turkey join in the band?
A. Because it had the drumsticks!


Q. What does Santa Claus use to weed his garden?
A. His hoe hoe hoe!


Q. What do they sing at a snowman’s birthday party?
A. Freeze a jolly good fellow!


Q. What would you get if all the cars in Australia were red?
A. A red carnation.


Q. What is worse than a giraffe with a sore throat?
A. A centipede with sore feet!


Q. How do you start a teddy bear race?
A. Ready teddy go!


Q. What do you get when you cross a sheep with a kangaroo?
A. A woolly jumper!


Q. What do you call a lazy skeleton?
A. Bone idle!


Q. Where do fish wash?
A. In the river basin!


Q. What do you call a fairy who hasn’t had a wash for a week?
A. Stinkerbell!


Q. What has a pelican got in common with the Water company?
A. They both have large bills!


Q. What kind of sweet goes swinging through the jungle?
A. Tarzi pan.


Q. How can you stop a rhino from charging?
A. Take away it’s credit cards!


Q. What do snowmen have for supper?
A. Iceburgers!


Q. Why do bakers work so hard?
A. Because they need the dough!

When I was younger I hated going to weddings.

It seemed that all of my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poke me in the ribs and cackle, telling me, ‘YOU’RE NEXT’.

They stopped that rubbish after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals

I heard the dog barking before he and his owner actually barreled into our vet practice. Spotting a training video we sell, the owner wisely decided to buy one.

"How does this work?" she asked, handing me a check. "Do I just have him watch this?"

Last year I entered the Melbourne Marathon. The race started and immediately I was the last of the runners. It was embarrassing.

The guy who was in front of me, second to last, was making fun of me. He said, "Hey buddy, how does it feel to be last?"

I replied: "You really want to know?"

Then I dropped out of the race.

Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift.
One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, ‘I’m almost out of typing paper. What do I do?’ ‘Just use paper from the photocopier’, the secretary told her.

With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five ‘blank’ copies. Brunette, by the way!!

A woman at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly.

When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM ‘thingy.’

I have just read yet another article on the dangers of heavy drinking

It really scared me

So that’s it

After today, no more reading!!

A little turtle begins to climb a tree slowly. After long hours of effort, he reaches the top, jumps into the air waving his front legs, until he crashes heavily into the ground with a hard knock on his shell. After recovering his consciousness, he starts to climb the tree again, jumps again, and knocks the ground heavily again.

The little turtle persisted again and again while a couple of birds sitting at the edge of a branch, watched the turtle with pain.

Suddenly the female bird says to the male, "Hey dear, I think it’s time to tell our little turtle he is adopted".

  • A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a work station. So ……?
  • Why does lemon juice contain artificial colours and flavours, but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
  • If a tin whistle is made out of tin (and it is), then what, exactly, is a fog horn made out of?
  • Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
  • Why are they called apartments, when they’re all stuck together?
  • Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
  • How come ‘cured’ bacon is from a pig that died?
  • How would you supervise a submarine race?

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

What’s the difference between Australia Post and an elephant?

Dunno! Well I won’t ask you to go and post a letter!!


Q. Why did the boy take toilet paper to the party?

A. He was a real party pooper!!!!!


Q. What did they call winnie the poo when he got run over.

A. A Dead Shi_!!!

Girl: You remind me of the sea.

Boy: Why? Because I’m so wild, romantic and unpredictable?

Girl: No. Because you make me sick.

"Marriages don’t last. When I meet a guy, the first question I ask myself is: is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?" –Rita Rudner

Quasimodo saw an advert for a bell-ringer at Notre Dame Cathedral, applied and got it. The sexton said as a joke, ‘You have to strike the bell with your head to make it ring.’ Quasimodo did so, even though it made his head ring. But when he hit it 12 times at noon, he was so concussed he staggered around the belfry and fell out, hitting the ground below with a splat. Two citizens were walking past, and one said ‘Who on earth is that?’

The other said ‘I don’t know, but his face rings a bell.’

The next week, Quasimodo’s brother sees the advert for a replacement bell-ringer, applies and gets the job. Again, the sexton conned him into ringing the bell with his head.
Again at noon, he gets concussed and falls out, hitting the ground with a splat, as the same two citizens come along.
‘Who on earth is that?’ said the first.

The other said, ‘I don’t know, but he’s the dead ringer of the guy who was here last week.’

Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and oil, the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off. We apologize for the inconvenience.

When a man gets married he has 3 rings

  1. An engagement ring
  2. A wedding ring and
  3. Suffering

"The U.N has evidence of global warming. And right now they are working hard, around the clock to do nothing about it."–Dave Letterman

A guy with three eyes, no arms, and one leg is hitchhiking.
A British gent pulls over, rolls down the window, and says, "Aye, aye, aye! You look ‘armless! ‘op in!"


JAN : Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight

FEB : Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.
Helllloooo!!! Bottles won’t fit in typewriter !!!

MAR : Got really excited – finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months – box said “2-4 years”!

APR : Trapped on escalator for hours – power went out!

MAY : Tried to make Kool-Aid – wrong instructions – 8 cups of water won’t fit into those tiny packets!!!!

JUN : Tried to water-ski – couldn’t find a lake with a slope

JUL : Lost breast stroke swimming contest – learned later the other swimmers cheated – they used their arms

AUG : Got locked out of my car in rain storm – car swamped because soft-top was open

SEP : The capital of California is “C” – isn’t it???

OCT : Hate Smarties – they are so hard to peel!

NOV : Baked turkey for 41/2 days – instructions said 1 hour per pound – and I weigh 108!!!

DEC : Couldn’t call 911 – duh – there’s no “eleven” button on the stupid phone!!!

This morning. the math teacher singled me out to ask me, "If you have $200, and you give $60 to Mary, $60 to Sally and $60 to Susan, what would you have?"

Turned out that "an orgy" was not the correct answer.

A fisherman’s wife was sitting by a tent in a clearing on the bank of a river when along came the park ranger and said, "Excuse me ma’am but I need to speak to your husband.
Can you tell me where he is?"

She replied, pointing to a clump of reeds. "Go over there and look for the pole with a worm on both ends."

Answering Machine Recording: You have reached the breast self-examination hot line. Please press 1 now… Now press the other one."

"The Olympics have started and the skies over Beijing are very smoggy. The government says the pollution is just a harmless mist. They made a similar statement about the treatment of prisoners — it’s not torture, it’s Pilates."-Craig Ferguson

For those who love the philosophy of ambiguity… (as well as the idiosyncrasies of English)

  • One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor…
  • One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
  • Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
  • What if there were no hypothetical questions?
  • If a deaf person signs swear words, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
  • Is there another word for synonym?
  • If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
  • What was the best thing before sliced bread?
  • How is it possible to have a civil war?
  • Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have "s" in it?
  • Can an atheist get insurance against acts of god?

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

Out driving the other day, my husband and I passed an A-frame sign which was advertising the local psychic meeting being held just down the road. I said to my husband ‘Why do they need to advertise that, if they were any good, they wouldn’t need it.’

My four-year-old, obviously well brought up granddaughter was hanging out to get stuck into her dinner but politely asked Daddy if could start now please. ”If you wish,” he replied somewhat formally. Adelaide closed her eyes and crossed her fingers. ”I wish I could start eating, I wish I could start eating.”

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds. The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more. Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking ever more than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, ‘I couldn’t help but notice that you’ve sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you ok?’ ‘I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm.’

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. ‘
I have never heard of that condition before’ he said. ‘ Are you taking anything for it?’

‘Yes,’ the woman nodded. ‘Pepper.’

"Did you ever stop to think, and forget to start again?"
—A. L. Milne (Winnie the Pooh)

Needing a man is like needing a parachute. If he isn’t there the first time you need him, chances are you won’t be needing him again.

Thought I’d share this true story with you…

Recently my elderly Aunty and Uncle from Canada visited us her in New Zealand and we had a family dinner to catch up with them. My mother introduced Uncle Hamish to my 7 year old son Kerrin, she told Kerrin that Uncle Hamish talked a bit different as he had what was called an accent (a strong one at that).

A while later I was outside throwing a ball around with Kerrin when he said to me "Uncle Hamish talks funny doesn’t he dad" To which I responded "Yes, that is his accent Nan told you about"

Kerrin then said "Yeah, it’s like he’s Chinese but he’s not"

I couldn’t stop laughing!

Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blonde cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun and his boots, so he arrests him for indecent exposure. As he is locking him up, he asks "Why in the world are you dressed like this?"

The Cowboy says "Well it’s like this Sheriff… I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her… so I did. We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my I did. Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants…so I did. Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts… so I did.

Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, "Now go to town cowboy… "

And here I am.

Two young men from Glasgow, Archie and Jock, are sitting in the pub discussing Jock’s forthcoming wedding .

"Och, it’s all going like magic," says Jock. "I’ve got everything organized already – the flowers, the church, the cars, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night….."

Archie nods approvingly. "Man, I’ve even bought a kilt to be married in!"

Continues Jock, "A kilt?" exclaims Archie, "That’s grand, you’ll look pure smart in that! And what’s the tartan?"

"Oh," says Jock, "I’d imagine she’ll be in white."

"The only way to avoid being miserable is not to have enough leisure to wonder whether you are happy or not."
–George Bernard Shaw

I recently picked a new doctor. After a couple visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing ‘fairly well’ for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn’t resist asking him, "Do you think I’ll live to be 80?"

He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?"

"Oh, no," I replied. "I’m not doing drugs, either!"

Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"

I said, "No, my last doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!"

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?"

"No, I don’t," I said.

He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"

"No," I said.

He looked at me and said, "Then why do you care?"

Friendship Between Women:

A woman didn’t come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend’s house.
The man called his wife’s 10 best friends. None of them knew about it.

Friendship Between Men:

A man didn’t come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend’s house. The woman called her husband’s 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there…

An Indian woman goes to see an Indian fortune-teller.

"Two men are in love with me," she says. "Who will be the lucky one?"

The swami answers, "Nimesh will marry you. Akshay will be the lucky one."

Chinese Wedding Night

A young Chinese couple gets married. She’s a virgin. Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn’t know that.

On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness.

He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring. "My darring," he whispers, "I know dis you firss time and you berry frighten. I pomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting – juss anyting you want. You juss ask. Whatchu want?" he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request. She eventually shyly whispers back, "I want to try someting I have heard about from other girls… Numbaa 69."

More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her…

"You want… Garlic Chicken with corrifrowa?"