The Fabulous Friday Funnies

Finding a woman sobbing that she had locked her keys in her car, a passing soldier assures her that he can help.

She looks on amazed as he removes his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door.
Magically it opens.

"That’s so clever," the woman gasps. "How did you do it?"

"Easy," replies the man. "These are my khakis".

A busload of politicians were driving down a country road when, all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer’s field. The old farmer, after seeing what happened, went over to investigate.

He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians. A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.

The old farmer said, "I buried ’em."

The sheriff asked the old farmer, "They were ALL dead?"

The old farmer replied, "Well, some of them said they weren’t, but you know how them politicians lie."

I was out shopping in a new outfit and was feeling great after having had my hair done. As I stepped into a shop a little boy was in the way, but he moved quickly when he saw me. I thanked him with a huge smile for being so polite.
"That’s O.K.," he said. "Mum told me I have to move for old people."

Friendship among Women
A woman didn’t come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend’s house. The man called his wife’s 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship among Men
A man didn’t come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend’s house. The woman called her husband’s 10 best friends. Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there.

I asked my parents how come Jesus had only been born at Christmas and now he was dead at Easter. My Mum quietly explained that he wasn’t a baby when he died but a man. "Oh, THAT explains how he got so much done!" was my relieved reply.

A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

‘Quick,’ said the woman to the lover, ‘into the closet!’
and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.

The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet.

‘Who are you?’ he asked him.

‘I’m an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,’ said the exterminator.

‘What are you doing in there?’ the husband asked.

‘I’m investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,’ the man replied.

‘And where are your clothes?’ asked the husband.

The man looked down at himself and said, ‘Those little bastards!’

It was a typically busy day at the bank. After a glance at the line of waiting customers, a harried-looking man came up to the side counter and demanded, "What do I have to do to change the address on my account?" Without missing a beat, the clerk replied, "Move." — Karen Lee

Upon reaching 65, Bob decided to retire. After having him under foot for a few months, his wife became very agitated with him. She suggested he go and do something to occupy his time, like join a club or get a hobby. Bob obliged and went out for a couple of hours…

When he got home his wife asked about his day and he replied, "Oh, I just went down to the park and hung out with the guys. And, oh yeah, I joined a parachute club.

"What? Are you nuts? You’re 65 years old and you’re going to start jumping out of airplanes?"

"Yeah, look I even got a membership card."

"You crazy old man, where’s your glasses! This is a membership to a Pro*titute Club, not a Parachute Club!"

"Oh, great! Now what am I going to do? I signed up for 5 jumps a week!"

Couples who have lived together a long time have their own way of communicating.

A woman overheard her aunt and uncle one day, "What are you looking for in that closet?" she asked.

"Nothing," he answered.

"Well, it’s not in there. Look under the bed."

An oldie but a goodie

A big corporation recently hired several cannibals. "You are all part of our team now” said the HR rep during the welcoming briefing.

"You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don’t eat any of the other employees." The cannibals promised they would not.

Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You’re all working very hard, and I’m satisfied with you. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?" The cannibals all shook their heads no.

After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, "Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?"
A hand rose hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals continued, "You fool! For four weeks we’ve been eating managers and no one noticed anything, but noooooo, you had to go and eat someone important!"

‘Of course I won’t laugh, said the nurse. I’m a professional. In over twenty years I’ve never laughed at a patient.’

‘Okay then,’ said Fred, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest ‘man thingy’ the nurse had ever seen. Length and width, it couldn’t have been bigger than a AAA battery. Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling.

After a few minutes she was able to regain her composure. ‘I am so sorry,’ she said. ‘I don’t know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won’t happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?’

…’It’s swollen,’ Fred replied.

She ran out of the room…..

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

An elderly gentleman…. had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, ‘Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.’

The gentleman replied, ‘Oh, I haven’t told my family yet..
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I’ve changed my will three times!’

Maybe Tiger should change his name to Cheetah?

My infant son and I sat in front of the TV, hostages to my husband’s channel-surfing. He eventually settled on an R-rated movie in which the actress was soon topless.
"Honey, change the channel," I said, shielding my son’s eyes. "He shouldn’t see this."

"It’s okay," my husband replied. "He probably thinks it’s the Food Network."

This happened to me last week. On playground duty I noticed two Year 5 boys who seemed to be fighting or wrestling so I made my way over to them. I noticed that the first of the boys was one with a reputation for losing his cool and lashing out.

Just as I got within range to call out to them, they gave each other a hug. Still not 100% sure if everything was “kosher” I called them over with a light hearted “Come over here cuddly boys”. When they came over I asked them “Now boys, why do you think I called you over here?” The second boy piped up “For acting gay?”

With much difficulty I managed to not laugh and gave them a brief talk about saving the wrestling for outside of school. I quickly sent them on their way so I could burst out with laughter.

I wondered if I could get my husband to address Christmas cards, as I had so much to do. I arranged everything we needed, then hopefully pulled up a chair and said, "Come on, Dear, let’s get these out of the way."

He glanced at the array on the table, turned away and went into the den, only to return moments later with a high stack of cards, stamped, sealed, and addressed.

"They’re last year’s," he said. "I forgot to mail them. Now let’s go out to dinner and relax. You’ve been working too hard."

The symphony musicians had little confidence in the person brought in to be their new conductor. Their fears were realized at the very first rehearsal. The cymbalist, realizing that the conductor did not know what he was doing, angrily clashed his instruments together during a delicate, soft passage. The music stopped. The conductor, highly agitated, looked angrily around the orchestra, demanding, "Who did that? Who did that?"

Sixteen reasons why airplanes are easier to live with than women

  1. Airplanes usually kill you quickly – a woman takes her time.
  2. Airplanes can be turned on by the flip of a switch.
  3. Airplanes don’t get mad if you do a "touch and go."
  4. Airplanes don’t object to a pre-flight inspection.
  5. Airplanes come with manuals to explain their operation.
  6. Airplanes have strict weight and balance limitations.
  7. Airplanes can be flown any time of the month.
  8. Airplanes don’t come with in-laws.
  9. Airplanes don’t care about how many other airplanes you’ve flown before.
  10. Airplanes and pilots both arrive at the same time.
  11. Airplanes don’t mind if you look at other airplanes.
  12. Airplanes don’t mind if you buy airplane magazines.
  13. Airplanes expect to be tied down.
  14. Airplanes don’t comment on your piloting skills.
  15. Airplanes don’t whine unless something is really wrong.
  16. However, when airplanes go quiet, just like women, it’s usually not good

"Golden Globe nominations are out today. Third year in a row, Pamela Anderson was nominated for ‘Best Golden Globes.’" -David Letterman

When it comes to wine I’m very particular about what I buy.
There are two things I look for before making my selection.

First, the word "Wine" must appear somewhere on the label.
This is something I insist on.

Second, I look for a sign nearby that says "On Sale."

Follow these two rules and you won’t go far wrong.

A man and his wife are watching a pay-per-view boxing match on TV. After a first round knock-out the husband sighs and says, "What a rip off! It was all over in three minutes!"

The wife replies, "Now you know how I feel."

"Oh, look, yet another Christmas TV special! How touching to have the meaning of Christmas brought to us by cola, fast food, and beer. Who’d have ever guessed that product
con- sumption, popular entertainment, and spirituality would mix so harmoniously?" -Calvin & Hobbes

I went to my friend’s house recently and noticed that his Christmas tree was bare except for a shotgun shell near the top.

I asked, "What’s the deal, no decorations?"

Puzzled, he looked at me and said, "What do you mean? It’s a cartridge in a bare tree."

"A good listener is usually thinking about something else." — Kin Hubbard

My sources are unreliable, but their information is fascinating. — Ashleigh Brilliant

Ever wondered?

  1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
  2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
  3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
  4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
  5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
  6. Why do "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
  7. Why do "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
  8. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?
  9. Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?
  10. Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

Two cannibals were sitting down and were in the middle of feasting on a couple of clowns when one cannibal stopped eating and said to the other.. “Did that taste a bit funny to you?”

One day a man comes home from work to find total mayhem at home. The kids were outside still in their pajamas playing in the mud and muck. There were empty food boxes and wrappers all around. As he proceeded into the house, he found an even bigger mess. Dishes on the counter, dog food spilled on the floor. The family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing, and a lamp had been knocked over.

He headed up the stairs, stepping over toys, to look for his wife. He was becoming worried that she may be ill, or that something had happened to her.

He found her in the bedroom, still in bed with her pajamas on, reading a book.

She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, “What happened here today?”

She answered, “You know everyday when you come home from work and ask me what I did today?”


“Well, today I didn’t do it!”

A traveling salesman knocked on a farmer’s door late one night and requested a place to sleep for the night.

“We’re a little tight on space,” said the farmer, “so I’m going to have to put you in with my three sons.”

“Oh, pardon me,” said the salesman, “I must be in the wrong joke.”

One day a Pirate and a bartender were talking to each other in a bar. The bartender asked the pirate ” Where did you get that peg leg from ?”

The Pirate responded” We were sailing overseas when a big ol’ shark came up to me while I was a swimmin’ and bit off me leg!”

Later the Bartender asked” Where did you get that hook from then ?” The Pirate responded ” Well, me crew and I were in a battle and it got cut through the bone”.

The Bartender then asked” Where did you get that eye patch from ?” The Pirate said ” In a harbour . .I looked at a gull flying overhead and it took a dump right in me eye !”

The Bartender was puzzled and asked the pirate, “How would that make you get an eye patch ?”

The pirate responded, “First day with the hook!”

When a man goes on a date he wonders if he is going to get lucky. A woman already knows. —Frederick Ryder

A man approached a beautiful young woman in a supermarket and asked, “I’ve lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?”

“Why?” she asks.

“Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere.”

I went to a bookstore and asked the woman behind the counter where the self-help section was. She said, “If I told you, it would defeat the whole purpose.”

A bloke is sitting by his car at the side of the road looking unhappy. A passer-by sees his glum face and asks what the problem is. “I’ve locked myself out of my car” replies the man. “That’s not a problem” replied the passer-by, “Step out of the way,and let me try rubbing my b u m on the door”.

The motorist is a bit perplexed, but reckons there’s no harm in it letting the man try – it might be worth a laugh. The passer-by turns his bum to the car and slowly rubs it up and down the driver’s door. Suddenly, the lock opens and the passer-by turns and opens the car door.

“That’s amazing!” says the motorist, “How did you do it?” “It’s easy” replies the pedestrian,……………………. “I’m wearing khaki trousers”

My wife calls our waterbed the Dead Sea. —Milton Berle

“Whoever called it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.”-Groucho Marx

It is reported that Dorothy Parker was once asked to use the word horticulture in a sentence.

She promptly said, “You can lead a horticulture, but you cannot make her think.”

When our second child was on the way, my wife and I attended a pre-birth class aimed at couples who had already had at least one child. The instructor raised the issue of breaking the news to the older child. It went like this:

“Some parents,” she said, “tell the older child, ‘We love you so much we decided to bring another child into this family.’ But think about that. Ladies, what would you say if your hus- band came home one day and said, ‘Honey, I love you so much I decided to bring home another wife.'”

One of the women spoke up immediately. “Does she cook?”

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie. ‘Tie me up,’ she purred, ‘and you can do anything you want.’ So he tied her up and went golfing.

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, ‘Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!’

The husband said, ‘Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?’ ‘Doesn’t matter,’ she said. ‘Justbe gone by the time I get back’.

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

Stress Buster No. 34.

Things people hate.

Limit difficult behaviour in others by avoiding what people tell us they hate. Examples include:

  • Being told “I told you so.”
  • People pushing in front of a queue.
  • Having chips pinched from their plate.
  • Being coughed on.
  • People who don’t back you at a meeting.
  • Being given advice they don’t want.

Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Shamus, were stumbling home from the pub late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard.

“Come have a look over here,” says Paddy, “it’s Michael O’Grady’s grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87.”

“That’s nothing”, says Sean, “here’s one named Patrick O’Tool, it says here that he was 95 when he died.”

Just then, Shamus yells out, “Good God, here’s a fella that got to be 145 years old!”

“What was his name?” asks Paddy.

Shamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, “Miles, from Dublin.”

Another true school story from Marcia One of my then colleagues had a very disruptive boy in her class of 5 year olds and had ‘words’ with this boy just before the end of the school day. First thing the next morning the boy’s mother arrived at the school principal’s office demanding, in no uncertain terms the teacher should be sacked for calling her son unacceptable names. She raged on for some minutes before the principal could get a word in and offered to summon the teacher concerned. When my colleague arrived the mother accused her of calling her son ‘a scurvy elephant’. The teacher was dumbfounded and maintained she hadn’t and wouldn’t, under any circumstances, call a pupil ‘a scurvy elephant’. The principal promised she would continue to ‘look into’ the matter and the mother, though still irate, left the school. The matter troubled my colleague all day but just on ‘home time’ she remembered the previous day she had referred to the boy as ‘a disturbing element’!

While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant and resumed their trip.

When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table and she didn’t miss them until they had been driving about twenty minutes. By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.

All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn’t let up one minute.

To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. As the woman got out of the car and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her, “While you’re in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card.”

“Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.” -Steven Wright

An old husband was in his back yard is trying to fly a kite. He throws the kite up in the air, the wind catches it for a few seconds, then it comes crashing back down to earth. He tries this a few more times with no success.

All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window, Muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything. She opens the window and yells to her husband, “You need a piece of tail.”

The man turns with a confused look on his face and says, “Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite.”

Q. Where do hamburgers go to dance?
A. The Meat ball!

I went to the cemetery yesterday, there were 4 pall bearers walking around with a coffin. 3 hours later they were still walking around with it.

I thought to myself:

“These idiots have lost the plot”

A true story

In local hospital they have a cabinet of the more expensive gifts for the patients. Any way an old fella stood looking at the display then asked my wife to take 10 presents out for closer inspection. Then he said he’d take them all for the grandchildren and could she take the price tags off and wrap them individually please?

In view of the size of the sale Noreen rushed to oblige. As she finished the last one she watched in horror as the nurse from the dementia ward wandered in and took the old fellow’s arm and guided him out the door. And to make matters worse, she couldn’t remember which price tag went with which present.

“Let’s forget about the six feet and talk about the seven inches.” —Mae West

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband’s advice.

“What do you think?” I asked. “Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?”

“Better get a bikini,” he replied. “You’d never get it all in one.”

He’s still in intensive care.

This actually happened – I know the people involved: A vicar sat before his typewriter one morning to write his sermon for the following Sunday. “What will you use as your text, my dear?” asked his wife. “Water skiing,” he replied. She expressed some doubts about his choice but he seemed confident so she went off to attend a meeting. In the event he couldn’t make the sermon “jell” so he gave up after a while and attended to more pressing matters.

Later in the week he tried again and felt quite pleased with a sermon he had written on the subject of s e x education. Unfortunately the pair had a busy week so hadn’t had time to communicate about all of their activiteis and on Sunday she missed the service because she was preparing dinner for a group of visiting clergy.

The following week her long time friend and confidant arrived early for Mothers’ Union meeting. She burst into the house saying, “I am so sorry you couldn’t attend on Sunday, Martha, your husband’s sermon was quite the most inspiring one I’ve heard yet – he was brilliant.”

Martha thought back to her enquiry about his text for the week and when she remembered, said “Go on, Edith, it can’t have been. He knows nothing about it. He’s only ever tried twice – once before we were married and once not long afterwards and he fell off both times.”

An elderly clergiman who retired to a country district used to keep himself active and entertained by cycling half a dozen miles of a Sunday to a nearby church to take a service on behalf of the local vicar. One morning his cycle skidded in the gravel and deposited him ignominiously in a ditch, which fortunately was dry.

A few minutes later Mr. and Mrs. B all came along in their car, rescued the old boy and gave him a lift to the church where he thought a few words of public acknowledgement would be appropriate. “I had an unfortunate experience this morning,” he told his congregation, “my cycle skidded and I ended up in the ditch and if I hadn’t been pulled out by the B alls I wouldn’t be here now.” Then wondered why his congregation cracked up.

If you throw a cat out of a car window, is that kitty litter?

The Fabulous Friday Funnies

Stress Buster No. 22.

Get a health check.

There are many disorders that initially do not have any obvious physical symptoms. For example you could be walking around with diabetes, high blood pressure or kidney disease and not know it. You’ll need to ask for an extended appointment with your GP when you book.

I was meeting a friend in a bar, and as I went in I noticed two pretty girls looking at me.

“Nine,” I heard one whisper as I passed.

Feeling pleased with myself, I swaggered over to my buddy and told him a girl had just rated me a nine out of ten.

“I don’t want to ruin it for you,” he said, “but when I walked in, they were speaking German.”

Two kids are arguing over whose father is the biggestscaredy-cat.

The first kid says, “My dad is so scared that when lightning strikes, he hides underneath the bed.”

The second kid replies,”Yeah? Well, that’s nothing. My dad is so scared that when my mom has to work the nightshift, he sleeps with the lady next door.”

A group of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Holland .As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat’s milk was used. She showed the group a lively hillside where many goats were grazing.

“These” she explained “are the older goats put out to pasture when ;they no longer produce.” She then asked, “What do you do in America with your old goats?” A spry old gentleman answered, “They send us on bus tours!”

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he’d given her.

Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs.

Men are like that, you know.

“A group of investors announced they plan on opening a hotel in space. A weekend stay will cost $4 million. It will cost you another million to eat a Snickers from the mini bar.” -Conan O’Brien

“Smokey the Bear turns 47 today. I never trusted Smokey the Bear. Kids, if you see a bear wearing a ranger’s hat, it’s because the bear ate the ranger!” -Craig Ferguson

Five tips for a woman

  1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.
  2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.
  3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn’t lie to You.
  4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.
  5. It is important that these four men don’t know each other.

A lonely wife brought a man she had just met at a bar home to her bedroom one evening when she thought her husband was out of town. They immediately tore each other’s clothes off and started going at it. She sat up quickly in bed as she heard the key in the lock.

“Quick!” she said to the man, “it’s my husband! You’ve got to get out of here quick!”

“Where’s the back door?” the man asked as he grabbed his clothes.

“There isn’t one,” she replied.

“Where would you like one?” he asked.

Nice words/phrases woman use

  1. Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
  2. Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
  3. Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with ‘nothing’ usually end in ‘fine’.
  4. Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don’t Do It!
  5. Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)
  6. That’s Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That’s okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
  7. Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you’re welcome.
  8. Whatever: It’s a women’s way of saying STUFF YOU!
  9. Don’t worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking ‘What’s wrong?’ (For the woman’s response refer to #3.)

A beautiful woman loved growing vegetables, but couldn’t seem to get her tomatoes to turn red.

One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbour who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.

The woman asked the gentlemen, “What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?” The gentlemen responded, “Well, twice a day I stand in front of my garden n a k e d in my trench coat and flash. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much.”

Well, the woman was so impressed, she decided to try doing the same thing to her garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she flashed her garden, hoping for the best.

One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, “By the way, how did it go? Did your tomatoes turn red?”

No”, she replied, “but my cucumbers are enormous.”

“Why don’t they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff?” —Steven Wright

A school teacher asked her students to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad’s farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.”

The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not ‘fascinating.'”

Sally raised her hand and said, “My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.”

The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate.'”

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.

She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate.” so she called on him.

Johnny said, “My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight.”

The teacher cried.

What all woman want for Christmas


Show/Hide Lyrics

Hey girl I got somethin’ real important to give you
So just sit down and listen
Girl you know we’ve been together such a long long time (such a long time)
And now I’m ready to lay it on the line
(Wooow) You know it’s Christmas and my heart is open wide
Gonna give you something so you know what’s on my mind
A gift real special, so take off the top
Take a look inside — it’s my dick in a box
Not gonna get you a diamond ring
That sort of gift don’t mean anything
Not gonna get you a fancy car
Girl ya gotta know you’re my shining star
Not gonna get you a house in the hills
A girl like you needs somethin’ real
Wanna get you somethin’ from the heart
Somethin’ special girl
It’s my dick in a box, my dick in a box babe
It’s my dick in a box, my dick in a box girl
See I’m wise enough to know when a gift needs givin’ (yeah)
And I got just the one, somethin’ to show ya that you are second to none
To all the fellas out there with ladies to impress
It’s easy to do just follow these steps
1: Cut a hole in a box
2: Put your junk in that box
3: Make her open the box
And that’s the way you do it
It’s my dick in a box… my dick in a box babe
It’s my dick in a box, my dick in a box girl
Christmas; dick in a box
Hanukkah; dick in a box
Kwanzaa; a dick in a box
Every single holiday a dick in a box
Over at your parent’s house a dick in a box
Mid day at the grocery store a dick in a box
Backstage at the CMA’s a dick in a box (yeah-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow)
A dick in a box, a dick in a box, a dick in a box…