52 things you would love to say out loud at work

  1. I can see your point, but I still think you’re full of sh*t.
  2. I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce.
  3. How about never? Is never good for you?
  4. I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
  5. I’m really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.
  6. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
  7. I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
  8. I don’t work here. I’m a consultant.
  9. It sounds like English, but I can’t understand a word you’re saying.
  10. Ahhhh. I see the f***-up fairy has visited us again.
  11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.
  12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
  13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don’t give a sh*t.
  14. I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
  15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
  16. Thank you. We’re all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
  17. The fact that no one understands you doesn’t mean you’re an artist.
  18. Any resemblance between your reality and mine are purely coincidental.
  19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks?!
  20. I’m not being rude. You’re just insignificant.
  21. It’s a thankless job, but I’ve got a lot of Karma to burn off.
  22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
  23. And your cry-baby whiny-arsed opinion would be?
  24. Do I look like a f****** people person to you?
  25. This isn’t an office. It’s Hell with fluorescent lighting.
  26. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.
  27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
  28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
  29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
  30. Whatever kind of look you were aiming for, you missed.
  31. Oh I get it. Like humour, but different………
  32. An office is just a mental institute without the padded walls.
  33. Can I swap this job for what’s behind door ……….1?
  34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
  35. Nice perfume (or aftershave). Must you marinate in it?
  36. Chaos, panic, and disorder. My work here is done.
  37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
  38. I thought I wanted a career; it turns out I just needed the money.
  39. I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being more intelligent.
  40. Wait a minute – I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.
  41. Aren’t you a black hole of need.
  42. I’d like to help you out, which way did you come in?
  43. Did you eat an extra bowl of stupid this morning?
  44. Why don’t you slip into something more comfortable? Like a coma.
  45. If you have something to say raise your hand………then place it over your mouth.
  46. I’m too busy, can I ignore you some other time?
  47. Don’t let your mind wander, its too small to be let out on its own.
  48. Have a nice day, somewhere else.
  49. You’re not yourself today, I noticed the improvement straight away.
  50. You are as pretty as a picture, I’d really like to hang you.
  51. Don’t believe everything you think.
  52. Do you hear that? That’s the sound of no-one caring. 

New Words for 2007

  • SALAD DODGER
    An excellent phrase for an overweight person.

  • SWAMP-DONKEY
    A deeply unattractive person.

  • TESTICULATING
    Waving your arms around and talking bollocks.

  • BLAMESTORMING
    Sitting round in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

  • SEAGULL MANAGER
    A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.

  • ASSMOSIS
    The process by which people seem to absorb success and advancement by sucking up to the boss rather than working hard.

  • SALMON DAY
    The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die.

  • CUBE FARM
    An office filled with cubicles.

  • PRAIRIE DOGGING
    When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people’s heads pop up over the walls to see what’s going on. (This also applies to applause for a promotion because there may be cake.)

  • SITCOMs
    Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids or start a "home business".

  • SINBAD
    Single working girls. Single income, no boyfriend and desperate.

  • AEROPLANE BLONDE
    One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a ‘black box’.

  • PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE
    The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

  • ADMINISPHERE
    The rarefied organisational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the "adminisphere" are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve. This is often affiliated with the dreaded "administrivia" – needless paperwork and processes.

  • GOING FOR A McSHIT
    Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of buying food, you’re just going to the bog.(Loo) If challenged by a pimply staff member, your declaration to them that you’ll buy their food afterwards is known as a McShit with Lies.

  • 404
    Someone who’s clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found" meaning that the requested document could not be located.

  • AUSSIE KISS
    Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.

  • OH – NO SECOND
    That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you’ve just made a BIG mistake (e.g. you’ve hit ‘reply all’).

  • GREYHOUND
    A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.

  • JOHNNY-NO-STARS
    A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who works in a burger restaurant. The ‘no-stars’ comes from the badges displaying stars that staff at fast-food restaurants often wear to show their level of training.

  • MILLENNIUM DOMES
    The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from the outside, but there’s actually naught in there worth seeing.

  • MONKEY BATH
    A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: "Oo! Oo! Oo! Aa! Aa! Aa! ".

  • MYSTERY BUS
    The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you’re in the toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.

  • MYSTERY TAXI
    The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10-Pinter in your bed instead.

  • BEER COAT
    The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise At 3:00am .

  • BEER COMPASS
    The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after booze cruise, even though you’re too drunk to remember where you live, how you got here, and where you’ve come from.

  • BREAKING THE SEAL
    Your first pee in the pub, usually after 2 hours of drinking. After breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the toilet will be
    required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the night.

  • TART FUEL
    Bottled premixed spirits, regularly consumed by young women.
  • PICASSO BUM
    A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she’s Got 4 buttocks