The Fabulous Friday Funnies

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a case of Fosters and puts it in their cart.

‘What do you think you’re doing?’ asks the wife.

‘They’re on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,’ he replies.

‘Put them back, we can’t afford them,’ demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

‘What do you think you’re doing?’ asks the husband.

‘Its my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,’ replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: ‘So does 24 cans of Fosters and it’s half the price.’

On the PA system: ‘Cleanup on aisle 25, we have a husband down.’

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A newly married man asked his wife, ‘Would you have married me if my father hadn’t left me a fortune?’ ‘Honey,’ the woman replied sweetly, ‘I’d have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!’

Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I’ll be yours forever. The guy replies: ‘Thanks for the early warning.’

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Some quips & quotes of famous people

• If you can’t live without me, why aren’t you dead already? – - – Cynthia Heimel
• Americans always try to do the right thing — after they’ve tried everything else. – - – Winston Churchill
• She was so ugly she could make a mule back away from an oat bin. – - – Will Rogers
• He knows nothing and thinks he knows everything. That points clearly to a political career. – - – George Bernard Shaw
• I didn’t like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions – the curtain was up. – - – Groucho Marx

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The woman knelt in the confessional and said, “Bless me, father, for I have sinned.” “What is it, child?”

“Father, I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice a day I gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am.”

The priest turned, took a good look at her and said, “My dear, I have good news. That isn’t a sin–it’s a mistake.”

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After three years of marriage, Kim was still questioning her husband about his lurid past. “C’mon, tell me,” she asked for the thousandth time, “how many women have you slept with?”

“Baby,” he protested, “if I told you, you’d throw a fit”. Kim promised she wouldn’t get angry, and convinced her hubby to tell her.

“Okay,” he said, “One, two, three, four, five, six, seven – then there’s you – nine, ten, 11, 12, 13…”

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Hung Chow calls into work and says, “Hey, I no come work today, I rearry sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work.” The boss says, “You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her to make love to me. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that.”

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. “I do what you say and I feel great! I be at work soon. . . You got nice house!”

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True story

I was visiting my grandsons father in Hospital recently and grandson (5) insisted that we use the stairs to get to dads ward. I told him that it was on the 7th floor and we should take the lift. “No granddad “ he said. So I thought, ok, lets go (I’m 66). We set off and counted down the flights till we finally reached the 7th floor. “ Whew, I’m puffed “ I said to him, to which he replied “my legs are puffed” You got to love it don’t you, you can see us in your minds eye exactly how we looked.

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Definitions By Mom

• AIRPLANE: What Mom impersonates to get a 1-year-old to eat strained vegetables.
• APPLE: Nutritious lunchtime dessert which children will trade for cupcakes.
• BATHROOM: A room used by the entire family, believed by all except Mom to be self-cleaning.
• BECAUSE: Mom’s reason for having kids do things which can’t be explained logically.
• BED & BREAKFAST: Two things the kids will never make for themselves.
• DATE: Infrequent outings with Dad where Mom can enjoy worrying about the kids in a different setting.
• DRINKING GLASS: Any carton or bottle left open in the fridge.
• DUST RAGS: See “DAD’S UNDERWEAR.”
• EAR: A place where kids store dirt.
• ENERGY: Element of vitality kids always have an oversupply of until asked to do something.
• FOOD: The response Mom usually gives in answer to the question, “What’s for dinner tonight?” See “SARCASM”
• GENIUSES: Amazingly, all of Mom’s kids.
• HANDI-WIPES: Pants, shirtsleeves, drapes, etc.
• JUNK: Dad’s stuff.
• KISS: Mom medicine.
• MAYBE: No.
• OPEN: The position of children’s mouths when they eat in front of company.
• OVERSTUFFED RECLINER: Mom’s nickname for Dad.

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Guy arrives home very much the worse for wear…”Where have you been?” asks his wife…”I’ve been at the opening of the new pub” slurs the hubby “The doors are gold, the bar is all gold even the urinals are gold”…the wife puts him to bed but can’t believe his story so next day rings the new pub…

” Is it true that the doors are gold and the bar is all gold ?”…”Yes madam they’re covered in 24ct gold”…”and is it true that your urinals are gold?” asks the wife…there is a long pause then she hears the guy at the end of the phone call out ” Harry, I’ve got a lead on who peeed in your saxophone last night “

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Two football players are taking an important final exam. If they failed, they would be on academic probation and not be allowed to play in the Sugar Bowl the following week. The exam was fill-in-the-blank. The last question read, “Old MacDonald had a _____.”

The first player is stumped. He has no idea of the answer, but he knows he has to get this one right to be sure he passed. Making sure the professor was not watching, he taps his fellow player on the shoulder: “Pssst, what is the answer to the last question?”

The other football player laughs. After making sure the professor had not noticed he whispers back: “You are so stupid. Everyone knows Old Macdonald had a farm.”

“Oh yeah,” says the first player, “I remember now.” He picks up his No. 2 pencil and starts to write the answer in the blank — but then he stopped. “Hey,” he whispers, “how do you spell farm?”

“Geez, you really are dumb,” whispers back the other player. That is so easy. Farm is spelled E-I-E-I-O.”

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A truckie who has been out on the road for three weeks stops into a broth*l outside Kalgoorlie.

He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, I want your ugliest woman and a burnt chop.!!

The Madam is astonished. ‘But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a lovely three-course meal.

The truckie replies, ‘I’m not hornie . . . . …. I’m homesick.

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

Stress Buster No. 30

Humour Days at work

Fun decor, cartoon posters, jokes at meetings, balloons, funny hats, email humour, fun tea breaks, talent competitions, comedy DVDs, fun logos and signs, decorate lifts, award prizes for effort.

Explain to people, we take our work seriously and ourselves a little less seriously.

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“Historic day at the White House. President Bush met the Dalai Lama. There was an awkward moment when Bush said, ‘Who’s the bald chick in the dress?’” -Conan O’Brien

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I like to buy women a lot of drinks, not so much to lessen their inhibitions as to lower their standards. —Unknown

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I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the Super Wal-Mart Shopping Center and rolled down the car windows to make sure my Labrador Retriever Pup had fresh air. She was stretched full-out on the back seat and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there.

I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, “Now you stay. Do you hear me?” “Stay! Stay!”

The driver of a nearby car, a pretty blonde young lady, gave me a strange look and said, “Why don’t you just put it in park?”

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At the end of our first date the girl told me I was crazy in the head and I should be committed to a mental institution. Why do women always want us to make a commitment? —Unknown

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Drawbacks of working in a cubicle

• Not being able to check E-mail attachments without first seeing who’s behind you.
• The walls are too close together for the hammock to work right.
• Prison cells are not only bigger, they have beds.
• When you quit and walk out, there’s no door to slam.
• Being told to “think outside the box” when you’re in a freakin’ box all day long.
• 23 power cords – 1 outlet.
• If you talk to yourself it causes all the surrounding cubicle inhabitants to pop their heads over the wall and say “What? I didn’t hear you.”
• You always have the feeling that someone is watching you, but by the time you turn to look they’ve gone.

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Q. What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman?
A. Frostbite.

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I don’t know if you know much about a town by the name of Queenstown in Tassie, but it’s ecological history is somewhat bleak. First they logged every single tree from every hill for miles (lots of hills by the way), then they discovered copper and some other useful metals and ripped into the hills.

They also used some pretty potent chemicals in their mining processes and the naked, rocky hills are now permanently stained in shades of purple and pink. It is one of the ugliest places I have ever seen and if the road sign is anything to go by, I’m not the only one. The sign should have read “Welcome to Queenstown” but someone with a sense of humour and a liking for Tolkien scratched out the correct name and wrote “Mordor” instead. I have never seen more apt grafitti.

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A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second. In the third everything had just been reduced to a fiver when her mobile phone rang. It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.

The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she’d be there as soon as possible. As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the shops. She decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital. She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful coffee slice complimentary from the last shop She was jubilant.

Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her Husband’s condition. The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, ‘You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn’t you! I hope you’re proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It’s just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will be more than likely the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round the clock care. And you’ll now be his full time carer!’

The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed. The female doctor then chuckled and said, ‘I’m just pulling your leg. He’s dead. What’d you buy?’

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A nurse noticed a man in golf attire pacing up and down out- side the operating room where another golfer who had a golf ball driven down his throat, was being treated.

“Is he a relative of yours?” the nurse, stepping outside the room, asked the pacing golfer.

“No,” replied the man, “That’s my ball!”

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One morning at church, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyerof the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names with little flags mounted on either side of it.

The six year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, “Good morning Alex.”

“Good morning Pastor,” he replied, still focused on the plaque.

“Pastor, what is this?” he asked the pastor.

The pastor said, “Well, son, it’s a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.”

Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque. Finally, little Alex’s voice, barely audible and trembling with fear, asked,

“Which service, the 9:30 or the 11:15?”

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Quotes

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible — George Burns

 

Don’t worry about avoiding temptation as you grow older, it will avoid you. — Winston Churchill

 

Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty … but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out. — Phyllis Diller

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Have you heard about the latest Viagra?

It comes in powder form . You can put it in your tea or coffee so that when you dip your biscuit it doesn’t go limp

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John Howard Stamp

Australia Post created a stamp with a picture of John Howard to honour his achievements. Unfortunately, the stamp was not sticking to envelopes.

This enraged our Prime Minister, who demanded a full investigation into the matter. After a month of testing, the investigation revealed three findings:

1. The stamp is in perfect order.
2. There is nothing wrong with the applied adhesive.
3. People are spitting on the wrong side.

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

Stress Buster No. 10.

Be a Joy Germ.

Step outside yourself and bring joy to others.

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My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday He asked me how old I was, and I told him, “62.”

He was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, “Did you start at 1?”

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“Paris Hilton got 45 days in jail for driving on a suspended license. She claims her publicist told her she was allowed to drive to work. Which would be great if she had a job.” -Jay Leno

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Q. What’s green and sits in the corner?
A. A naughty frog.

Q. What are spider webs good for?
A. Spiders!

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“Historic day at the White House. Earlier today at the White House, President Bush met with the Queen Elizabeth II. There was an awkward moment when President Bush called her ‘Queen Elizabeth the sequel.’” -Conan O’Brien

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A good piece of chocolate has about 200 calories. As I enjoy 2 servings per night, and a few more on weekends. I consume 3,500 calories of chocolate in a week, which equals one pound of weight per week.

Therefore… In the last 3 1/2 years, I have had chocolate caloric intake of about 180 pounds, and I only weigh 165 pounds, so without chocolate, I would have wasted away to nothing about 3 months ago!

I owe my life to chocolate.

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When Insults Had Class

• “He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.” ­ Winston Churchill
• “A modest little person, with much to be modest about.” ­ Winston Churchill
• “He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.” ­ Abraham Lincoln
• “I feel so miserable without you; it’s almost like having you here.” ­ Stephen Bishop
• “He is a self-made man and worships his creator.” ­ John Bright
• “He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.” ­ Paul Keating
• “He had delusions of adequacy.” ­ Walter Kerr
• “I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.” ­ Groucho Marx

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“Disney has opened up its first theme park in China. 10,000 children showed up on opening day – and that was just to make the t-shirts.” –Conan O-Brien

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“I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something’s wrong with me.” –Elayne Boosler

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My father was a dentist and my mother was a manicurist… for most of their married life they fought tooth and nail.

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Stopping to pick up my daughter at kindergarten, I found out that the topic of “Show and Tell” that day had been parents’ occupations.

The teacher pulled me aside. Whispering, she advised, “You might want to explain a little bit more to your daughter what you do for a living.”

I work as a training consultant and often conduct my seminars in motel conference rooms.

When I asked why, the teacher explained, “Your daughter told the class she wasn’t sure what you did, but said you got dressed real pretty and went to work at motels.”

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Extract from an essay written by a student nurse. (from our book “Doctor, I feel funny.”

“A woman who is expecting a baby should always go to her local doctor as soon as she has reason to believe she may be pregnant. She must realize that her local doctor is always the person mainly responsible for her condition.”

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Interesting Year 1981

1. Prince Charles got married
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe
3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament
4. The Pope Died

Interesting Year 2005

1. Prince Charles got married
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe
3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament
4. The Pope Died

Lesson Learned?
The next time Charles gets married, someone warn the Pope.

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“Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.” —Jeff Valdez

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It’s really just a Melbourne metaphor for Romeo and Juliet.

Bazza is driving over the West Gate Bridge when he sees his girlfriend Shazza about to throw herself off the top. Bazza slams on the brakes and yells: “Shazza, what the hell d’ya think ya doin’?” Shazza turns around with a tear in her eye and says: “G’bye Bazza. Ya got me pregnant, so now I’m gonna kill meself”.

Bazza gets a real lump in his throat when he hears this. “Shazza”, he says over his shoulder as he slowly drives away, “Fair dinkum, not only are ya a top root but you’re a real sport too.” Ain’t luv grand.

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“According to Glamour magazine, it takes the average woman 11 minutes to get aroused. The problem is that by the time the average woman is aroused the guy’s been asleep for nine minutes.” -Jay Leno

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“I’ve just had the most awful time,” said a boy to his friends. “First I got angina pectoris, then arteriosclerosis. Just as I was recovering, I got psoriasis. They gave me hypodermics, and to top it all, tonsillitis was followed by appendectomy.”

“Wow! How did you pull through?” sympathized his friends.

“I don’t know,” the boy replied. “Toughest spelling test I ever had.”

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Three senior ladies named Patsy, Betty, and Nellie were sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation, when a flasher approached from across the park.

The flasher came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat.

Both Betty and Nellie had a stroke.

But Patsy, being older and feebler, couldn’t reach that far.

Bless her heart.

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

Time for a Little Johnny

ON MATH
A teacher asks her class, “If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?” She calls on little Johnny.
He replies, “None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.”
The teacher replies, “The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.”

Then little Johnny says, “I have a question for YOU. There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:
One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.
The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?”

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, “Well, I suppose the one that’s gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.” To which Little Johnny replied, “The correct answer is ‘the one with the wedding ring on,” but I like your thinking.”

ON MATH
Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic. “Why?” asks the father? “The teacher asked ‘How much is 2×3,’” I said “6″, replies Johnny. “But that’s right!” says his dad. “Yeah, but then she asked me “How much is 3×2?’” “What’s the fucking difference?” asks the father. “That’s what I said!”

ON ENGLISH
Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says, “Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?” Johnny says “Mas-tur-bate.” Miss Rogers smiles and says, “Wow, little Johnny, that’s a mouthful.” Little Johnny says, “No, Miss Rogers, you’re thinking of a blowjob.”

ON GRAMMAR
Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, “Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!” The teacher replied, ‘Now, Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is ‘urinate.’ Please use the word ‘ur-i-nate’ in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go.” Little Johnny, thinks for a bit, and then says, “You’re an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you’d be a TEN!”

ON GRAMMAR
One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word “beautiful” in the same sentence twice. First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, “My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it.” “Very good, Suzie,” replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael. “My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully.” She said, “Excellent, Michael!” Then the teacher reluctantly called on little Johnny. “Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said ‘Beautiful, just fucking beautiful!’”

ON GETTING OLDER
Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, “Son, you know eating all that candy isn’t good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.” Little Johnny replied, “My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.” The man asked, “Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?” Little Johnny answered, “No, he minded his own fucking business.

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The patient was lying in bed, still groggy from the effects of the recent operation. His doctor came in, looking very glum.

“I can’t be sure what’s wrong with you,” the doctor said. “I think it’s the drinking.”

“Okay,” the patient said. “Can we get an opinion from a doctor who’s sober?”

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“Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination.” -Oscar Wilde

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Grandma and Grandpa were staying the night at the kids house. When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son’s medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills.

The son said, “I don’t think you should take one Dad;.. they’re very strong and very expensive.” “How much?” asked Grandpa. “$10.00 a pill,” answered the son. “I don’t care,” said Grandpa, “I’d still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning, I’ll put the money under the pillow.” Later the next morning, the son found $110.00 under the pillow.

He called Grandpa and said, “I told you each pill was $10.00, not $110.00. I know,” said Grandpa. “The hundred is from Grandma.

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A cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the gates and said, “You have been a good cat all these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking.” The cat thought for a minute and then said, “All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on.”

God said, “Say no more.” Instantly the cat had a huge fluffy pillow. A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and they all went to Heaven together. God met the mice at the gates with the same offer that was made to the cat. “Well, we have had to run all of our lives: from cats, dogs, and even people with brooms!” said the mice. “If we could just have some little roller skates, we would not have to run again.” “Done,” said God All the mice had beautiful little roller skates.

About a week later, God decided to check on the cat. She was lounging on her fluffy pillow. “Is everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?” “Oh, it is wonderful,” said the cat. “I have never been so happy in my life. The pillow is so fluffy, and the Meals on Wheels was a nice touch.”

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What do you call a blonde with a map, compass, and set of directions?

Lost.

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I have CDO.

It’s like Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, only in alphabetical order like it should be.

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Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused”

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Things I’ve learned

• I’ve learned that you cannot make someone else love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.
• I’ve learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.
• I’ve learned that the day will happen whether you get up or not.
• I’ve learned that if it doesn’t seem like it’s worth the effort, then it probably isn’t.
• I’ve learned that if I can’t be a good example, then I’ll just have to be a horrible warning.
• I’ve learned that ambivalence may or may not be my problem.
• I’ve learned that adults are just kids who owe money.

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Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”

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A Catholic priest, a Protestant minister, and a Jewish rabbi were discussing when life begins.

“Life begins,” said the priest, “at the moment of fertilization. That is when God instills the spark of life into the fetus.”

“We believe,” said the minister, “that life begins at birth, because that is when the baby becomes an individual and is capable of making its own decisions and must learn about sin.”

“You’re both wrong,” said the rabbi. “Life begins when the children have graduated from college and moved out of the house.”

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Quotes from Winston Churchill

• If you are going through hell, keep going.
• You can count on the Americans to do the right thing, once they’ve exhausted every other possible course of action
• You have enemies? Good. That means you’ve stood up for something.
• Success consists of going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm.
• Don’t worry about avoiding temptation….as you grow older, it will avoid you.

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The boss was very exasperated with his new secretary. She ignored the telephone when it rang.

“You must answer the telephone,” he told her irritably.

“All right,” she replied, “but it seems so silly. It’s always for you.”

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I guess you are aware of the cyclone that destroyed the banana crop in North Queensland a few months ago. Bananas are still priced at around $13 – $15 per kilo in Brisbane and I heard on the radio the other day that the latest sign to be seen on shop doors is :

“NO BANANAS KEPT ON PREMISES”

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Ole vas vorking at the fish plant up nort in Dulut vhen he accidently cut off all ten of his finkers.

He vent to da emergency room in the Clinik and vhen he got dar da Norsky doctor looked at Ole and said, “Let’s have da finkers and I’ll see vhat I can do.

“Ole said, “I haven’t got da finkers.” “Vhat do you mean, you hafen’t got da finkers?” he said. “Lord-it’s 2006 Ive’s got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques.

I could hafe put dem back on and made you like new! Vhy didn’t you brink da finkers?”

Ole says……..”How da foock vas I suppose to pick dem up?

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Tech Support

Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Female customer: A white one…

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Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.

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Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I’m writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter ‘a’ in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?

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Customer: I have problems printing in red…
Tech support: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah………………..thank you.